Bug's Bleat 3Q 05: Bug's Bleat -

Volume 7, Issue 15

Hello ALL,

35th Anniversary of Earth Day, April 22, 2005.
~~~~~
We discussed maps last week, here’s another good resource; "Google Maps" at

http://maps.google.com/

Go to maps.google.com, and type in what you're looking for--an address, a city, a point of interest, an airport code, etc--and Google will display a really high-quality map of that location.

Once your map is up, click on the map with your mouse, hold your mouse button, and drag your mouse up and to the right. Google maps are draggable! And you can zoom in too. On the left side of the map, click on the plus or drag the slider up.

But there’s more. Do a search for "pizza Magnolia." Not only will Google show you the location of pizza places, if you click on any of the map's "push pins" or click on one of the pizza places' names on the right side of the screen, a shadowed balloon appears showing you the pizza place's name, phone number, address, website link, and even a link to get driving directions. And if you click on another company's name, the map will automatically scroll to that new company's location. Cool! Huh?

Google Maps also does driving directions. Go to maps.google.com and above the search box click on the "Directions" link. Then, just key in your starting and ending addresses.

Wait, there’s more. In the upper right corner of the screen, click on the "Satellite" link [it's at the far right side of that orange horizontal bar.]

Thanks to TOURBUS Volume 10, Number 56 -- 09 Apr 2005 –
Tourbus Home - http://www.TOURBUS.com
~~~~~
Everyone was talking about Tiger Wood’s chip shot on the 16th hole of the Masters but all the news media played the video of his last putt in sudden death playoff. He won with the putt but it wasn’t the “chip shot” seen round the world..
Knock Knock. Who’s running the video at the networks?
~~~~~
Scott Adams, Dilbert's Creator, shared this thought; Microchip designers often embed microscopic messages on the surface of the chip as a way of signing their work.

- DNA has a lot of "junk" parts that don't seem to have any function.
- A lot of people think evolution is obviously "designed" by someone.

I wonder if any cryptographers have looked at that junk DNA to see if it's a message from the designer.
~~~~~
This isn’t “Politically Correct” but it’s fun.

THE COLLEGE PROFESSOR WANTS PROOF

Two things Navy Seals are always taught:
1). Keep your priorities in order.
2). Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the A.C.L.U. was teaching his
class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove that there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted:
"GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by. " I'm waiting God, if you're real knock me off this platform!!!!"

Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a Navy Seal, who was just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor.

The Seal hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold. The students were stunned and shocked.

They began to babble in confusion. The Seal nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also...... waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Seal in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked:

"What is the matter with you?! Why did you do that?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So he sent me!!"

Thanks to Claiborne Sharp
~~~~~
Columbia County Literacy Council Spaghetti Supper, Magnolia Adult Ed Center (811 Calhoun Road), Tuesday, April 19, 5:00 p.m. - 8:00 p.m., Dine in or carry out.
Menu: Chicken or Italian spaghetti, Salad, Bread, Dessert
Tickets are $6.00 per plate and can be purchased by calling the Adult Ed Center at 234-6064. Your ticket includes a chance to win a $100 Ivan Smith gift certificate!
~~~~~
---Blossom Festival 5K Run ? May 21, 2005 --- Albemarle Team Competition ? Albemarle will pay the $25.00 "team" entry fee for up to four teams. Must have 3 or more persons on a team. An individual entry fee is also required.

Entry Fees:**
$12 if postmarked by May 14 (T-shirts to first 200 registered runners/walkers)
$15 after May 14 and day of race
$5 for Fun Run
$25.00 Team entry fee (which Albemarle will pay) (Be sure to have a Team Name.)

Note:** In order to get the paperwork done for getting the team entry fee processed, you will need to get your information in to Cindy Borne by May 1st.
~~~~~
Albemarle Blood Drive - Friday, April 22
~~~~~
We heard from our favorite Missionaries to Romania this week.

Rufus & Deedre Whynot
Native Country and State: Canada, Nova Scotia & Dee- USA, Texas
Our first missions trip: 1984, Quetzaltenango, Guatamala
How long in full time missions: 20 years ( left USA on Thanksgiving Day, 1984)
Married: 13 June, 1969 Weatherford, Texas
Our children are adults and we have six grandchildren. We love the
mission field and our calling. There is only one drawback to being
missionaries: we would like to have
more time with our grandchildren!

Ministry Information- Yielded Vessels Ministry Inc. (in USA)
Family Aid Foundation (in Romania)
Established: USA 1984 & Romania 1996
Working in Romania (with an outreach into Macedonia)
Focused people group: Romanians, Hungarians, and Gypsies. All three people groups live in Transylvania
Mission statement: 1st- Proclaim, demonstrate, & release spiritual
freedom in Romania and Eastern Europe.
2nd- make disciples so they can do # 1.
Specific prayer request for our ministry and the people of our region: 1-for the people who pray to receive Jesus to leave their religious thinking behind and to connect with living local churches to grow and mature in Christ.(have lead over 39,000 to in prayer to receive Jesus in last ten years here; however, only a small percentage has left their religious thinking to go forward with God)
2-break the controlling spirit of religion off the church leaders. Churches are full of people who need to be feed regularly with more than social and religious messages.
3-break the spirits of greed and corruption off the politicians and many in the judicial system. The politicians have been interfering in the application of the present laws, whenever it seems to be to THEIR advantage, and it appears that many of the prosecutors and judges can be bought by whoever has the money.

We give thanks to God that during our outreaches/services He has given over 9000 healing miracles- from blind eyes opening, deaf ears hearing, the lame walking (discarding their crutches & even running), cancer leaving bodies, epileptics set free, and many backs healed, etc...

General ministry needs other than prayer: Finances- the $ is 25% down vs the Romanian Lei and 35% down vs the Euro (Romania now pegs it's money with the Euro, not the $) We are doing MORE, not less, and are thanking God for more prayer and financial partners.
Number of national workers with our ministry : 32 (10 are working in the Baby Home)
Best way to contact us: Email address: yv@faf.ro We are NOT the least bit sensitive about the content of your/our emails! Nor are we concerned about offending any of those who may read our emails en route.
or Snail mail address- FAF (Whynots), Str Pajistei 38, 400344 Cluj-Napoca, Romania.
NOTE: Our church office moved last week ! Please send financial support to- YVM, 1701 Oakhurst Scenic Drive, Fort Worth, Texas, 76111.
Support can also be received directly here in Romania as well as through England, Holland, Germany, or Austria. Please contact us for details if you want to help through one of these nations.. Please do NOT send checks to Romania!

Web sites : www.yieldedvessels.ro and www.faf.ro -recently put up & needs to be corrected; however, the fotos are excellent! Note- sometimes the site does NOT come up -an error message in Romanian does- just click on refresh and it should appear. If you don't quit, you can't lose.
~~~~~
www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel
Current Avg. $2.25 $2.38 $2.47 $2.37
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
~~~~~
Recipe of the week; Crunchy New Potatoes Recipe courtesy Paula Deen's Home Cooking
Episode: An Elvis Twist, Prep Time: 30 minutes, Cook Time: 25 minutes, Yield: 4 servings

12 small new red potatoes
1 (0.4-ounce) package ranch dressing mix (recommended: Hidden Valley Original Ranch Buttermilk Recipe)
2 cups crushed cornflakes
8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter, melted

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.
Cook the potatoes in boiling water until tender, about 20 to 25 minutes. Drain the potatoes, let cool slightly, and then peel. Mix the dressing mix and the cornflakes in a bowl. Dip the potatoes in melted butter, and then roll them in the cornflake mixture. Place the potatoes in a greased baking dish and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, or until golden brown.

The recipes for this program, which were provided by contributors and guests who may not be professional chefs, have not been tested in the Food Network's kitchens. Therefore, the Food Network cannot attest to the accuracy of any of the recipes.
~~~~~
Parents at Daniels Farm Elementary School in Trumbull, Conn, objected to teachers using red ink to mark students papers because it was too “stressful.”
Another chance for society to change to accommodate people who don’t want to be confronted with reality.
~~~~~
The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
~~~~~
This week we share excerpts from “Da Bleat” of Friday, April 14, 2000.
~~~~~
We’re always looking for stories as well as jokes and other contributions. Don’t hesitate to share any offerings with us.
~~~~~
Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
BREAKPOINT Commentaries
by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship

‘Blue’ Environmentalism
The Ecology of Liberty

April 15, 2005

It was one of the earliest—and most graphic—attempts to blame pollution on overpopulation. In his classic book Population Bomb, Paul Ehrlich described an evening he spent in Delhi, India: “The streets seemed alive with people,” he wrote. “People eating, people washing . . . people defecating and urinating. . . . As we moved slowly through the mob . . . the dust, noise, heat, and cooking fires gave the scene a hellish aspect.” The solution, Ehrlich then concluded, was compulsory population control.

But theologian Michael Novak says the problem is not too many people; it’s too much poverty. And the most effective way to lift the poor out of poverty—and thus cut down on pollution—is by promoting capitalism, private enterprise, and freedom, what Novak calls “the ecology of liberty.”

As Novak writes in National Review, “Where people are poor, environmental conditions tend to be abysmal. And if the twentieth century proved anything, it was that the best way to end poverty isn’t red—the color of socialism—but blue, the color of liberty, personal initiative, and enterprise.”

For instance, worldwide, more than a billion people live without clean drinking water. This is especially true in Africa, thanks to perpetual civil wars, dishonest governments, and badly managed finances.

Of course, Africa faces technical challenges to clean water—but there is no reason these challenges cannot be conquered, as they’ve been conquered elsewhere, Novak writes. And that can only happen if other obstacles—political, cultural, and economic—are addressed using economic incentives.

For example, Africans have become accustomed to subsidized or no-cost water. At the same time, farmers and industries that pollute the water pay no price for doing so. So without any incentive to save and protect clean water, water is treated recklessly.

The solution is not fewer people polluting, but incentives for conscientious use of water and penalties for irresponsible use. Those who build and maintain treatment facilities could be offered financial incentives; polluters could be penalized.

Bringing clean water to the whole world requires imagination and enterprise, capital and organizational skills, according to Novak. The institutions best equipped to supply these elements are in the corporate business sector. Novak notes, “Blue Environmentalism encourages the highest possible level of practicality and private enterprise.”

This principle of liberty—which applies to all environmental concerns—is one of the guiding principles of what Novak labels “Blue Environmentalism.” When people make free choices, “they normally calculate the costs and benefits of their actions,” Novak writes. “These costs and benefits should be so aligned as to promote the common good, while respecting free choice.”

Although many environmental activists are loathe to admit it, this is one more reason for America to encourage the spread of democracy around the world: It will result in a cleaner planet. And that’s something to remember during the preparations for Creation Sunday 2005. What treaties and bureaucracies often can never achieve, free individuals and free markets often can.

-------------------------------------------

For further reading and information:

Today’s BreakPoint offer: The “BreakPoint” CD titled “Caring for Creation” addresses pressing environmental concerns, like global warming and “sustainable development,” and what Christians should do to care for creation, and what the law should address regarding the environment. To reserve a copy ($20 suggested donation), call 1-877-322-5527.

Learn more about “ Creation Sunday .”

Michael Novak, “ Blue Is True: What the Color of Environmentalism Should Be ,” National Review, 10 March 2003 .

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050412, “ Save the Humans: Bring Balance to Environmentalism .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050413, “ Stubborn Things: Facts and Stewardship .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050414, “ Unheard Voices: Environmental Responsibility and Human Well-Being .”

Rev. Gerald Zandstra, “ What Is Evangelical Environmentalism? ” Acton Institute for the Study of Religion and Liberty, 13 April 2005 (reprinted on BreakPoint Online).

Roberto Rivera, “ You Are That Man!: The Fruits of Anti-Natalism ,” BreakPoint Online, 5 March 2003 .

Copyright 2005 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.
~~~~~
Words of the Week:
supervene: to take place or occur as something additional, extraneous, or unexpected.
hagiography: biography of saints; also, idealizing or idolizing biography.
malapropos: unseasonable or unseasonably; inappropriate or inappropriately.
redoubt: a stronghold.
detritus: debris.
obloquy: ill repute.
extant: still existing.
from Dictionary.Com

~~~~~
"The Constitution Is What The Judges Say It Is." – Former Supreme Court Chief Justice Charles E. Hughes

"Candidates With Deeply Held Christian Beliefs Are Unfit and Disqualified From Serving As A Federal Judge." - New York Senator Charles Schumer

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has." - Will Rogers

"Boredom is a vital problem for the moralist, since at least half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it." - Bertrand Russell

"Human nature is not a machine to be built after a model, and set to do exactly the work prescribed for it, but a tree, which requires to grow and develop itself on all sides, according to the tendency of the inward forces which make it a living thing." - John Stuart Mill

"The world of books is the most remarkable creation of man. Nothing else that he builds ever lasts. Monuments fall; nations perish; civilizations grow old and die out; and, after an era of darkness, new races build others. But in the world of books are volumes that have seen this happen again and again, and yet live on, still young, still as fresh as the day they were written, still telling men's hearts of the hearts of men centuries dead." - Clarence Day

"Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great." - Mark Twain

"Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population." - Albert Einstein
~~~~~
Blind Missionary Wins Terrorists to Christ

Please take a few moments to read this letter from our friends at Voice of the Martyrs.
Sincerely,

Donald E. Wildmon, Chairman
American Family Association
-----------------------------------------------

Blind Missionary Wins Terrorists to Christ

Brother Alex was traveling with 25 of his coworkers when their bus was pulled over by guerrilla terrorists in Colombia. All the passengers were lined up on the side of the road and ordered to kneel.

Alex, believing his life was about to end began to sing praises to God. An annoyed terrorist hit him in the head with the butt of his rifle. The attackers then stood in front of the hostages and opened fire with their automatic rifles. When the bullets were spent, they took out their machetes.

A number of bullets ripped through Alex’s face, but he did not loose consciousness. He cried out to the terrorists, “Jesus loves you! Jesus loves you!” until a swinging rifle caught his jaw leaving him face down in a pool of his own blood.

Now blind, Alex is the sole survivor of the attack and many of those responsible are currently incarcerated at Medellin’s Bella Vista prison. But the story doesn’t end here. Alex has since joined a prison ministry at the same prison of his attackers and has already won some of them to Christ. He recently told The Voice of the Martyrs, “I feel love and compassion for these men because the devil has locked them up in a prison – their own prison – and doesn’t want to let them go. I can be an instrument of freedom for them.”

If you want to learn what is really happening in over 40 nations where Christians, like brother Alex, are standing strong in the face of persecution, subscribe to The Voice of the Martyrs monthly newsletter, and you faith may never be the same.

Click here to receive your FREE Subscription to The Voice of the Martyrs award-winning monthly newsletter. - - http://etools.780net.com/a/jgroup/bg_wwwpersecutioncom_afa-email05_9.html
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GCF: IRS Questions

Emailed to me from another humor list (Cascade Express E-zine) -Tom To subscribe to Cascade Express E-zine, send a blank email to: Cascade_Express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
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(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).

This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special list of the strangest of these calls.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Tax Forms, Short vs Long

Emailed to me by a friend who also happens to be an accountant
(Thanks, Robin) -Tom
----------------------------------

A quick thought before we begin .....

Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"

With that in mind, the rest of the jokes this week fit into the "tax" genre. -Tom
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The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Navy Way

Emailed to me from another humor list (Cascade Express E-zine) -Tom To subscribe to Cascade Express E-zine, send a blank email to: Cascade_Express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.

"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."

The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Gray Hair

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
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When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:

"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too."

I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

My father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.

He signed off with this observation:
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: IRS Audit

Emailed to me from another humor list (Marty's Joke of the Day) -Tom To subscribe to Marty's Joke of the Day, send a blank email to: martysjotd-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).

The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."
_ ____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / ALWAYS REMEMBER ... \ /
\ _/ There is No Such Thing as \_ /
/ / Government Money, only Taxpayer Money.\ (((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_ \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Why is it that rain drops \ /
\ _/ but snow falls? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_ \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / All those who believe in \ /
\ _/ telekinesis, raise my hand. \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_ \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / You DO know what a \ /
\ _/ leading question is, don't you? \_ /
/ / \ \
(((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_ \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Q: Are birth control \ /
\ _/ pills tax deductible? \_ /
/ / A: Only if they don't work. \ (((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_ \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Q: Are birth control \ /
\ _/ pills tax deductible? \_ /
/ / A: Only if they don't work. \ _ ____________________________ _
/ ) Thomas S. Ellsworth ( / / tellswor@slonet.org \ _( (_ http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor _) )_
_( (_ *** Good Clean Fun *** _) )_
(((\ \>_/ )_______________________( \_Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/
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[GCFL.net] Income Taxes

Income Taxes are due in America today! We at GCFL hope you all finds lots of deductions!

A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

Received from Noah Neace.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Calculate The Height of a Flag Pole

A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.

A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.

"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."

The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.

The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."

Received from Curt Wilbur.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Taxes

It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.

"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."

Received from FranCMT2.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] The Tearful Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."

Received from K D Kribbs.
-=+=-
– NEW! Go to http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20050124 to rate this funny from 0 to 5.
-=+=-
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List "A cheerful heart is good medicine!" (Prov 17:22a) Go to http://gcfl.net/mlfrontend.php to change your subscription options or unsubscribe. To email this funny to a friend, go to http://gcfl.net/emailit.php?funny=20050107 The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at http://gcfl.net/latest.php
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Something to Think About
From: "Rogers Fa mily"

The following is something to make us stop and think.

Take this quiz:

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.

Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.

Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.

Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These
are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But
the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones
that care.
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Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Revival]
"Roy D. Knight"

After the revival had concluded,
/ \ the three pastors were discussing
//_\\ the results with one another.
//(_)\ /^\ The Methodist minister said, "The
_ revival worked out great for us!
// \\ We gained four new families."
// \ // === \\ The Baptist preacher said, "We did
// =-=-= \\ better than that! We gained six new
// === \\ families."
// \ The Presbyterian pastor said,
__ __ "Well, we did even better than that!
We got rid of our 10 biggest
-- trouble makers!"
______
/` ======= ` /` ======= `
[rec'd from the Rev. Joy Butcher-Winfree of Glen Dale, WV]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Kids In Church]

Kids in Church

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James virgin?"
**********
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
**********
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."
**********
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
**********
And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
**********
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
**********
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
**********
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
**********
Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Three Religious Truthes]

The Three Religious Truths of Life:

1. The Jews don't recognize the Messiah.
2. Protestants don't recognize the Pope.
3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don't recognize each other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Commuting Woes]
COMMUTING WOES
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Hymns vs. Praise Chrouses, Part 2]
HYMNS vs PRAISE CHORUSES, PART 2
Some time ago you may have been sent the following e-mail regarding
choruses. Well, someone has crafted a response to bring a balance to
the discussion.
First, the original:
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city
church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the
farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang
praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses?" said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the
farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well it's like this - If I were to say to you:
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a hymn. If, on
the other hand, I were to say to you: 'Martha Martha, Martha, Oh,
Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the
black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS,
COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN' -- well, that would be a praise chorus."
Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:
A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend
attended a malltown church. He came home and his wife asked him how it
was.
"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different,
however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"
"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different,"
said the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The young man said, "Well it's like this: If I were to say to you,
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song.
If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:
"Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
"For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense,
Hearkenest they in God's sun or his rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
"Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.
"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key
change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
------------------
Greg Hartman, Christian Humor Guide
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: SMILEAWHILE [A Dessert in a Desert]

There are these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.
Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been traveling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"
The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."
The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been traveling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."
The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."
The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate," (cuz they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"
The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."
The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.
Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun.
As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."
The other turned to face his companion and replied...
"Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SMILEAWHILE was a "part time" ministry of the Rev. Dr. Roy Knight of
Parkersburg, WV Proverbs 17:22
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: PRISON VS. WORK
From: "David & Bobbie McClellan"

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers."
><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: And You Didn't Think?
From: "Thomas S. Ellsworth"
Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked back, there were three officers following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

\ / You know you're over the hill \ /
\ _/ when "Happy Hour" now consists \_ /
/ / of a nap. \ -------------------------------------------------

GCF: Old Words - New Meaniangs

Emailed to me from another humor list (H.A.N.D.) -Tom To subscribe to (H)ave(A)(N)ice(D)ay, send email to: majordomo@bapp.com in message body type: subscribe HAND
-------------------------------------------------

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with

Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians

Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring

Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official

\ / Eagles may soar, but weasels \ /
\ _/ aren't sucked into jet engines. \_ /
/ / \ -----------------------------------------

GCF: A Cook's Dictionary

Emailed to me from another humor list (Dave's Daily Chuckle) -Tom To subscribe to Dave's Daily Chuckle, send an email to: daily_chuckle-subscribe@eGroups.com
-------------------------------------------------

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).

Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.

\ / My ship came in, \ /
\ _/ but I was at the train station. \_ /
/ / \ ---------------------------------------------

GCF: Just Like You

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
-----------------------------------------------

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

\\\\ \_/ / Why is lemon juice mostly \ \_/ ////
\ / artificial ingredients but \ /
\ _/ dishwashing liquid \_ /
/ / contains real lemons? \ ----------------------------------------------

GCF: Outrunning A Ghost

Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Julie) -Tom
----------------------------------------------

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?)
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants cigarette."
"Well, giver him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

\ / Who edits fishing shows? \ /
\ _/ How do they decide \_ /
/ / what's too boring? \ ------------------------------------------------

GCF: Feeling Old

Emailed to me from another humor list (Klean Jokes Daily) -Tom To subscribe to Klean Jokes Daily, send an email to: subscribe-kleanjokesdaily@lists.dundee.net
---------------------------------------------------

My son came home from kindergarten on his first day of school very excited. He told of all the new kids, the new toys, and all of the daily activities. I asked if he was good for his teacher? He replied, "Yes but this other kid wasn't. She got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio thing."

My husband asked what was going on, so I told the story as, "Some kid got in trouble for touching the teacher's radio."

My son said, "No Mom, the radio thing, the thing that plays the BIG CD'S."

Then we realized it was a record player and my son had no idea what it was. Enough to make you roll your eyes and feel very old, very fast.
---------------------------------------------

PS from Tom: Anybody still got any 8-tracks?
\ / Crime wouldn't pay \ /
\ _/ if the government ran it. \_ /
-----------------------------------------------

GCF: Abstract Noun

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
----------------------------------------------

"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

\ / What happens if you are \ /
\ _/ scared half to death twice? \_ /
/ / \ -------------------------------------------

GCF: Combination Prayer

Emailed to me from another humor list (Funny-Bone) -Tom To subscribe to Funny-Bone, send an email to: Join-Funny-Bone@lists.spunge.org
------------------------------------------

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun the dial and opened the lock. Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith, he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the ceiling."

\ _/The spell-checker is hear two stay.\_ /
/ / \ ----------------------------------------------

GCF: The Love Boat

Emailed to me from another humor list (Joke of the Day) -Tom
To subscribe to Joke of the Day, send an email to:
subscribe-joker@send.memail.com
-------------------------------------------

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.

"How so?" his friend asks.

"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."

"Was that not love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was motion sickness."

\ / Golf got its name because all \ /
\ _/ of the other four letter words \_ /
/ / were taken. \ ---------------------------------------------

GCF: School Question

Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks Herman) -Tom
--------------------------------------------

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

\ / How did I get so round \ /
\ _/ from eating square meals? \_ /
/ / \ ---------------------------------------------

GCF: Golf Clubs

Emailed to me from another humor list (Klean Jokes Daily) -Tom To subscribe to Klean Jokes Daily, send an email to: subscribe-kleanjokesdaily@lists.dundee.net
----------------------------------------------

A golfer, who was known for his bad temper, walked into the Pro Shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of woods.

The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back.

But the next time he came in, he was all smiles.

"They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones."

\ / Most people work just hard \ /
\ _/ enough not to get fired and \_ /
/ / get paid just enough not to quit. \ -------------------------------------------------

GCF: Contacting Grandma

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
-------------------------------------------

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, Grandma?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

\ / Mechanic: "I couldn't \ /
\ _/ repair your brakes, \_ /
/ / so I made your horn louder." \ -------------------------------------------------

GCF: Still On My Diet

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
------------------------------------------------

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

\\\\ \_/ / Education is what remains \ \_/ ////
\ / after one has forgotten \ /
\ _/ everything one learned in school. \_ /
/ / --Albert Einstein \ -------------------------------------------------

GCF: The Big Sale

Emailed to me from another humor list (Klean Jokes Daily) -Tom To subscribe to Klean Jokes Daily, send an email to: subscribe-kleanjokesdaily@lists.dundee.net
------------------------------------------------

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

\\\\ \_/ / If you line up all the \ \_/ ////
\ / cars in the world end to end, \ /
\ _/ someone would be stupid enough \_ /
/ / to try and pass them. \ --------------------------------------------

GCF: Flying is Like Driving

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
----------------------------------------

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

\\\\ \_/ / The "save" icon \ \_/ ////
\ / on Microsoft Word \ /
\ _/ shows a floppy disk, \_ /
/ / with the shutter on backwards. \ ----------------------------------------

GCF: Tax Bills

It's tax time again here in the US, so it only seems appropriate that I dedicate a few days of humor to the subject of taxes, the IRS, etc.

Emailed to be from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
--------------------------------------------------

Last year about 3,000 US taxpayers erroneously received word from the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) that they each owed some $300 million in taxes. Corrections and apologies followed. Then, in April, Lorie Marling of Columbus, Ohio, got a tax bill for $270 BILLION!!!

The IRS did graciously offer to let her pay in 3 easy installments of $90 billion each.
Source: Kiplinger's Personal Finance Magazine

\\\\ \_/ / The only 15 letter word \ \_/ ////
\ / that can be spelled without \ /
\ _/ repeating a letter is \_ /
/ / uncopyrightable. \ -------------------------------------------

GCF: Sherlock and the IRS
Emailed to me from another humor list (Funny-Bone) -Tom To subscribe to Funny-Bone, send an email to: Join-Funny-Bone@lists.spunge.org
-------------------------------------------

A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.
Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"Why would you say that?" replied the broker.
"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

\ / I believe that we should \ /
\ _/ all pay our taxes with a smile. \_ /
/ / I tried that but they wanted cash. \ ----------------------------------------------

GCF: Form 1040?

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
-------------------------------------------------

For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form.
-----------------------------------------------

Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?

Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

\\\\ \_/ / Why does a slight tax increase\ \_/ ////
\ / cost you two hundred dollars \ /
\ _/ and a substantial tax cut \_ /
/ / save you 30 cents? \ --------------------------------------------

GCF: Trick or Treat

Emailed to me from another humor list (Dave's Daily Chuckle) -Tom To subscribe to Dave's Daily Chuckle, send an email to: daily_chuckle-subscribe@egroups.com
---------------------------------------------

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands a well dressed kid in a black suit carrying a briefcase, saying "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kid who he's dressed up as for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

\\\\ \_/ / The Government that robs \ \_/ ////
\ / Peter to pay Paul, can always \ /
\ _/ depend upon the support of Paul. \_ /
/ / - George Bernard Shaw \ ----------------------------------------------
GCF: Death Bed

Found posted at the Tax Humor section of 4 Guys From Rolla -Tom http://4guysfromrolla.com/humor/tax_humor.shtml
-----------------------------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service, and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything'."

\\\\ \_/ / A taxpayer is someone who \ \_/ ////
\ /works for the federal government \ /
\ _/ but who doesn't have to take a \_ /
/ / civil service examination. \ - Ronald Reagan
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This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things.

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!!
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Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website.
Today's Clean Laugh

Wilderness Guide

"We pass this way but once," we have heard it said. But my wife has learned that, unless I've studied a map, that isn't necessarily true.

So I understand the fix a local hunting guide got himself into.

His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted.

"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Board Meeting

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

If Airlines Sold Paint

*If Airlines Sold Paint*

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: Forget this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Money

Money can buy a house,but not a home.
Money can buy a bed,but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock,but not time.
Money can buy a book,but not knowledge.
Money can buy food,but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything! Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Out Of Office Replies

I don't know about you, but I find those "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-replies so ordinary and tedious. Here are some fun alternatives.

1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.

4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Pointy-Haired Boss's cell phone number here).

5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Hooked On Jesus"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=15

"Cat Fever"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=16

"Hardly Used"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=17

"No Visitors"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=18

"Youth Repair"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=19

Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2004 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/unspeakablemeetings.html - - Those Unspeakable Meetings "Do men and women communicate differently at work? Yes, according to proponents of the "men and women are from different galaxies" school of thought. Women are said to be self-effacing and apologetic. Men, on the other hand, are described as convincingly confident ... even when they don't have the slightest idea what they're talking about..."
http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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Annual Credit Report - - https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp - - This central site allows you to request a free credit file disclosure, commonly called a credit report, once every 12 months from each of the nationwide consumer credit reporting companies: Equifax, Experian and TransUnion. You can also request your report by phone or mail. Monitoring and periodically reviewing your credit report is an effective tool in fighting identity theft.
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"More than 27,000 human organs were transplanted last year, a record driven by a big jump in donations from the dead, the government said on March 29, 2005. Donations from the living - mostly kidneys - increased only slightly last year, but gifts from the dead soared by nearly 11 percent after years of stagnant growth. For the previous three years, living donors had outnumbered deceased donors. There were 7,153 deceased donors in 2004, with an average of three organs transplanted from each. At the same time, the number of living donors crept up by 2 percent to 6,965. Most living donors give a kidney, as people have two and only need one. Some give a slice of liver or lung, with each piece regenerating into a full organ. Overall, the increase in donations led to 6 percent more transplants performed - 27,025 last year, the most on record in a single year. That was up from 25,461 in 2003."
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How tax-friendly is your state? - - http://money.cnn.com/pf/features/lists/taxesbystate2005/index.html - - The Tax Foundation, a policy research group, estimates the average taxpayer's total state and local tax burden for 2005 in each of the 50 states and the District of Columbia. / IRS: Free Online Filing - - http://www.irs.gov/efile/article/0,,id=118986,00.html / Yahoo Tax Center - - http://taxes.yahoo.com/
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How the Papacy Works - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/papacy.htm - - The Catholic population, meaning those who have been baptized by the Roman Catholic Church, cracked the one billion mark in 2001, according to the church's Pontifical Yearbook. Catholicism is by far the largest Christian denomination in the world, and more than 62 million Americans belong to the Catholic Church. As the world mourns the passing of Pope John Paul II, the Catholic Church will have to select a new pope for the first time in a quarter century. This HowStuffWorks site examines the jurisdiction of the Papacy of the Roman Catholic Church, discusses how someone becomes pope, and reviews some of the duties a pope performs.
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"People at risk of developing strokes caused by narrowed arteries in the brain should consider aspirin instead of a common anti-clotting drug, new research suggests. Aspirin worked just as well as warfarin in stroke patients with narrowed brain arteries, according to a study of 569 people at more than 50 sites across North America. But those on warfarin, which is marketed as Coumadin, suffered a higher death rate and more major bleeding compared to those who took aspirin. Results appear in the New England Journal of Medicine. The study was done in patients who had suffered a stroke or mini-stroke as a result of a condition called symptomatic intracranial arterial stenosis. It is caused by the buildup of fatty deposits in the arteries' inner walls, restricting blood flow. It's unknown just how many people have the disorder, but it causes about 10 percent of the 900,000 strokes and mini-strokes that occur in the United States each year."
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Alternative Minimum Tax - - http://www.irs.gov/newsroom/article/0,,id=107843,00.html - - Before mailing your federal income tax return, check to make sure you aren't subject to the alternative minimum tax. In recent years, more and more people have found themselves subject to the AMT. The tax law gives preferential treatment to some kinds of income and allows special deductions and credits for some kinds of expenses. Taxpayers who benefit from these provisions of the law may have to pay an additional tax called the alternative minimum tax. It is a separate tax computation that, in effect, eliminates many deductions and credits and creates a tax liability for an individual who would otherwise pay little or no tax. Related sites: Guide to Alternative Minimum Tax - - http://www.fairmark.com/amt/ / Tax Guide: The Alternative Minimum Tax - - http://www.smartmoney.com/tax/filing/index.cfm?story=amt / Yahoo Tax Center: The Alternative Minimum Tax - - http://taxes.yahoo.com/guide/amt/
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Google Scholar - - http://scholar.google.com/ - - Google Scholar enables you to search specifically for scholarly literature, including peer-reviewed papers, theses, books, preprints, abstracts and technical reports from all broad areas of research. Use Google Scholar to find articles from a wide variety of academic publishers, professional societies, preprint repositories and universities, as well as scholarly articles available across the web.
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"Americans spend more than 100 hours commuting to work each year, according to American Community Survey (ACS) data released today by the U.S. Census Bureau. This exceeds the two weeks of vacation time (80 hours) frequently taken by workers over the course of a year. For the nation as a whole, the average daily commute to work lasted about 24.3 minutes in 2003. 'This annual information on commuters and their work trips and other transportation-related data will help local, regional and state agencies maintain, improve, plan and develop the nation's transportation systems,' said Census Bureau Director Louis Kincannon. 'American Community Survey data will provide valuable assistance to agencies offering housing, education and other public services as well.' Based on a ranking of states with the longest average commute-to-work times, the ACS showed that New York (30.4 minutes) and Maryland (30.2 minutes) residents spent the most time traveling to their jobs. New Jersey (28.5 minutes), Illinois (27.0 minutes) and California (26.5 minutes) were also among states with some of the longest one-way commute times. States with some of the lowest average commute times included South Dakota (15.2 minutes), North Dakota (15.4 minutes), Nebraska (16.5 minutes) and Montana (16.9 minutes)."
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Comparison of State and Local Tax Burdens Across the Nation - - http://www.taxfoundation.org/statelocal.html - - Site by the Tax Foundation. Each state's total tax burden represents a combination of federal, state, and local tax burdens. The first set of tables display the state and local tax burden in each of the 50 states between 1970 and 2005. It can be instructive, however, to strip out federal taxes and compare just the tax burdens of states and localities. The second set of tables first rank states' state-local tax burdens, then add back in federal taxes to see how rankings change.
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USA Statistics in Brief - - http://www.census.gov/statab/www/brief.html - - USA Statistics in Brief is a supplement to the Statistical Abstract of the United States published by the U.S. Census Bureau and presents national summary data and state population estimates.
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"Americans' incomes, bolstered by strong gains in hiring, rose by 0.3 percent in February while consumer spending climbed at an even faster pace of 0.5 percent, the government reported March 31, 2005. The Commerce Department said the gain in spending followed a much smaller 0.1 percent increase in January and reflected the fact that auto sales rebounded last month after having fallen in January. The 0.3 percent rise in incomes was attributed to a surge of 262,000 new jobs in February, the biggest increase in four months. Further solid gains in both incomes and consumer spending are expected in the months ahead as the consumer continues to be a driving force in the economy. Analysts said the February gains in incomes and spending showed that the economy was being propelled this year by continued strength in employment growth and consumer spending - which accounts for two-thirds of total economic activity."
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Tax Tips for 2005 - - http://www.irs.gov/newsroom/content/0,,id=104608,00.html - - Latest tax tips for 2005 from the Internal Revenue Service.
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Tax-friendly places 2005 - - http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/08/real_estate/tax_friendly/index.htm - - Every year, the Tax Foundation measures the total tax bill for each state, creating a list of the most - and least - tax-friendly states in the country. See the full list at this site.
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Indicators of School Crime and Safety: 2004 - - http://nces.ed.gov/pubsearch/pubsinfo.asp?pubid=2005002 - - A joint effort by the Bureau of Justice Statistics and National Center for Education Statistics, this annual report examines crime occurring in school as well as on the way to and from school. It provides the most current detailed statistical information to inform the Nation on the nature of crime in schools.This report presents data on crime at school from the perspectives of students, teachers, principals, and the general population from an array of sources.
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"Determined to stop a troubling rise in tax fraud, the IRS is scrutinizing more returns, shutting down tax shelters and frog marching scofflaws into court. So as you hustle to file your 1040 before midnight Friday, should you worry about an audit? If you're a middle-income wage earner with a straightforward tax return, probably not. But if you're wealthy, self-employed or have had your returns prepared by an unorthodox tax adviser, keep good records. The IRS may want to chat with you. For the past year, IRS Commissioner Mark Everson has been barnstorming the country, telling journalists, politicians and tax professionals that the nation's tax cops are back on the beat. The number of audits rose nearly 19% last year. Audits of high-income taxpayers rose 40%. In February, the Justice Department and the IRS indicted telecommunications entrepreneur Walter Anderson for allegedly failing to pay $200 million in federal and local taxes, the largest criminal tax case against an individual."
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Tax Tips for 2005 - - http://www.irs.gov/newsroom/content/0,,id=104608,00.html - - Latest tax tips for 2005 from the Internal Revenue Service. / Americans Spend 6.6 Billion Hours on Taxes - - http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=513&ncid=716&e=7&u=/ap/20050415
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Tax-friendly places 2005 - - http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/08/real_estate/tax_friendly/index.htm - - Every year, the Tax Foundation measures the total tax bill for each state, creating a list of the most - and least - tax-friendly states in the country. See the full list at this site.
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Email Abuse - - http://www.emailabuse.org/ - - The use of electronic mail to advertise unethically, harass, annoy, or cause harm to the email recipient. Abuse can take the form of bulk email, threatening email, email sent with the intent to slow productivity of, or cause damage to, the recipient's system. It is a world wide problem and anyone with an email address is vulnerable. EmailAbuse.org is dedicated to informing users of this potential abuse and providing them with the tools to avoid becoming a victim and to fight back at Email Abusers.
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"Children wearing safety belts who are exposed to older air bags in frontal crashes face a higher risk of serious injury compared with those in vehicles with newer versions of the safety devices, a study released April 4, 2005 found. The study, published in the April edition of the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine, reports that children wearing seat belts in the right front seat had a 14.9 percent risk of serious injury when an older air bag was deployed in a crash. Children in a similar situation exposed to second-generation air bags, or those built after federal regulators amended air bag rules in 1997, had a 9.9 percent risk of serious injury. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recommends all children ages 12 and under be placed in rear seats. But researchers note many children continue to sit in the right front seat of passenger vehicles."
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Create Your Own Web Page - - http://www.html-helper.net/ - - So you want to create a web page but don't have any idea how to do it? Well, that's what this article is all about. This site starts from the basics and works up to some of the more advanced techniques.
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"Many foster children apparently go on to have rocky young adulthoods: They're less educated and in much worse mental health than other adults the same age, and about one-third live at or below the poverty level - three times the national average, a study of former foster care children reported on April 6, 2005. About 800,000 children a year in the USA spend time in foster care. But few studies have examined their lives beyond the teen years. It's a disturbing picture, says study leader Peter Pecora of the Casey Family Programs. The 479 adults ages 20 to 33 in the study had spent at least a year in foster homes when they were ages 14 to 18. Only about 1 out of 5 are mentally healthy and employed. More than half have at least one mental disorder, including 25% with post-traumatic stress disorder in the past year. That's more than six times the post-traumatic stress rate for adults the same age and even higher than war veterans' levels, Pecora says. Just 2% have a college degree, compared with 24% for other adults the same age. And more than 1 out of 5 have been homeless."
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Safety From The Heart
from Pam Kemp.

This is one of those stories that you really don't want to tell but hope that if you do, it will help someone else:

A couple of weeks ago my son and I were attempting to repair a chain on my garage door opener that had slipped off the track. He and I both had taken all the precautions we thought necessary to brace the ladder against one of the overhead boards in the garage and leveled the bottom of the ladder on the garage floor before he climbed up to the motor housing. I stood at the bottom to hand him whatever tool he may have needed to put the chain back on.

After a few attempts at loosening the screws to fit the chain back on, it finally fit again. He tightened up the screws, came down the ladder and told me to stand back while he pushed the button to see if the job was a success....as soon as he hit the button the chain popped off and came down with a bang. If he had not told me to stand aside I would have caught the chain with my head. Instead there was nothing under it that could be in harm's way.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we may try to save ourselves a few dollars by trying to fix things ourselves but it is better to get someone who knows what they're doing. Could be cheaper than an emergency room visit.
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Safety From The Heart
What are the Odds
submitted by Joe Dolniak.

What is it with today's youth with their desire to hurt? Last night my wife Donna, our five year old son, Donna's sister and I were coming home from the Charleston airport after picking up Donna's sister whose flight arrived late at about 12:40 AM. We were going home doing 65 mph on I-26 North. The weather was light rain. We were in the right hand lane, and a semi was in the center lane several seconds in front of us. Because of the early hour, no other traffic was near us.

Just as we passed under an overpass, we heard a "gunshot" and the moon roof imploded. I was able to pull over OK, and everyone was fine except for minor glass cuts and being quite shook up. The pictures tell what happened. Some delinquent threw a brick from the overpass that hit about 4 feet behind the windshield. When the police arrived, they stated that they have had several complaints about this, at the same overpass.

Calculating the speed and distance, if this would have happened about .046 seconds earlier, it would have come through the front window and surely have killed someone. We were all very lucky.

Appreciate what you have. Also, be careful when driving in Charleston in the early morning.
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Safety From The Heart
from Preeti Chugani at the Houston Albemarle plant..

A recommendation for allergy sufferers: Wash your hair before sleeping if you've been outside. Hair can act as a filter for allergens.
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Safety From The Heart
From SCDOT.org

The South Carolina Department of Transportation (SCDOT), the South Carolina Division Office of the Federal Highway Administration, and the South Carolina Department of Public Safety (SCDPS) held a news conference Tuesday, March 29, 2005, to discuss an important new highway safety law..

The "Steer It and Clear It" law focuses on the safety of motorists, law enforcement and other emergency responders by helping keep travel lanes clear and moving freely. This new law requires motorists involved in minor traffic crashes with no injuries to move their vehicles to the highway shoulder.

At the news conference, SCDOT, FHWA, and SCDPS unveiled new highway signs and other efforts to inform the public of the new law.
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Safety From The Heart

By Jessica Keich, Baton Rouge Tower Employee

This past week I was involved in an automobile accident and fortunately no one was injured. The damage was to my vehicle. I was on my way to work, on my normal route, on a road that splits with one lane leading to the interstate and the other continuing in one lane. There is usually some confusion when drivers realize they have to change lanes to get where they want to go. So, I was in the right lane entering the interstate path and closely watching the vehicle beside me. I thought the driver was deciding whether to move into my lane and the driver in front of me, in a ¾ ton pick-up truck, stopped abruptly because the vehicle in front of it decided to change lanes. I hit my brakes but the 12" trailer hitch rammed through the grill of my car and did $5000 worth of damage. The truck was undamaged. The accident was my fault and I should have had more distance between my car and the truck. I would not have hit the truck if it had not been for the trailer hitch but maybe it is on there to prevent damage if the truck gets hit from behind. Remember to keep a proper distance between you and the vehicle in front of you and if you have a trailer hitch you might want to remove the hitch from the receiver when not in use.
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Safety From The Heart
submitted by Tonya Powell.

National-NBC) April 7, 2005 - Stress puts millions of people in the hospital each year. In fact, the Centers for Disease Control say up to 90% of doctor's visits could involve a stress-related illness.

Dave Rivas is a 911 dispatcher and must also calm down callers to get the information they need to help save a life, "They don't know what to do and they are coming to you for help. And so you have to remain calm and try and help them. That's kind of stressful. You can't just freak out along with them."

Rivas says stress causes insomnia, high blood pressure, and weight gain, "Sometimes we don't eat healthy, a lot of times you don't eat healthy."

New research shows intense stress can actually injure your body's cells.. That it can speed up the aging process and expose you to disease.

Richard Avery is a psychotherapist who helps his patient's deal with stress. He sees the damage it does, "Muscle tension, headache, digestive problems, poor sleep."

Avery says you can't completely escape stress, but you can manage it by taking breaks and treating yourself well, "Just stop, and allow your mind to slow down and your body to settle." Rivas agrees, even though stress is a huge factor in his life, "But if you can just loosen up your grasp on whatever it is that's stressing you out, that's gonna help. That's what helped me."

Other tips for dealing with stress: exercise whenever you can. Ask for help with work or other chores and try prayer or meditation
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE CONTACT: Mary Nemick
DATE, 2005
(202) 518-0044 (phone)

nemick@earthday.net

Earth Day Network Announces Historic Earth Day Summit in Israel on Water Issues

Water conference will bring together Israelis, Arabs and other ethnic groups

Washington DC (March 22, 2005) – Earth Day Network, the organization that supports Earth Day activities around the world each year, has announced today – World Water Day 2005 – that it will hold an Earth Day 2005 Summit in Israel in April that will bring together historically opposed ethnic groups from around the country to address the critical need for increased access to clean water for all citizens of Israel.

Earth Day Network is a leader in international water issues, working with grassroots and multinational partners from around the globe, to educate individuals, governments, and corporations about fresh water.

The two-day conference will take place in Neve Shalom, a town that many consider to be the only fully integrated city in Israel. The Summit will draw Jewish-Israelis, Arab-Israelis and members of other ethic groups, such as Druids and Bedouins.

“Like most aspects of Israeli society,” said Jonah Schein, Middle East Coordinator at Earth Day Network, “the environmental movement is also highly factionalized. This leads to an inability to effectively respond to environmental threats that affect all citizens. This will be a way to change that dynamic.”

The Earth Day 2005 Summit, which will take place April 14-15, 2005, is being hailed as an historic step in bridging ethnic barriers in this polarized country. Organizers believe that it will begin a dialogue and the creation of partnerships among groups that have never worked together before, giving them a common goal and purpose – water access - that moves beyond the religious and political conflicts in Israel.

“World Water Day is the perfect time to announce this unprecedented summit in Israel,” said Kathleen Rogers, President of Earth Day Network. “Without access to safe, clean water, the health of our children and our communities is untenable. The international community has begun to acknowledge the need to work together to ensure access to sustainable water supplies for all people. This summit is the first step toward doing this in the Middle East.”
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God Knows
From: "David & Bobbie McClellan"
----: GOD KNOWS

When you are tired and discouraged from fruitless efforts... God knows how hard you have tried.
When you've cried so long and your heart is in anguish... God has counted your tears.
If you feel that your life is on hold and time has passed you by.. God is waiting with you.
When you're lonely and your friends are too busy even for a phone call... God is by your side.
When you think you've tried everything and don't know where to turn... God has a solution.
When nothing makes sense and you are confused or frustrated... God has the answer.
If suddenly your outlook is brighter and you find traces of hope... God has whispered to you.
When things are going well and you have much to be Thankful for.. God has blessed you.
When something joyful happens and you are filled with awe. God has smiled upon you.
When you have a purpose to fulfill and a dream to follow... God has opened your eyes and called you by name.
Remember that wherever you are or whatever you are facing. . GOD KNOWS
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Subject: Puzzle
From: Harper Baucum

In the following story, there are sixteen books of the Bible hidden.

Can you find them all?

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu. Kept some people looking so hard for facts and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized, but the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers.
To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot.
Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to fin one of them and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea, so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books in the Bible in this story, (One preacher found 15 books in 20 minutes but it took him three weeks to find the 16th.)
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Jason sent this to us recently. I haven't had time to check it out. If you do, please let me know what you think. JFM
Subject: Citizens for a Better Columbia County
From: "J. Sniggle Sands"
Hello, there is a watchdog group being formed called Citizens for a Better Columbia County that will help watch the current situation of Columbia County and it will include getting people together to make this county abetter place for all. If you are interested in this group and/or the status of our county government by e-mail, then send a message to wetype@mail.arkansas.net and tell him (Steven) that you are interested in helping correct the government and politics in Columbia County! To the young ones on the mailing list: please get this to your parents one way or the other! Also, feel free to forward it.
:) Thanks, Snig
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Keokuk, Iowa: Where Travesty Compounds Tragedy

Reprinted with permission........

By Harry Carter, PH.D., L.L.C.

As one who was a firefighter and officer in a large metropolitan city for more than a quarter of a century, I thought that I had seen it all. It was not the death and destruction involved that got to me as much as it was the ignorance and disdain of the people who held elected office. Or more correctly, it was their unwillingness to listen to reasonable arguments for improved fire protection.
A professional in any field of endeavor does their job to the best of their ability regardless of whatever circumstances present themselves. None of us takes up the shield and sword of fire protection with a goal of public praise and great riches. But, what we do expect is a fair shake and some decent support.
Recent events in the fire service have shown us that there is a great deal of sacrifice involved in being a modern firefighter. First it was our six brothers in Worcester who made the supreme sacrifice. Then it was our three brothers in Keokuk, Iowa. Then just this week it was our brother and sister from Houston. And don't forget the scores of others who have died singly, in a wide range of communities all across America.

In every case that we know of, the individuals involved received a hero's farewell. This is as it should be. It harks back to the Biblical invocations about giving one's life to save another. What we usually do not see, or read about are the details about the manner in which the deceased firefighter's families are treated by those for whom they died; their fire departments and municipal governments. At least I had not seen such information until today.
On Thursday February 17, 2000, the members of the Keokuk, Iowa, City Council voted not to pay for the funerals of the three brave men who gave their lives for that very community. I learned of this fact from an Internet message posted by Richard Arwood of the Fire Service Institute at Iowa State University.
I hesitated before answering the message Chief Arwood posted to the list, but as one who has battled in the trenches of the fire service for many years now, I thought that I had seen just about every skinflint, cheapskate, no good trick that politicians could play upon the fire service. But just when you think that you have seen it all, up pops an example that tops them all.
Now I am fairly certain that the good politicians of Keokuk had the advice of a lawyer on this. No politician goes to the bathroom without the advice of a lawyer. And I am also fairly certain that there was no legal or contractual requirement to pay for the funeral expenses. But that is where my uncertainty stops.
What I am certain of is that these local government politicians are among the most anatomically incorrect people on the face of the earth.
What part of their anatomy is missing you might ask? Why it is the heart, don't you see? My research in the February 18, 2000 Des Moines Register further indicates that these are the same compassionate soles who terminated hospitalization coverage to the families of the brave heroes.
This reminds me of the time that a fellow member of the Newark Fire Department died. The front office heroes wanted to know whether he died before or after 1200 hrs. When I asked why they needed to know their answer was, ". well if he died before 1200 hr., then we don't pay the family for that day when we settle up." I wonder if that person has relatives on the Keokuk City Council.
In the NFD, we always strove to do the right thing by our men, even if the powers that be didn't. But the ladies and gentlemen who constitute the governing body in Keokuk apparently lack the common sense and common decency to help out the families of the men who DIED doing their duty.
I know that this would motivate the living daylights out of me. But then the reality of life would bleed back in, and well, life would go on. We should all thank the Lord that the dedicated members of the fire department in Keokuk will probably react like firefighters the world over. They will grumble, and grouse. They will raise a stink to high heaven. And then when the bells ring, and a life is on the line, they will mount up and head out to do their duty.
Maybe someday I will meet a politician who knows the meaning of "... do the right thing." Until then you will see me in dark areas, moving about with a lantern, doing my best imitation of Diogenes. Only, I will be in search of a politician with a sense of decency, and a regard for the sincere sacrifice and service of America's Fire Service.
I want to suggest that we all rally around those families. We have to create a firestorm of protest. We must hold those politician's feet to the fire. I would suggest we form our own "Pay for the Funeral's" fund, as a way of shaming those people.
How about it? I will donate the first $100. But who will handle this? I went to Firehouse.Com and found these three sites:

Keokuk Firefighters Memorial Fund
Keokuk Savings Bank
501 Main St Keokuk, IA 52632
Telephone: (319) 524-2329

Keokuk Fire Fighter Memorial Fund
c/o Keokuk Fire Department
111 South 13th Street
Keokuk, IA 52632

For surviving family members Melissa Cooper and Jacob McFarland:

Church of Christ
220 S. 13th St.
Keokuk, IA 52632 (319) 524-4814

Wouldn't a sudden burst of money be a great way to help people who have already given more than anyone should be asked to give?
And be sure to include a note to the fund trustees, telling them that you are pitching in to make up for the Keokuk Cheapskates.
© 2000 Harry R. Carter, Ph.D., L.L.C. Reprinted with permission.
About the author: Harry R. Carter, Ph.D., is an internationally known municipal fire protection consultant. Dr. Carter is an associate professor in the Fire Science Program at Mercer County College, in West Windsor, New Jersey. He recently retired as a Battalion Commander with the Newark, New Jersey Fire Department. Dr. Carter is the first vice president of The International Society of Fire Service Instructors (ISFSI). He has authored seven textbooks and written over 600 articles for all of the major fire service trade journals. To contact Dr. Carter, visit http://www.harrycarter.com.
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NEPALESE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
From: Dick Waller

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self Respect for others and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Call your parents/children/siblings.
20. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
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An "Earth Day" Story (With local comments at the end.)
Subject: Chicago Tribune article: The electronic junk pile Dear Friends of the Clean Computer Campaign: The enclosed article ran in today's Chicago Tribune. It addresses the growing piles of electronic junk and discusses computer recyling, toxic materials, producer responsibility and governmental responses.
http://chicagotribune.com/tech/news/article/0,2669,ART-42544,FF.html
Ted Smith

The electronic junk pile
By Rick Hepp

In the next few years, American businesses and consumers will be forced to face a hidden problem: The growing amount of electronic trash that's collecting in our storage rooms, attics and basements.
Experts estimate that as many as 75 percent of the 61 million computers that became obsolete in the last three years are still being stored in warehouses, businesses and homes. They expect 315 million computers to be obsolete by 2004.
Add to that the tens of millions of television sets expected to be discarded once digital television kicks in and dealing with the problem of consumer electronic waste could be a mountainous task.
High-definition digital television, which requires a wider television screen than current models offer, will be used exclusively by TV stations in 2006. While a converter box would keep current sets working, the Consumer Electronics Association estimates 40 million consumers will have made the switch by then.
"We may be at the beginning of a major wave as households across the country convert to new technologies," said Michael Shapiro, a deputy assistant administrator at the Environmental Protection Agency. "There is a concern on how quickly that might turn over in the future."
Faced with this growing problem, businesses and government agencies will be challenged to find cost-efficient and environmentally safe method of disposing of consumer electronic junk.
Many people don't even know that computers, monitors and TVs all contain toxic materials and potentially dangerous trace elements and heavy metals, said Bud Ward, executive director of the National Safety Council's Environmental Health Center.
For example, carcinogenic brominate flame retardants are used in the plastic covers of computers and TVs. Lead is used in monitors and television picture tubes as well as in the soldering used on circuit boards. And, among other heavy metals, trace amounts of cadmium, mercury and phosphorus are used in the circuitry.
While the EPA views the dumping or burning of electronic junk benignly, Shapiro said, "there's at least some potential threat of releasing the material into the environment if it's disposed of or mismanaged in the course of disposal." The EPA currently only regulates the disposal of large numbers of monitors or televisions.
That's in contrast to environmental groups who say using a landfill or incinerator to deal with "a box full of very toxic materials" is environmentally unsafe.
"Once you create this stuff, you can't make it go away completely," said Ted Smith, executive director of the Silicon Valley Toxics Coalition.
"If you put it into a landfill, it's going to leach and get into the landfill. If you try to burn it or incinerate it -- you can't burn up heavy metals like lead, mercury or cadmium -- you get residuals that end up getting into the ash as well as the air."
Both agreed recycling the millions of pounds of raw materials in the consumer junk would be more beneficial.
"From an environmental standpoint, (recycling) would save significant resources upstream in terms of mining activities that don't have to happen or have to happen in a less environmentally degrading way," Shapiro said.
Currently, only about 11 percent of the 24 million desktop PCs that became obsolete in 1999 were recycled or refurbished, according to a National Safety Council study. That number is expected to rise annually.
By 2005 the recycling industry will process 9.9 million, or about 16 percent of the nation's 63.4 million obsolete computers.
The potential industry growth led Waste Management Inc. to start an asset recovery division two years ago. At recycling plants, workers break down electronic products, including computers and televisions, to their components for scrap and grind up leftover plastic for sale to companies that make products such as outdoor furniture or automotive parts.
Depending on the item and the distance from the pick-up location and the recycling plant, Waste Management charges between 10 cents and 18 cents a pound. Since its first plant in 1998, the Houston-based company has opened five more locations and is expected to add more, including one in Chicago. The company is currently building glass-recycling plant to handle TVs and computer monitors.
"Our primary customer base now is the manufacturers," such as Sony, Intel and Compaq, "not necessarily companies that may have a hundred extra computers lying around," said Tom Reik, the finance director for recycling. "We surely are starting that end of the business and they're starting to find out about us, too."
Reik said that if state or municipal collections become widespread, he could see Waste Management handle residential waste as well. It already has a contract with Minnesota to hold regular consumer electronic collections for residents to drop off their old junk.
"Unless you have truckload quantities, it becomes cost prohibitive to move it to one of our sites and for us to recycle it," he said. The picture doesn't seem as rosy for computer resellers, according to Dan Bayha, vice president of Back Thru the Future Inc., a New Jersey-based firm with a branch office in Lombard.
Resellers are a tributary in the recycling waste stream, often taking shipments of used computers from large corporations and sorting through them to find those with the greatest market value for resale. The industry handled 400,000 of the computers recycled last year.
"The reselling business is marginal and getting worse," Bayha said.
Resellers operate under the value structure of new equipment and as the price of new computers goes down, so does the price of resale computers.

"Every year we are challenged to sell more product to maintain our revenues," Bayha said. Plus, more than 50 percent of what Back Thru the Future collected last year cost them money because a large number of computers in the shipments were considered scrap, costing the company between $15 and $30 each to recycle.
The prospect of diminishing returns led them to take a fundamental change in the way they approached businesses. Rather than sticking strictly with resale, "we've become intelligent sorters that help companies segregate products to the primary recyclers who handle those products," Bayha said.
To spur computer recycling, especially in the case of monitors, which contain lead, the EPA will propose a waste management regulation for businesses later this year and expects to implement it in 2001. The regulation would streamline the hazardous waste requirements on businesses that dispose of more than 200 pounds of computer monitors or televisions a month. The glass panels, or cathode ray tubes, used in monitors and TVs, contain high levels of lead, which is used to shield people from the radiation produced by them.
If businesses opt to recycle the monitors, they would be allowed to forgo the costly process of filing for a hazardous waste permit to transport the material to a landfill.
"It's designed to encourage centralized collection and management of cathode ray tubes," the EPA's Shapiro said. "It's basically something to facilitate collection by intermediaries."
While the EPA's proposal is designed to facilitate recycling, Smith, head of the San Jose, Calif.-based Silicon Valley Toxics Coalition, called it just another way to deregulate an industry that needs more supervision, not less.
The proposal would "reduce cost without establishing producer responsibility and without establishing infrastructure to be able to do it," Smith said. "They try to reduce cost without establishing the mechanisms to make sure that things are done in an environmentally safe way."
Instead, Smith recommended making manufacturers financially and legally responsible for their products.
"Once that happens, it's going to become part of the bottom-line equation of the producers to have to pay for all the problems they are creating," he said. "Then they'll see it's in their own economic interest to redesign the products that they're making."
Like the EPA, local governments are looking into ways to spur recycling by residents who have old computers and televisions stowed in the attic or basement.
For consumers, taking PCs to recyclers can be costly; Back Thru the Future charges a recycling fee of $10 for monitors and $6 for desktop PCs for off-the-street customers. Plus, there aren't any options for disposing of televisions.
The City of Chicago is in contract negotiations with an unnamed recycling company to sponsor a centralized collection of consumer electronics, according to Jessica Rio, spokeswoman for the city's Environment Department.
The contract would also require the company to recycle the city's obsolete computers, which are being stored, she said. Once the contract is settled, Chicago would join suburban governments, such as Naperville, that already have collection days. They started one in October 1996, teaming up with Electronic Recovery Specialists of Niles for a once-yearly collection day. This year's collection netted 70,000 pounds of electronics material in six hours.
"We knew that 86 percent of the residents here owned a computer," said Marta Keane, the environmental program's administrator in Naperville.
"There's really no sense in wasting all the landfill space with working resources and that's what these are."
Before any of this can happen, however, businesses and consumers are going to have to change the way they handle obsolete electronic equipment, according to H. Scott Matthews, a benefit/cost analysis professor at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh.
Like any problem, the first step to recovery is to face the problem head on, he said.
"The worst thing you can do is put it under your desk, put it in the attic, put it in a storage room," he said. "It's only going to get less and less valuable."
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The G.I. Bill of Rights for the 21st Century will increase the benefits our men and women in uniform receive today, and will provide long overdue benefits for the veterans and military retirees who have already served our great nation. This legislation essentially modernizes the current G.I. Bill, which has been in place since 1944 and was enacted to honor and assist our veterans of World War II.

For military retirees and the families of those who died in the line of duty, the G.I. Bill of Rights repeals the Disabled Veterans Tax, and puts an end to the unfair Military Families Tax. This bill will also improve the timeliness and accuracy of benefit claims -- veterans with a service-related disability claim have a right to expect timeliness in resolving their appeals, and this is not happening today.

Currently, more than 50,000 veterans are waiting six months or more to receive health care, and that problem will only get worse with the growing numbers of returning soldiers. The G.I. Bill of Rights for the 21st Century will speed up health care access for our veterans by increasing funding for VA health care.

To help our soldiers become a productive part of a prosperous economy and help in recruiting new service members, this bill fully-funds college or job training for those who have served at least four years of active duty. It also provides full access to TRICARE -- the military health program - to National Guard Members, Reservists, and their families for a low fee.

To date, more than 1 million brave men and women in uniform have served in Iraq and Afghanistan. More than 1,500 service personnel have died in the line of duty, and another 12,000 have been wounded. There is no question our National Guard and Reserve personnel have made an unprecedented contribution in the effort - providing nearly half of the troops in Iraq. These new veterans have served our nation with honor and distinction, and now it is time for a grateful nation to honor that service. And there is no better way to honor them for their service than by supporting the G.I. Bill.
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TGIF-Today God Is First

Four Attributes of a Life God Blesses
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Friday, April 15, 2005
by Os Hillman

So this is what the Sovereign Lord says: "See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed." ~ Isaiah 28:16

Whenever God calls us into a consecrated life, it is made up of four distinct stages. Christ often compared this process to building a house. First, we must prepare to build by laying a foundation. That foundation is none other than Jesus Christ Himself. Any foundation other than Christ will not stand.

Second, as we enter a walk of faith with God, He allows each of us to experience trials, testings, miracles, and challenges in life that are designed to provide "faith experiences" that demonstrate tangible evidences of His work in our life: Moses' burning-bush experience, Peter's walk on the water, Joshua's parting of the Jordan River. These experiences built the faith of these people. The depth and width of our calling is directly proportional to the faith experiences He allows in each of our lives. If God plans an international ministry with you, chances are you will experience a higher degree of faith experiences compared to another. The reason being, you will need to look on these to ensure your calling and provide testimony to His work in your life.

The third stage deals with motives. "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord" (Prov. 16:2). What is the motive behind my actions? Is it only financial accumulation? Is it to gain control? Is it to create independence? The primary motive must be God's leading you to take such an action - it must be obedience. These other factors must be by-products of the decision.

Finally, we are prepared to take action. Here we must ask, "Do we have the skill, quality, and ability to enter into this activity?" So often we have not trained ourselves adequately to be successful in our endeavor. You would never want someone working on your teeth who had not been trained and certified as a dentist.

Before you begin your next project, ask yourself these four questions. What is the foundation this project is based on? What experiences has God demonstrated in my life that indicate His involvement? What is my motive for entering this activity? Do I have the skill, quality, and ability to accomplish the task? Answering these questions will tell you whether God will bless your activity.

Copyright 2005. www.MarketplaceLeaders.org
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To contact Os Hillman, request reprint permission, or to book Os to speak in your town write to os@marketplaceleaders.org. Marketplace Leaders Website: http://www.marketplaceleaders.org/ Copyright 2004
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Please recommend this TGIF daily devotional to everyone interested in applying their faith to their worklife. Tell them to subscribe at http://www.TodayGodIsFirst.com

Os Hillman Copyright 2004
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Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. Eph 5:11 - 12 (NASB)
In any given city of size in the world, there are some places you just don’t go, especially at night. The things that happen there are not healthy. Even in our fair city, most of the murders happen in the wee hours of the morning near and around the bars. Sane people who value their lives just don’t go there.

Ephesus was a place filled with places you didn’t want your kids to visit … and you didn’t want anyone to know you visited either. Most of the believers there had been participants in that lifestyle. It was normal. Those places were accepted because they were the places of worship. The Roman Empire was not a pleasant place to live if you were a Christian. As a matter of fact, Christians were so different they were known as a “third race”. The other two races were Jew and gentile (everyone who was non-Jewish). Jews worshiped the One God. Gentiles worshiped many gods, often expressed in sexual perversion. Christians were different. They worshiped the One God, but believed He was experienced in three different personalities: the Father, Jesus the Son , and the Holy Spirit. They honored each other. They did not participate in perversions. They took up collections … not to throw a party, but to help the poor, the orphans, the prisoners. They were looked down upon by both Jews and Romans. They were despised, rejected, persecuted, and killed … just like their Savior, Jesus.

The problem then was the same as the problem now. Some Ephesian believers were trying to live on both sides of the fence at the same time. They desired the pleasures of paganism and the salvation of Christianity. The end result was that they were indistinguishable from the average Ephesian citizen. We want to be known as “good Christian people” and at the same time have all the luxuries of the world. In many ways, we have become indistinguishable from every one else in America.

Paul warned the Ephesians, and he warns us, too, that this cannot be allowed to continue. “Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness …” To the Ephesians, deeds of darkness were obvious. To us, they are hidden in shades of gray, not because the sins are any less dark, but because our nation is filled with “good people” who live “good lives” and often do “good deeds”. Many would still describe us as a Christian nation. And therein lays the problem. “Good people” don’t get into God’s kingdom. “Good deeds” don’t punch our ticket to heaven. Jesus said, “I am the way. No man comes to the Father but by me.” Without a saving relationship with Jesus, the best of men is Hell bound. (I know, that sounds rather harsh and fatalistic, but I didn’t write the rules.)

Paul tells the Ephesians that they must “expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret.” The early believers exposed deeds of darkness, not by preaching on the street corners as much as by living a different kind of life. The Roman emperor Julian said, “Why do we not observe that it is in their benevolence to strangers, their care for the graves of the dead, and the apparent holiness of their lives that they have done most to increase atheism?” “Atheism” here is defined as “Christianity”. What brought the emperor’s attention to Christians as an enemy of Rome? “Their benevolence … their care … the apparent holiness of their lives …” a totally different lifestyle from the typical Roman.

What marks you as “different”? If we were really different, what would the world think of us? How would they react to us? What would happen … if we were really, really different?

Harley
~==~
… walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth), trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord. Eph 5:8b - 10 (NASB)

How do children learn? Do they learn from reading books? Do they learn from listening to lectures? Do they learn from watching educational TV? While these probably have some value (I have to say that since I was an English teacher), most experts agree that children learn from … doing. A person can lecture a child on how to draw Mickey Mouse for hours on end with no results. But, give a child a pencil and paper and a picture to look at and Mickey appears almost magically, though a bit misshapen, before your very eyes!

Show a kid a video about how to ride a bike and the kid looks with interest, but still is unable to ride. Push a kid around on a bike for a few minutes, and before you know it, he is riding around the block. If you want a child to learn Spanish, place him in a neighborhood where Spanish is the spoken language, and he will pick it up in a heartbeat. If you want a child to learn that fire is hot, let him examine a lit candle … under controlled circumstances. Children learn from doing … as my dad used to say, “from the school of hard knocks.”

Likewise, you and I learn to please God. It does not happen by reading a book … even The Book, though that points us in the right direction. We learn to please God by doing … by trying, and failing, and trying again. Absolutely none of us gets it right the first time! I leaned that foul language is not good by using it once. I felt so miserable afterwards that I have seldom repeated the experience. I leaned to be honest by telling lies and getting caught. I vividly remember the last time Dad spanked me.

My brother and I wanted to go fishing with “Uncle Wilburn” and our cousins. We asked Mom who promptly said, “No.” There was no room for discussion there. We dejectedly returned to our cousins’ neighborhood to give the answer. It just so happened that Dad’s carpool drove down that street at exactly that time. We waved him down and asked him if we could go fishing. His affirmative reply gave us great joy, and off we went. We didn’t catch any fish, but we had a good time. It’s a good thing because the reward for our deceptiveness was waiting for us when we returned home. Yes indeed. I learned not to play Mom and Dad against each other. I learned a valuable lesson in “pleasing Dad”.

“How do I know what God’s will is for my life?” I am frequently asked. The Sunday School answer is “by reading the Bible.” Though that answer is true, it really rings hollow. The correct answer is found in trial and error. I answer by suggesting that the inquisitor try to do what he thinks is right. He may fail, but in the process he has found one thing that God does not want him to do. For example, I wanted to be a car mechanic. I watched my dad’s mechanic fix our family vehicle. I saw all of those parts lying on the floor and thought, “That’s what I want to do. I want to fix cars, make them run right, make them run better.” Then I tried to fix Dad’s car. It was just an oil change, but I managed to strip the threads in the drip pan creating a leak. Then I tried to do a few other things … with similar results. Even in Bible college, I tried to fix my own car. It’s funny, in retrospect. I would spend hard earned money for parts and untold hours trying to fix the thing … then I would pay a mechanic hard earned money to buy the same part again and fix it right! I learned that God did not want me to be an auto mechanic. Nor does he want me to be a missionary, an airplane pilot, or an engineer (I hate math and am terrible at it.) I also wanted to be a college professor teaching Old Testament … the only problem was that I couldn’t learn Hebrew. What I have learned is that I am a fairly good writer, and I can use that gift to please God.

So, my beloved friends, keep trying to learn what is pleasing to God. He understands that we learn by doing … and we often fall. Still, He is there to pick us up and help us try again. Eventually we will succeed … and He will smile knowingly and say, “Good job! That is what I always imagined you doing.”

Harley
~==~
Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs. Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals. Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD. Psa 150:4 - 6 (KJV)

This is simply a verse that I am shamelessly using to make an announcement. Verse of the Day will not be published on Wednesdays for the next few weeks. The reason is simple. Melanie and I are taking dance lessons. Yes, you heard right. The big man and his bride will be learning the basic dance steps and trying to gain some rhythm! It sounds impossible that two aged individuals can possibly learn new tricks ... but we are not just going to try; we are going to do it!

So, don't look for a VOD on Wednesday evenings or Thursday if you read a day late. We will be dancing the night away ... and hopefully praising with the dance.

Harley
~==~
Therefore do not be partakers with them; for you were formerly darkness, but now you are Light in the Lord; walk as children of Light (for the fruit of the Light consists in all goodness and righteousness and truth) … Eph 5:7 - 9 (NASB)

Melanie’s Mom and Dad were here for supper tonight. Mom is on a protein diet … you know the type, all meet, no carbs. I fixed her the worlds greatest steak grilled to perfection seasoned with my secret herbs and spices. It was interesting to watch her “not eat carbs”. She freely admitted that baked potatoes were her favorite food, but she didn’t eat any. She did “not eat” one small bite of garlic bread. Her goal is to loose lots of pounds by not eating carbs. Honestly, very few carbs entered her mouth.

Similarly, Paul encourages us not to partake of the empty words offered by the sons of disobedience in yesterday’s verse. Like carbs to a protein dieter, these words are poison to the believer’s soul. Why? They are poison because they are filled with darkness. Their source is darkness. They lead the unsuspecting Christian on a path back into darkness. Do you suspect that Paul thinks “darkness” is a bad thing? Let’s take a quick look at “empty words” in relationship to “darkness”.

Picture it this way. We have all seen pictures of items or people in outer space. A few weeks ago an American and a Russian were outside the International Space Station performing necessary repairs and upgrades. If you saw their pictures and earth was not in them, you would see men in white suits surrounded by pitch black outer space. Do you know why the “sky” is so dark in these photos? The reason is simple. There is no air in outer space. Without air, light has nothing to reflect off of thus the prevailing “black” color. On earth the sky is blue because we do have air. Even on a clear day, the sky is not “empty”. If it were, we could not breathe. And that is why the astronauts wear space suits! Without such garments, they would soon die of asphyxiation … the lack of oxygen.

So it is with empty words. They are black at the core. There is no life in them. Their sole purpose is to destroy … to bring about spiritual asphyxiation … the lack of God’s Spirit dwelling in us. This is why Paul commands us to “walk as children of Light” for we are walking in the newness of life … life in the Spirit … a life without spiritual darkness. It is from this type of life that we have been saved. Now, our life should be filled with goodness, righteousness, and truth for in these the Light of God is reflected and fills us with His love and grace.

What is dwelling in you? Is it goodness? Is it righteousness? Is it truth? It is if you are walking in the Light of the World, Jesus Christ, God’s Son, our Brother and Redeemer!

Harley
~==~
Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Eph 5:6 (NASB)

Melanie has taught me a lot of things … all of them good … all of them meet certain needs or purposes. For instance, she taught me that music sooths the troubled soul. Years ago, I tended to be a bit moody. Melanie learned to read my moods and lift my spirit by playing certain kinds of music on our primitive stereo. She has also taught me that design works best in odd numbers. She never puts two or four flowers in a cluster. It always has to be one or three or five, etc. The reason is balance. Odd numbers of things tend to be more balanced and presentable than even numbers. So, in the nature of threes, let me present to you three things that make for a confident believer who walks firmly in God’s ways.

First, a confident believer knows who he is. With fear of being boringly repetitious, I remind you that we are God’s chosen children. We are thus children of the King making us royalty. We have all the authority of sons of God. You can fill out this list as well as I. When we know who we are, we can walk in confidence. Hank Aaron was a popular baseball player when I was a kid. Hank could walk confidently to the plate knowing he was the best hitter in baseball at the time. He knew he could see the ball better, stroke the bat surer, and hit the ball farther than anyone else playing the game. So it is that we, when we are confident in who we are, can walk boldly in that knowledge.

Second, a confident believer knows what he believes. He knows it, not just in his head, but in his heart. He knows that God is the Author of all life. He knows that Jesus is the Son of God who willingly gave up His life to pay the penalty for his sins. He knows that the Holy Spirit is his guide, confidant, and seal of God’s promises. He knows that God speaks to him through the book we call the Bible. He knows that that Book is filled with the very Words of God. He knows that his sins are forgiven. He knows that salvation is available to all who call upon the Name of Jesus. He knows that what he believes is true and faithful and can walk boldly knowing that what he believes is good for all mankind.

Third, a confident believer has no doubts that he is walking in the paths of God. Oh, he may not fully understand all that is happening to him at the moment, but he knows that God is in control. He knows that He can trust God. He knows this because the Word says it. He knows it because he has witnessed it in other people’s lives. And, he knows it because he has experienced it in his own life. He understands that as a “baby” Christian he was able to trust God to do certain things – and often they were rather selfish things like providing a parking space at the front door of Wal-Mart. In short order, he also learned that he could trust God with larger things like whom he should marry, or how he could solve the complexities of married life and raising children. This personal experience gives him confidence in God with all aspects of his life.

For these three reasons, a maturing man can walk confidently in his life in Christ. So, now Paul tells us to refuse to be deceived, and this we can do because we know who we are; we know what we believe, and we completely trust God to direct our paths. While it is not impossible to be deceived, it certainly will be difficult … what’s more, the man who knows these three things will know that he can always compare any “new” teaching or doctrine against the standard by which all things should be measured … God’s Word.

My friends, continue to grow in God and you will be able to walk confidently in the paths down which Jesus leads you.

Harley
~==~
c. 2005 Harley E. Hudson

If you received Verse of the Day as a forward and you wish to have your own subscription, simply send an e-mail to hhudson719@earthlink.net and request a free subscription.
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Activities and Events of Interest
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Blood Drive - Date Moved to Friday, April 22
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NRA Personal Protection Course - April 22 & 23
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12th ANNUAL ALBEMARLE BASS TOURNAMENT
When: Saturday, May 14, 2005
Where: Lake Columbia ? North Shore Landing
Time: 6:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.

Entry Fee: $30.00 per boat plus $10.00 per team for Big Bass Contest
1st - 50% of entries
2nd - 30% of entries
3rd - 20% of entries
PRIZES TO BE GIVEN IN RANDOM DRAWING
Big Bass Pot 1st - 75% 2nd -25%
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May 20 & 21 - Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off. Tickets and/or Information 800-482-3330. Www.magnoliachamber.com
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The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died April 4, 2005, in Balad Ruz, Iraq, when their patrol was attacked by enemy forces using small arms fire. Killed were:
01. Sgt. 1st Class Stephen C. Kennedy, 35, of Oak Ridge, Tenn. Kennedy was assigned to the Army National Guard's 1st Squadron, 278th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Lenoir City, Tenn.
02. Staff Sgt. Christopher W. Dill, 32, of Tonawanda, N.Y. Dill was assigned to the Army Reserve's 2nd Battalion, 390th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade, 98th Division, Buffalo, N.Y.

03. Staff Sgt. Kevin D. Davis, 41, of Lebanon, Ore., died April 8 in Balad, Iraq, of injuries sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV in Hawijah, Iraq. Davis was assigned to the Army National Guard's G Troop, 82nd Cavalry, Redmond, Ore.

The Department of Defense announced the death of eight Soldiers and the identity of six Soldiers listed as Duty Status Whereabouts Unknown (DUSTWUN) who were supporting Operation Enduring Freedom. The soldiers died or became unaccounted for on April 6 in Ghazni, Afghanistan, when the CH-47 helicopter they were on crashed. Killed were:
04. Maj. Edward J. Murphy, 36, of South Carolina. Murphy was assigned to the U.S. Army Southern European Task Force, Camp Ederle, Italy.
05. Chief Warrant Officer David Ayala, 24, of New York, N.Y. Ayala was assigned to the 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, 12th Aviation Brigade, Giebelstadt, Germany.
06. Chief Warrant Officer Clint J. Prather, 32, of Cheney, Wash. Prather was assigned to the 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, 12th Aviation Brigade, Giebelstadt, Germany.
07. Master Sgt. Edwin A. Matoscolon, 42, of Juana Diaz, P.R. Matoscolon was assigned to Division Artillery, 25th Infantry Division (Light), Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.
08. Staff Sgt. Charles R. Sanders Jr., 29, of Charleston, Mo. Sanders was assigned to the 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, 12th Aviation Brigade, Giebelstadt, Germany.
09. Spc. Daniel J. Freeman, 20, of Cincinnati, Ohio. Freeman was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 508th Infantry Regiment, Camp Ederle, Italy.
10. Spc. Chrystal G. Stout, 23, of Travelers Rest, S.C. Stout was assigned to the Army National Guard's 228th Signal Brigade, Spartanburg, S.C.
11. Pfc. Pendelton L. Sykes II, 25, of Chesapeake, Va. Sykes was assigned to the 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, 12th Aviation Brigade, Giebelstadt, Germany.
Reported as DUSTWUN are:
12. Capt. David S. Connolly, 37, of Boston, Mass. Connolly is assigned to the Army Reserve’s 1173rd Transportation Terminal Battalion, Brockton, Mass.
13. Sgt. Maj. Barbaralien Banks, 41, of Harvey, La. Banks is assigned to Division Artillery, 25th Infantry Division (Light), Schofield Barracks, Hawaii.
14. Staff Sgt. Romanes L. Woodard, 30, of Hertford, N.C. Woodard is assigned to the 1st Battalion, 508th Infantry Regiment, Camp Ederle, Italy.
15. Sgt. Stephen C. High, 45, of Spartanburg, S.C. High is assigned to the Army National Guard's 228th Signal Brigade, Spartanburg, S.C.
16. Spc. Michael K. Spivey, 21, of Fayetteville, N.C. Spivey is assigned to the 5th Battalion, 159th Aviation Regiment, 12th Aviation Brigade, Giebelstadt, Germany.
17. Spc. Sascha Struble, 20, of Philadelphia, N.Y. Struble is assigned to the 1st Battalion, 508th Infantry Regiment, Camp Ederle, Italy.

18. Sgt. James S. Lee, 26, of Mt. Vernon, Ind., died April 6 in Ghazni, Afghanistan, when the Army CH-47 helicopter he was on crashed. He was assigned to Marine Fighter Attack Squadron 142, Marine Aircraft Group 42, 4th Marine Aircraft Wing, Marietta, Ga. As part of Operation Enduring Freedom he was attached to Marine Light Attack Helicopter Squadron 773, Marine Aircraft Group 42, 4th Marine Aircraft Wing.

19. Specialist Casey M. LaWare, 19, of Redding, Calif., died April 9 at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany, from non-combat related injuries sustained April 6 in Al Mahmudiyah, Iraq. LaWare was assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, Calif.

20. Spc. John W. Miller, 21, of West Burlington, Iowa, died April 12 in Camp Ramadi, Iraq, of injuries received from enemy small arms fire while on route clearance operations in Ar Ramadi, Iraq. Miller was assigned to the Army National Guard's 224th Engineer Battalion, Burlington, Iowa.

21. Spc. Manuel Lopez III, 20, of Cape Coral, Fla., died April 12 in Baghdad, Iraq, when his HMMWV was struck by a rocket-propelled grenade. Lopez was assigned to the 3rd Battalion, 7th Infantry Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.

WWII Missing in Action Serviceman Identified
The Department of Defense POW/Missing Personnel Office (DPMO) announced that the remains of an Army Air Forces crewman have been identified and are being returned to his family for burial with military honors.

Staff Sgt. Robert W. McKee of Garvey, Calif., will be buried in Arlington National Cemetery April 12.

On Dec. 17, 1944, McKee was an aerial gunner on an 11-member crew of a B-24L Liberator that took off from Pantanella, Italy, on a mission to bomb enemy targets near Blechhammer, Germany. The aircraft crashed over Hungary, near the small towns of Böhönye and Felsosegesd, with the loss of two crewmen including McKee. The other nine were able to safely parachute from the aircraft. Following the war, the remains of the other unaccounted-for crewman were found in a cemetery in Felsosegesd.

Following the war, remains from an American aircraft crash near Vienna, Austria, were found buried with McKee’s military identification tag. But the remains were identified as those of another flyer. Further analysis revealed that McKee had flown on the same plane and had lost his identification tag, most likely on that aircraft.

In 1992 an undertaker recovered remains believed to be those of an American in the Böhönye, Hungary, cemetery but they could not be associated with a specific incident. DPMO analysts obtained information from a Hungarian researcher which indicated that the remains might be associated with McKee’s loss. Aerial gunner’s wings were found in the grave, as well as other items worn by U.S. bomber crews in 1944.

Scientists of the Joint POW/MIA Accounting Command and the Armed Forces DNA Identification Laboratory used a number of forensic tools including mitochondrial DNA to confirm McKee’s identity, matching his DNA with that of two known maternal relatives.

Of the 88,000 Americans missing from all conflicts, 78,000 are from World War II.
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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.
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Please remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families.
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Scheduled Activities
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Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m. Monday - Friday. At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m. Sunday at 914 N. Vine
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Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m. Union Street Station. And YOU'RE invited. Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
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Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital
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"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!
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MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm
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MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am
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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm
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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
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MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m
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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m
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MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second. Call 234-3225 for reservations.
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MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
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MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program. For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.
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Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
~~~
Narcotics Anonymous 5-6 pm every Monday at 220 Pine street.
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TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) 5 pm every Tuesday in the Magnolia Hospital break room.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee
"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
"Information is the currency of democracy." - Jefferson
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - - Margaret Mead
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
1 Tim 6:12-14 Rev 21:2-4 Jer 18:5-8 Col 1:13-17 Psa 30:4,5,11,12
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

P. S. If you'd like to be added to the distribution, just drop us E-mail at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com. We offer "Da Bleat" as text, a "Blog" and as a newsletter with pictures in Word and PDF format. For the "Blog" version just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com/ to see the latest issue. This week, "Word" and "PDF" subscribers get to see photos of our Small Group, “Faith Builders” cookout.
Let us hear from you if we can switch you over to the "Word" or "PDF" version of "Da Bleat". If you'd prefer to read "Da Blog" version, just drop us a note at KC5HII@Magnolia-Net.Com and we'll switch you from e:mail delivery to "Da Bleat" Blog. Of course "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com to see the latest issue (usually updated sometime Friday evening or Saturday morning. We appreciate your encouragement. We also appreciate your communication when you desire to be taken off our mail list. If you are on this mail list by mistake or do not wish to receive "Da Bleat," please reply back and tell us to discontinue service to you. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.

Bug's Bleat 3Q 05

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Friday, April 15, 2005

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