GCF: How Mothers Were Created

Volume 7, Issue 18

Hello ALL,

David and Bobbie gave us a GREAT Anniversary party last Saturday. They boiled over 50 lbs of Cousin Henry Lee’s Crawfish for us and friends to feast on. Frank and Stacy, Jeremy and Jill as well as Verna and lots of kids had a great time.
In addition to the HUGE Crawfish, David cooked corn, potatoes and sausage. Bobbie rounded out the meal with some great yeast rolls.
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Zackary James McClellan was 5-year-old Thursday. He arrived at 1:42 a.m. on Fri, 05 May 2000 at Magnolia Hospital. He weighed 8 lbs, 5 ozs. And was 20" long. ZJ's birth was handled in typical McClellan fashion. His mom, Bobbie and dad, David spent most of the day Thursday at the hospital having some tests run. Everything looked great and Dr. Alexander (John Ed) told them to come back in at 6:30 p.m. to see how things were going.
That evening, the Dr. told them that the baby would probably be born Friday morning (as in 6 or 7 am) and had Bobbie stay at the Hospital.
We (Annette, Dusty, Bobbie's parents and I) all went home.
Shortly after 1:30 a.m., Bobbie had a BIG contraction and told David to call the nurse. When the nurse got there, she saw that Bobbie was delivering and left to call the Doctor. After the nurse left, Bobbie had another contraction and David ran to the door to call the nurse back. Seconds later, when the nurse arrived back in the room; ZJ was lying on the bed.
David asked the Dr. for a rebate. For services not rendered.
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Sunday is Mother’s Day in the United States. So, I thought that it might be prudent to share the history of that day. -Tom
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GCF: History of Mother's Day

Contrary to popular belief, Mother's Day was not conceived in the boardroom of greeting card companies. The earliest tributes to mothers date back to the annual spring festival the Greeks dedicated to Rhea, the mother of many deities, and to the offerings ancient Romans made to their Great Mother of Gods, Cybele. Christians celebrated this festival on the fourth Sunday in Lent in honor of Mary, mother of Christ. In England this holiday was expanded to include all mothers and was called Mothering Sunday.

In the United States, Mother's Day started nearly 150 years ago, when Anna Marie Reeves Jarvis, an Appalachian homemaker, organized a day to raise awareness of poor health conditions in her community, a cause she believed would be best advocated by mothers. She called it "Mother's Work Day."

In 1905 when Anna Marie Reeves Jarvis died, her daughter, also named Anna, began a campaign to memorialize the life work of her mother. Legend has it that young Anna remembered a Sunday school lesson that her mother gave in which she said, "I hope and pray that someone, sometime, will found a memorial mother's day. There are many days for men, but none for mothers."

The memorial we now know as Mother's Day was founded by Miss Anna Jarvis in tribute to her mother. The first fully organized Mother's Day program was held at the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton, Taylor County, West Virginia, on May 10, 1908. The honored mother had already laid the foundation for such a day in the last fifty years of her life.

On May 10, 1908, the third anniversary of Mrs. Jarvis' death, fully-prepared programs were held at the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church in Grafton and in Philadelphia, launching the observance of a general memorial day for all mothers. The Grafton service was planned and prepared by Miss Jarvis. She sent a telegram, read by Mr. L. L. Loar, which defined the purpose of the day:

"...To revive the dormant filial love and gratitude we owe to those who gave us birth. To be a home tie for the absent. To obliterate family estrangement. To create a bond of brotherhood through the wearing of a floral badge. To make us better children by getting us closer to the hearts of our good mothers. To brighten the lives of good mothers. To have them know we appreciate them, though we do not show it as often as we ought...

This day is intended that we may make new resolutions for a more active thought to our dear mothers. By words, gifts, acts of affection, and in every way possible, give her pleasure, and make her heart glad every day, and constantly keep in memory Mother's Day; when you made this resolution, lest you forget and neglect your dear mother, if absent from home write her often, tell her of a few of her noble good qualities and how you love her."

On the occasion of the first official Mother's Day service on May 10, 1908, Miss Anna Jarvis sent 500 white carnations, chosen by herself, to the Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church, in Grafton, West Virginia. In a telegram to the congregation, Miss Jarvis stated that:

"...Each one present will be given a white carnation; mothers will be given two, in memory of the day.

These five hundred carnations are given by a loyal, loving daughter in honor and sacred memory of her good and faithful mother, Mrs. Ann M. Jarvis, who worked faithfully and earnestly for twenty long years, as an earnest teacher in our Sunday School, who only a few years ago departed to that better world to reap the reward of her labors here.

Every one is asked to wear this flower.

The white carnation is preferred because it may be thought to typify some of the virtues of motherhood; whiteness stands for purity; its lasting qualities, faithfulness; its fragrance, love; its wide field of growth, charity; its form, beauty..."

The following year she sent 700 carnations for the same purpose, and over the years, sent over 10,000 carnations as personal gifts to the Andrews Church. Carnations - red for living and white for deceased - are now worn worldwide as emblems of the purity, strength and endurance of motherhood.

The first Mother's Day proclamation was issued by Governor William E. Glasscock of West Virginia on April 26, 1910. In May 1914, Representative Heflin of Alabama and Senator Sheppard of Texas introduced a joint resolution, at the request of Miss Jarvis, naming the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day, and the resolution was passed in both Houses. President Woodrow Wilson approved it, and William Jennings Bryan, Secretary of State, proclaimed it. In the President's proclamation which followed, he ordered that the flag be displayed on all government buildings in the U.S. and foreign possessions. Later Mr. Heflin, co-author of the resolution said: "The flag was never used in a more beautiful and sacred cause than when flying above that tender, gentle army, the mothers of America."
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The second Sunday of May has become the most popular day of the year to dine out in the United States. Telephone lines record their highest traffic, as sons and daughters everywhere take advantage of this day to honor and to express appreciation of their mothers.
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Speaking of Moms, we received this birth announcement Wednesday from Norma Rowe.
Marley Jean Ford Has Arrived!!!
Marley made a grand entrance this morning around 9:45 am. She weighed 11 ½ lbs and is 22 ½ inches long!!! Yes!! I said 11 ½ lbs!!! She has long jet-black curly hair and is beautiful and healthy.
Thanks to all of you how prayed for mom and baby!! Proud grandparents are: Mike and Norma Rowe, Mike and Martha Ford, James and Barbara Rotton. Oh! I guess I should mention the proud parents and big sister! They are: Jim, Jennifer and Emily Ford.
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Speaking of joyous news, here are some of my favorite puns.
~
SMILEAWHILE [Justin & Christian]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean swam two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally, one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn. I wish I was a shark -- then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Justin found himself bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, your old friend Justin. Come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way, man. You'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy. I will not be tricked."

Justin cried back, "No, I'm not! That was the old me. I've changed! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"
~
[Dolphins & Lions]

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a diet of baby seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.
On the way back, he spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he gingerly stepped over him.
Immediately, he was confronted by two FBI agents and arrested.
The charge: Violation of the Mann Act: transporting young gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises.
~
Many people are unaware that Frank Sinatra was an ecologist. He found out that the herds of animals in Africa were being forced off their native lands into game reserves where they were more apt to be eaten by their natural enemies due to the crowded conditions.

These animals would congregate around lakes and other bodies of water, but had nowhere to run if they were attacked by their foes. This resulted in abnormal losses in the herds.

Frank, upon finding out about this, donated a LOT of money to trying to find out where there may be some open land to put the animals so they wouldn't be so crowded. Frank's idea was to go to the watering holes and load the animals on large barges and take them to other lands and then set them free.

In order to accomplish this, he had to finance his work through a best-selling song about it. We've all heard the song before. It starts out "Start spreading the Gnus..." The title of the song was, of course, "New Ark, New Ark."
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A friend of mine, Terry Stockdale has started a blog he calls “The Next Window”
Terry describes it as Rambling thoughts on this and that...
It’s much more than that. Here’s a topic from this week;
Firefox tops 50 Million Downloads - Congratulations to the Mozilla Foundation and all the people contributing their efforts to make the Firefox web browser a success! Version 1.0 was released in early November. Last Friday morning, Firefox topped 50,000,000 downloads. ...
http://www.thenextwindow.com/
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Thursday, we were treated to Breakfast by Judge John Blair and his lovely bride Marji. I sat with them at the National Day of Prayer celebration.
The company, food and music was great but the highlight of the morning was testimonies by our own Delta Diamondbacks who’ve recently returned from Iraq.
These soldiers shared how God sustained them through severe injury and, in one case, death and recovery.
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Barry Brownlee was nice enough to find this explanation for us. I asked him if he knew why some people thought hanging zip lock bags of water outside their homes would repel flies. (I was walking through the lab and noticed a device with a HUGE zip lock type bag of water hanging in it. Naturally, I commented that there would never be any flies in the lab.)

Repelling Flies
By Richard Fagerlund
Scripps Howard News Service

Q: Short of making my house airtight, how can I keep flies out using non-toxic methods? - A.R.

A: It is not known why or how this works, but it is worth a try: You can tape sandwich-size zip-top bags half filled with water to your doors. These water bags will repel flies.

Perhaps the reflections in the water make a difference, somehow scaring or confusing the flies. Entomologists know that flies are phototropic, meaning they are attracted to light, but they don't know why these water bags repel flies.

"I have no earthly idea," an entomologist from Iowa State University replied when I asked him how well and how this works. But if it works as well as some say, you could see water bags taped to doors all over--houses, horse barns, livestock yards and poultry houses ... just about any structure that gets flies.

If you want to try this, here are some guidelines:

Use a sandwich-sized zip-top bag. Fill it about half-full with water. If it's completely full, then it doesn't move and movement is said to be important by those who swear by this method. Zip the bag closed and tape the top of the bag to the outside of your door. Replenish the water as needed; there will be some evaporation.

You may get some questions as to why you have little bags of water taped to your door. Here are some explanations you can use:

* It attracts flies
* It scares flies
* If it freezes we know it's cold outside
* If it's boiling we know it's hot outside
* To see if anyone is paying attention
* I don't know, ask the Bugman. This is his idea.

If you do try this I would be very interested in the results, as would the rest of the readers who may not be inclined to tape water-filled baggies to their doors.

(Send questions for Richard Fagerlund to University of New Mexico Environmental Services, Physical Plant Department, 1818 Camino del Servicio N.E., Albuquerque, NM 87131-3500 or E-mail: fagerlun@unm.edu .)
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There will be a meeting of the Columbia County Fire Fighter's Association, 7:00 pm Thursday, May 12, 2005 at the Columbia County Ambulance Service.
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You are cordially invited to a reception honoring Rachel Nix for her new position. - Arkansas Fire Academy - Monday, May 9, 2005 2:00 p.m. - 4:00 p.m.
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Want to be a Weather Spotter for NOAA? Online training here:
(IE) http://www.srh.noaa.gov/shv/spotter2004ie.htm
(netscape): http://www.srh.noaa.gov/shv/spotternetscape.htm
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Do NIMS online. Several have taken the course using dial-up and the course takes about 2.5 hours. http://lstrng1.fema.gov/LearningSpace5/Program/UI/Main/Themes/Kendall/Main.asp
NIMS:http://training.fema.gov/emiweb/IS/is700.asp Who needs to take NIMS? http://www.fema.gov/txt/nims/nims_is700.txt
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On May 6, 1937, the hydrogen-filled German dirigible Hindenburg burned and crashed in Lakehurst, N.J., killing 35 of the 97 people on board and a Navy crewman on the ground.
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Buddy Atkinson of Magnolia was laid to rest Wednesday. Newspaper reports cited Methyl Bromide as the substance that caused his death and several illnesses at Great Lakes Chemical.
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Wednesday was the 35th anniversary of the tragic shootings at Kent State University, May 4, 1970. This event from my youth had a great impact on society at the time.
Now, only us "old timers" even know about the event and few of us have any real idea of what happened. The learning channel had a good presentation on the event last night. Their offering included interviews with professors, students, national guardsmen and parents of the victims. Their program concluded with most of the participants relating how the average American was coldly unsympathetic to the victims.
As far as I know, the Kent State Memorial march (held on May 6, 1970) was the only formal antiwar protest ever held at Southern State College. Primarily because the student body was overwhelmingly conservative.
We were able to conduct the march because of the public's shock that some of the student's killed hadn't even been protesters and because the President of SSC was out of town. In his stead, the dean agreed to a silent memorial march.
The theme was "Americans Kill Americans. Why?" We invited the participation of any and everyone on campus.
Before the march, news of even this mild form of protest threatened to explode into open hostility between the "Hippies" and "Red necks" on campus. We worked hard to try to defuse any and all disagreements.
Then, the day of the march, I and several others served as "Marshals" to escort the participants around the campus. Our job was to enforce the silence and to protect the marchers from any hecklers (there were none if you don't count hand language).
It wasn't the mother of all protest marches. It wasn't even covered by any news media except the campus newspaper. However, it was our way of saying that the violence had to stop. Violent protests and violent suppression of same weren't getting the US anywhere.
I personally felt that the national guard members at Kent state had been sent into an impossible situation with insufficient training and poor leadership. How else could we explain the guard firing into a crowd of protesters that was armed only with rocks and other campus debris. It seemed a tragedy for the families of the victims, the guardsmen and the nation.
Looking back now. I'm surprised that it didn't happen more often.
People tend to lose control when they get in a crowd, no matter which side of an issue they're on.
After I went to work for "The Bray" SSC's newspaper, I printed copies of the paper's photos of the march and still have them. A couple of years ago, when the Banner News asked for photos of Columbia County history, Annette sent them some of the Kent State Memorial March pictures. They printed one in the county history book under the title "SSC students walk to class."
Oh well. At least some of us old timers will know what was really going on in that photo.
~~~~~
www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel
Current Avg. $2.20 $2.34 $2.43 $2.33
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
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Recipe of the week; The Lady's Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe courtesy Paula Deen
Show: Paula's Home Cooking Episode: Cozy Country Cooking


Recipe Summary
Prep Time: 25 minutes
Cook Time: 1 hour
Yield: 8 to 10 servings


Stock:
1 (2 ½ to 3-pound) fryer chicken, cut up
3-½ quarts water
1 onion, peeled and diced
1 ½ to 2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
1-teaspoon lemon-pepper seasoning
3 cloves garlic, minced
4 bay leaves
3 chicken bouillon cubes
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper


Soup:
2 cups sliced carrots
2 cups sliced celery, with leafy green tops
2 ½ cups uncooked egg noodles
1 cup sliced mushrooms
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley leaves
1/3 cup cooking sherry
2 teaspoons chopped fresh rosemary leaves
1 cup grated Parmesan, optional
3/4-cup heavy cream, optional
Seasoning salt
Freshly ground black pepper
Crusty French bread, for serving

For the stock: add all ingredients to a soup pot. Cook until chicken is tender, about 35 to 45 minutes. Remove chicken from pot and set aside to cool. Remove and discard bay leaves and onion. You should have approximately 3 quarts of stock. When chicken is cool enough to touch, pick bones clean, discarding bones, skin, and cartilage. Set chicken aside.
For the soup: bring stock back to a boil, add carrots, and cook for 3 minutes. Add celery and continue to cook for 5 to 10 minutes. Add egg noodles and cook according to directions on package. When noodles are done, add chicken, mushrooms, parsley, sherry and rosemary. Add Parmesan and cream, if using. Cook for another 2 minutes. Adjust seasoning, if needed, by adding seasoning salt and pepper. Enjoy along with a nice hot crusty loaf of French bread.

http://www.foodtv.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_30469,00.html
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The MCC sound system is really “Singing” since Claiborne and John installed three choir mikes and cleaned up our wiring and soundboard organization.
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BREAKPOINT Commentaries
by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship

A Mother's Courage
Choosing to Give the Gift of Life
May 6, 2005
Note: This commentary was delivered by Prison Fellowship President Mark Earley.

One of the most devastating things any parent can hear is that their child probably will not survive past birth. But that’s the news Susan and Saqib Ali received when they were expecting their first child. Their unborn daughter, Leila, was diagnosed with a brain condition called holoprosencephaly, or HPE. Most children with this condition die in the womb; those who survive birth usually die before they reach six months. And the condition causes severe physical and mental problems. According to the Washington Post Magazine, the number of HPE patients who live to adulthood “is so tiny that researchers don’t even track it.”

And as if that weren’t bad enough, some doctors believed the pregnancy could even endanger Susan’s health.

The Post chronicled Susan and Saqib’s agonizing decision-making process in detail. From the beginning, Susan was determined to carry Leila to term, no matter her chances. “I always felt that Leila was a real person and she deserved as much chance at life as anybody else does,” Susan now says. “I understand how her care would have been extremely daunting, but she would have been worth it.”

But Saqib was afraid for his wife’s life and overwhelmed by the seriousness of Leila’s handicaps. In his mind, the decision they had to make was “like choosing whether to put a gun to Leila’s head or a gun to both of [their] heads.” He begged Susan again and again to end the pregnancy.

But Susan wouldn’t give in. She told a reporter, “Saqib thinks I am purposely putting my head in the sand. . . . But all I am thinking is: ‘My baby is sick. My baby is sick.’” Even when her pastor told her that abortion would be justified under the circumstances, Susan would not back down.

What the Alis went through is a sad commentary on what an abortion-on-demand culture has done to our society and our relationships. Although he eventually agreed with Susan’s wishes, Saqib Ali felt that the whole experience was “disempowering” for him, because his wife insisted on making a decision that would change both their lives, a decision that might have even put her own life at risk. But Susan was focused on her child, saying, “She doesn’t have a voice. I have to be the voice for her.”

Tragically, Leila lived only an hour or so after birth. Her mother and father gave her all the love they could during that brief time. They still cherish those memories. That experience is typical, according to HPE researcher Nancy Clegg, who says, “I have never had a parent tell me they regretted seeing their sick baby, holding her, telling her how much they love her and want to be with her.”

Saqib Ali has said that he doesn’t want his daughter’s life used as “a political football,” and I certainly respect that. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But I do want to honor the courage of Susan Ali and her commitment to letting her daughter live. In a world that increasingly treats human beings as disposable, she helped us see once again the value of even the weakest life.
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For further reading and information:

Today’s BreakPoint offer: The Cost of ‘Choice’: Women Evaluate the Impact of Abortion by Erika Bachiochi, ed.

Reshma Memon Yaqub, “ Hard Labor ,” WashingtonPost Magazine, 10 April 2005 , W08.

“The Choice ,” transcript of an online chat with Susan and Saqib Ali , WashingtonPost, 11 April 2005 .

The Alis have started an organization, Help Your Friends in Need , “to raise awareness of congenital brain defects and to help those coping with mental disabilities on a daily basis.”

Maggie Gallagher, “ Looking Baby Rowan in the Face ,” Yahoo! News, 4 May 2005 .

Gina Dalfonzo, “ No Choice: Abortion and Our Priorities ,” BreakPoint Online, 25 July 2002 .

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050119, “ Destroying Abortion Myths: The Cost of ‘Choice’.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 041004, “ Are We This Pro-Life?: Parenting Special-Needs Children .”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050405, “ The Aftermath: Lessons from Terri Schiavo’s Life and Death .”

Peter Kreeft, Three Approaches to Abortion (Ignatius, 2002).

Copyright 2005 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.
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This week we share excerpts from “Da Bleat” of Friday, May 05, 2000.
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We’re always looking for stories as well as jokes and other contributions. Don’t hesitate to share any offerings with us.
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Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleatnew.blogspot.com
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Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
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Words of the Week:
intransigent: uncompromising.
palindrome: a word, verse, phrase, or sentence that reads the same backward or forward.
supplicate: to make a humble and earnest petition.
labile: open to change; apt or likely to change.
traduce: to vilify.
claque: a group of fawning admirers.
frisson: a brief moment of intense excitement.
from Dictionary.Com
~~~~~
Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Saturday, May 14 and Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm daily. Go to Barksdaleairshow.org for details.
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"Only a mediocre person is always at his best." - W. Somerset Maugham

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas Edison

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity." - George S. Patton Jr

"Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity." - Lao Tzu

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." - Henri Matisse

"The most perfect technique is that which is not noticed at all." - Pablo Casals

"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone." - John Ciardi

"Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people." - William Butler Yeats

"Once in seven years I burn all my sermons; for it is a shame if I cannot write better sermons now than I did seven years ago." - John Wesley
~~~~~
In America today, 45 million people are uninsured and 8.4 million of those are children. There are 465,000 people without health insurance in Arkansas alone. Contrary to popular belief, many of those uninsured are hard working citizens who work for small businesses that simply cannot afford the high price of health insurance. This is unacceptable and America can do better.

This week, three bills were introduced to Congress which I co-sponsored, and if implemented, will reduce the number of the uninsured by 23 million people. Each bill targets the three fastest growing segments of the uninsured population: small business employees, low-income working parents, and those nearing Medicare age.

The Small Business Health Insurance Promotion Act would create a 50 percent tax credit to help small businesses and the self-employed with the costs of health coverage. The FamilyCare Act builds on the success of the State Children's Health Insurance Program and Medicaid in insuring children by extending coverage to their low-income working parents. Working parents often are employed at organizations that do not offer a health insurance benefit. The Medicare Early Access Act would allow people between ages 55 and 64 to purchase Medicare; this would directly impact the 3.5 million uninsured Americans who are 55 and over but not yet eligible for Medicare.

Finally, we must fight to keep Medicaid well funded. This program is the final safety net before 51 million Americans and 700,000 Arkansans on Medicaid join the ranks of the uninsured. There has been great concern during the Fiscal Year 2006 Appropriations Process that the Medicaid program will be subject to large funding cuts. We cannot allow this to happen.

The health insurance crisis in America continues to grow and will not disappear unless Congress takes action. In the last five years alone, the number of uninsured Americans has increased by 5.2 million people. We must move forward in a bipartisan manner to provide affordable, quality health care coverage to small business employees, low-income working parents, and those nearing Medicare age. As your United States Congressman, I assure you this is a top priority as I continue to represent you in the United States House of Representatives.

Sincerely,
Mike Ross

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GCF: How Mothers Were Created

Emailed to me by friends (Thanks, Kit/Barney) -Tom

This originally appeared in a newspaper column by Erma Bombeck.
She was a well-known humorist and author.
She died April 22, 1996 in San Francisco, California.

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
---------------------------------

(Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor of Mother's Day in the United States and to mothers everywhere.)

When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specification on this order?"

"She has to be completely washable but not plastic;"

"Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable;"

"Run on black coffee and leftovers;"

"Have a lap the disappears when she stands up;"

"A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair;"

"And 6 pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "6 pairs of hands....no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me the problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have."

"That's in the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when he goofs and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."

"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "come to bed. Tomorrow ..."

"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick ... can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9 yr. old to stand under a shower."

The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.

"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this Mother can do or endure."

"Can it think?"

"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.

Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I said you were trying to put too much into this model."

"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."

"What's it for?"

"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."

"You are a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: Mom and Computers

Emailed to me by a friend list (Thanks, Donald) -Tom
---------------------------------

All I know about computers I learned from my mom:

For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.

Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes."

Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon."

Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair.

Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations.

Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle.

Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.

There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.

Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: Mom's Definitions (Part 2)

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
---------------------------------

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: Mom's Definitions (Part 1)

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
---------------------------------

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See” WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends"
_ ____________________________ _
GCF: At the Movies

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
---------------------------------

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down and gave my girlfriend a kiss.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
_ ____________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Look out for #1. \ /
\ _/ Don't step in #2 either. \_ /
/ / \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Help Wanted: Telepath. \ /
\ _/ You know where to apply. \_ /
/ / \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Time may be a great healer, \ /
\ _/ but it's also \_ /
/ / a lousy beautician. \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / The speed of time is \ /
\ _/ one-second per second. \_ /
/ / \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Asking dumb questions is easier \ /
\ _/ than correcting dumb mistakes. \_ /
/ / \ / / \ _ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( / / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ _( (_ | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor | _) )_
_( (_ | *** Good Clean Fun *** | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/
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[GCFL.net] Mothers

/* In case you haven't picked up on the clue yet, Sunday is Mother's Day (in the US anyway). Don't forget about your dear mom! :) */

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.

Received from Freida Jones.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] A Gift For Mother

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Received from Tim and Tanya Monahan.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Unusual Hair Cut

A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.

The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."

The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.

"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"

Received from Judy Dodds.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Boeing Museum of Flight

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"

Received from Scott Quilici.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] 45-foot Putt

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!

Received from Bob Savage.
-=+=-
– NEW! Go to http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20050124 to rate this funny from 0 to 5.
-=+=-
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Subject: Kindergarten Proverbs
From: "Kendricks"

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than..........................
punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the..................................
bug is close.
It's always darkest before.....................
Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of.........
termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.........
how?
Don't bite the hand that.........................
looks dirty.
No news is..........................................
impossible.
A miss is as good as a.........................
Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new............
math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.............
stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......................................
me.
The pen is mightier than the..................
pigs.
An idle mind is.....................................
the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................
pollution.
Happy the bride who............................
gets all the presents.
A penny saved is..................................
not much.
Two's company, three's........................
the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what..............
you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......
you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as............................
Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not...........
spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...................
get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.......
see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind...........
get out of the way.
And the favorite...

Better late than...................................
pregnant.
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SMILEAWHILE [Mass for a Dog]

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet
dog he doted on. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you Please say a mass
for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in
the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling
what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to
donate for their services?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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[GCFL] Dog Haiku

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.

The cat is not all
Bad --she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.

Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Received from Candy Lind.
-=+=-
[GCFL] Minnesota Bumper Stickers

* Are those goose bumps or mosquito bites?

* Minnesota - where bottled water comes in cubes

* Visit Minnesota (weather permitting)

* Minnesota - Home of the bald ego

* Go Twins Go - and take the Vikequeens with you

* Minnesota: At least we're not one of them square states

* Minnesota: Summer falls on a Thursday this year.

* Minnesota: We're not nice, We're numb.

* Welcome to Minnesota! Caution: Some potholes contain fishermen.

Received from Justin H McCoy.
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Nice cheeks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Received from Best of Humor (http://www.bestofhumor.com/).
-=+=-
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LAL! 05/02/00 - Moving Service
This Week's theme: CHURCH BLOOPERS!

Death: God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

~~~ And to the earth you return... ~~~

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave side committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because sadly, the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but lost his way on the long back roads. After backtracking many miles, he finally arrived, a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a near-by tree, eating their lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, one of the workmen paused between bites and said, "Maybe we should have told him that's a septic tank."

- As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com
_ ______________________________ _
LAL! 05/01/00 - Observant Kids
This Week's theme: CHURCH BLOOPERS!

~~~ Do Not Disturb! ~~~

A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

~~~ Keep Praying! ~~~

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his menages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
_ ______________________________ _
LAL! 05/03/00 - True Taxes
This Week's theme: CHURCH BLOOPERS!

"The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes..." - Dave Barry

~~~ Accuracy is Everything ~~~

When Pastor Ovall picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.

"Hello, Pastor Ovall?"

"Yes, this is."

"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"

"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"

"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church? Is it true?"

"Well, I'll have to have my bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"

"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me if that's true?"

There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied Pastor Ovall, "Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."

- As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com
_ ______________________________ _
LAL! 05/04/00 - Flying Sermons
This Week's theme: CHURCH BLOOPERS!

~~~ Well, hush my mouth! ~~~

The pastor's wife is often his best friend... or severest critic.
Realizing that her pastor husband did not have a good feeling about the sermon he had just delivered a few moments earlier, she asked, "So Honey, how do you feel about the service today?"

"It was a good worship service," he responded in a somber tone, "the sermon just never got off the ground."

Before she could stop the words from coming out of her mouth, she replied, "well, it sure taxied long enough!"

- As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com

Send new church jokes to: church@laughalot.com
Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member Roger D. for today's joke.
_ ______________________________ _
Subject: LAL! 05/05/00 - Naughty Words
This Week's theme: CHURCH BLOOPERS!

Just a word about computer viruses being sent around by email: NEVER open an attached file to an email, unless you know who sent it to you AND WHY. People who I know, and who I don't, send me attachments all the time, and I never open them (unless I know exactly what it is.) Guess what - I've never gotten a virus! To those who's computers were disabled in the recent virus spread, I feel your pain! ...Live and learn! Now, laugh:

~~~ Well, hush my mouth, Part II ~~~

One Sunday in church, the Bishop's daughter got up to speak. After giving thanks to all of her relatives, saying how much she loves the church, her parents, dog and everything in her life... she finally ended her testimony by saying, "and our house has become a lot nicer now that we have stopped saying the 's-word' and the 'f-word.'"

The congregation sucked in half the air in the room, (almost pulling the man by the door off his feet.) 250 shocked faces turned towards the bishop, who with an embarrassed smirk on his face walked up to the microphone.

"What she means," he said quickly, "is that we are not allowed to say 'Shut-up' or 'fart' in our house."

- As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com
Based on a true story!
Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member Kristalynn H. for today's joke.
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Subject: GCF: The Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered but the waiter's thumb is resting on the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "You bring my food with your hand on my steak?"

"What," answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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\ / A boomerang that doesn't \ /
\ _/ come back is a stick. \_ /
/ / \ _ ______________________________ _
Subject: GCF: After Church

After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / You know you're \ /
\ _/ getting old if ... \_ /
/ / You join a health club and don't go. \ _ ______________________________ _
Subject: GCF: The Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own, forming her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so clients kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
_ ______________________________ _
(((\ \>|_/ )__________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Dew knot trussed \ /
\ _/ yore spell chequer \_ /
/ / two fined awl mistakes! \
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Thanks to Bobbie McClellan
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Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website.
Today's Clean Laugh

Ahh, Tourists

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide,

"Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?"

"The glaciers brought them down," said the guide.

"But where are the glaciers?" The lady asked.

"The glaciers," said the guide in a weary voice, "have gone back for more rocks."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Centipede Snack

A guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a restaurant to have a meal.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a bite to eat?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out and having a snack with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time - this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,he said, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go get some food with me?

A tiny little voice came out of the box:...............

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Foreign Encounter

I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Musings

* A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station...

* I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.

* Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Wedding Vows

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have

the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Modified Pledge"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=34

"Mouse Liberation"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=31

"Dog Surprise"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=32

"Pet Shock"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=35

"Last Page"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=36

Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2004 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/traveling_baggage_humor.html - - Traveling Baggage "Vacation travel. A time to relax, mellow out, let loose and forget your cares. To indulge yourself, boogie till dawn, gorge on gourmet fare. To spend an entire day shopping for a "must have" item you forgot to pack...
http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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Exploratorium: Origins - - http://www.exploratorium.edu/origins/index.html - - Explore the extraordinary places, people, tools, and ideas behind the search for the origins of matter, the universe, and life itself.
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"Intel, AT&T and other corporate giants are throwing their weight behind a new wireless Internet service powerful enough to send a signal more than 5 miles. No. 1 chipmaker Intel on Monday is to announce its first chip for the service, called WiMax. Intel's more than 20 partners also include telecom heavyweights Qwest and British Telecom and tech giants Siemens and Texas Instruments. That corporate support is a big endorsement for the still-emerging technology, which probably won't become common until 2007, tech analysts say. Long-range wireless Internet has been tried before. But it was offered mainly by smaller firms and never gained broad acceptance. Support from Intel and other giants 'is the big reason that (WiMax) is the real thing,' says Internet analyst David Willis of researcher Gartner."
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Older Americans Month: May 2005 - - http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/004210.html - - Older Americans Month originated with a presidential proclamation in May 1963. It has been proclaimed by presidents every year since then. Last year, President Bush stated, 'Older Americans help others to understand the past, and they teach timeless lessons of courage, endurance and love. Through their legacy of patriotism, service, and responsibility, America's seniors also unite families and communities and serve as role models for younger generations.'
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Calculate Materials - - http://www.thisoldhouse.com/toh/knowhow/calculator/0,16964,,00.html - - This Old House site calculates the amount of materials you'll need for your home repair project. Measure twice, cut once. Whether you're cutting or painting, installing carpeting or flooring, or laying tile, use these calculators to check how much you will need of the materials you will be installing.
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"The elderly population in every state will grow faster than the total population, and seniors will outnumber school-age children in 10 states in the next 25 years, population projections released by the Census Bureau indicate. No state had more elderly than children in 2000. The Census Bureau predicts that 26 states will double their populations of people older than 65 by 2030, when the oldest members of the baby boom generation hit their 80s. Florida, Pennsylvania, Vermont, Wyoming, North Dakota, Delaware, New Mexico, Montana, Maine and West Virginia will have fewer children than elderly. Only the District of Columbia will grow younger. The growth in the 65-and-older population will be about 3 1/2 times the growth of the nation as a whole, the Census Bureau predicts."
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Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments - - http://www.odci.gov/cia/publications/chiefs/ - - The Central Intelligence Agency publishes and updates the online directory of Chiefs of State and Cabinet Members of Foreign Governments weekly. The directory is intended to be used primarily as a reference aid and includes as many governments of the world as is considered practical, some of them not officially recognized by the United States.
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"The nation's teenagers are increasingly trying prescription drugs such as Vicodin and OxyContin to get high, with the pill-popping members of 'Generation Rx' often raiding their parents' medicine cabinets, according to the latest national study by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. The 17th annual study on teen drug abuse, released Thursday morning, found that about one in five teenagers has abused a prescription painkiller - more than have experimented with either Ecstasy, cocaine, crack or LSD. One in 11 teens had abused over-the-counter products such as cough medicine, the study reported."
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Facts for Features: Cinco de Mayo - - http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/004707.html - - May 5th marks the Mexican army's victory over the French invaders at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. In the United States, the celebration of this battle has come to be known simply as the 'Cinco de Mayo.' Along with Mexican Independence Day on Sept. 16, Cinco de Mayo has become a time to celebrate Mexican heritage and culture.
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STATS - - http://www.stats.org/ - - STATS monitors the media to expose the abuse of science and statistics before people are misled and public policy is distorted. Since 1994, STATS has sought to hold U.S. journalists to the highest standards of reporting accuracy, while providing them with concrete assistance to help them better understand the complexities and limitations of scientific and statistical material.
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"Growing at a rate of about 900 inmates each week between mid-2003 and mid-2004, the nation's prisons and jails held 2.1 million people, or one in every 138 U.S. residents, the government reported. By last June 30, there were 48,000 more inmates, or 2.3 percent, more than the year before, according to the latest figures from the Bureau of Justice Statistics. The total inmate population has hovered around 2 million for the past few years, reaching 2.1 million on June 30, 2002, and just below that mark a year later. While the crime rate has fallen over the past decade, the number of people in prison and jail is outpacing the number of inmates released, said the report's co-author, Paige Harrison. For example, the number of admissions to federal prisons in 2004 exceeded releases by more than 8,000, the study found."
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How Time Works - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/time.htm - - Time is something that most of us take for granted. Have you ever thought about why, for example, there are 12 months in a year? Why are there 30 days in September? Why are there time zones and what's with daylight-saving time? Why are there 86,400 seconds in a day? This How Stuff Works article clarifies the subject of time.
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"A paltry number of Americans follow four basic rules of health living -- don't smoke, eat well, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy weight, according to new study findings released April 25, 2005. After surveying more than 150,000 adults, Michigan researchers found that only three percent said they maintained these healthy habits. Lead author Dr. Mathew J. Reeves of Michigan State University in East Lansing told Reuters Health he expected that a minority of adults would keep up all habits, 'but three percent was really quite surprising.' He explained that there are probably a number of reasons why the vast majority of Americans don't follow their doctors' orders. People are busy, live in environments more conducive to driving everywhere than walking or biking, and may lack information about the dangers of unhealthy habits, Reeves suggested."
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Foreign Consular Offices in the United States - - http://www.state.gov/s/cpr/rls/fco/ - - This publication contains a complete and official listing of the foreign consular offices in the United States, and recognized consular officers. Compiled by the U.S. Department of State, with the full cooperation of the foreign missions in Washington, it is offered as a convenience to organizations and persons who must deal with consular government agencies, state tax officials, international trade organizations, chambers of commerce, and judicial authorities who have a continuing need for handy access to this type of information.
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"The U.S. count of major world terrorist attacks more than tripled in 2004, a rise that may revive debate on whether the Bush administration is winning the war on terrorism, congressional aides said. The number of 'significant' international terrorist attacks rose to about 650 last year from about 175 in 2003, according to congressional aides briefed on the numbers by State Department and intelligence officials. The aides were told the surge partly reflected an increased tally of violence in India and Pakistan related to the Himalayan region of Kashmir, which both countries claim, and the devotion of more manpower to the U.S. monitoring effort, which resulted in more attacks being counted overall."
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| Safety From The Heart |
May 4, 2005
Today's Safety From the Heart message is from Pam Kemp.

Just when you think you have seen it all . . .

During lunch yesterday I encountered the worse case of an accident waiting to happen that I have seen in a very long time.

An old truck in front of me was carrying a tall can in the very back by the tailgate and every time he hit a bump the contents were spilling out of the truck onto the highway. I was not real close but close enough to smell gas fumes.
This person was carrying gasoline in an uncapped gas container. It looked to be about a 5-gallon plastic container. Can you imagine what would have happened if someone would have thrown a cigarette out in passing or even a backfire from an automobile passing? This was a horrible accident waiting to happen.

The driver turned into the trash dumpster drop-off and I went on about finding lunch. I wish now that I would have turned into the dumpster also and informed the driver that the contents of his container were spilling with each bump in the road that he was hitting...but I didn't because I was in a hurry to get lunch and get back to work.

A reminder: If you see something like this, please take time to alert someone, especially the person posing the threat to their health and yours.

Secondly: Don't carry anything in your truck bed or inside your car that may pose a potential hazard to yourself or someone else...and last but certainly not least...cap off any container that you are transporting from one area to another.

THE LIFE YOU SAVE MAY BE YOURS AND MINE!!!
| Safety From The Heart |
May 2, 2005
Today's Safety From the Heart message is from Gloria Myers.

At 23 months old my nephew can and will lock the doors. We found that out just yesterday. My niece thought he was asleep and walked outside. To her surprise he wasn't; he locked the door and she couldn't get back in.

She walked to the apartment office and told the manager about her problem and asked if she would open the door. The manager checked the listing and told her that because her name wasn't on the lease that she couldn't let her inside. She panicked and didn't know what to do at that point, so she called me. I was very upset to say the least, I told her to call the police and let them know what is going on and ask for their assistance.

They came and told the manager if she didn't open the door they would break it down. The officer also told her that under the circumstance she should have checked to see if a child was in the apartment and then opened the door. If she felt uncomfortable, she could have left my niece at the office and then checked the apartment. But under no circumstances should she have not at least checked to see if a child was inside. They could hear him cry for a little while because he was alone. But by the time they opened the door, he was calm and watching Barney on TV. Thanks Barney!

Watch out for our children no matter the age. They only have to see it once and they got it. From now on I think someone will make sure she has the keys or that the door won't lock.
| Safety From The Heart |
April 29, 2005
Preventing Back Injuries
Prepared by Baton Rouge Tower Employee Hal Lancon

This is the time of year where a lot of bending, lifting, digging, twisting, and pulling will take place while working in the yard. Gentle back stretching before and after yard work will be beneficial, along with using proper body mechanics. Limber up, yard chores may seem easy but they involve muscles you probably haven't used in a while.
Always try to bend your knees, avoid reaching and try using a rolling stool when weeding.
Use proper body mechanics when lifting and remember to take rest breaks.

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TOURBUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -:)
-- :) :) ----------------------------------

TOURBUS Volume 10, Number 58 -- 29 Apr 2005
Tourbus Home - http://www.TOURBUS.com
Tourbus News Service - http://tourbus.com/news.html

Finding stuff in a search engine is sometimes quite difficult. Choose the wrong search terms and you end up with either a squillion hits or none. What we need is a way to see how many hits our search terms are going to generate BEFORE we do our searches. That way we can refine our search terms as we type them.

Enter Google Suggest. Just point your web browser to

http://www.google.com/webhp?complete=1

and start typing. Google Suggest provides you with search suggestions, in real time, as you type. Key in a few letters of a particular search term and Google Suggest displays a list of words it thinks match.

For example, if you search for "Patrick Crispen," Google Suggest shows you keyword suggestions as you key in each letter in my name. It's kind of humorous because, as you type each letter in my name, Google's suggestions include a infamous hotel heiress, a Yankee football team, a sitcom mom, that 'liberty or death' guy, a British pop artist, a Hollywood producer, and then little old me.

The interesting part comes when you get to the letter "i" in my last name. My last name is spelled the exact same way you spell the verb "to make something crisp." [Yeah, I have a weird last name. Sue me. You can find a rather humorous and complete history of my last name at http://crispen.org/Bob/about.html ] What Google Suggest shows, however, is that while there are 19,900 pages out there that spell my last name correctly, a full 150,000 pages incorrectly spell my last name "Crispin." Vanity aside, knowing alternative spellings--and the number of hits those spellings generate--can be quite helpful when you do online research. And that's really where Google Suggest excels.

Google Suggest works in Internet Explorer 6.0 (or newer), Netscape 7.1
(or newer), Mozilla 1.4 (or newer), Firefox 0.8 (or newer), Opera 7.54
(or newer), or Safari 1.2.2 (or newer). But there are two catches:

1. Both JavaScript and cookies must be enabled in your browser.

2. You can only get to Google Suggest by going to
http://www.google.com/webhp?complete=1. You can't get to
Google Suggest directly from Google's homepage.

For more information about Google Suggest, check out the free FAQ page at

http://labs.google.com/suggestfaq.html

Is Google Suggest a replacement for the regular, plain old Google searches we know and love? Nah. But if you aren't quite sure what you're looking for, or if you want to see how many hits a particular search term or phrase might generate, Google Suggest is for you. :)

RELATED NEWS: - http://tourbus.com/google-news.html

That's all for now, see you next time! -- Bob Rankin
+---------------------------------------+
==[ Tourbus Rider Information ]=
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2005, Rankin & Crispen - All rights reserved
Tourbus News Service - http://tourbus.com/news.html
Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the
Tourbus Website - http://www.TOURBUS.com
========================
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ { crispen@netsquirrel.com
/ , , ) \ http://www.netsquirrel.com/
`~ -' \ } )) AOL Instant Messenger: Squirrel2K
_( ( )_.'
---..{____} Warning: squirrels.
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.
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A Little Boy & His Fishing Pole
This true story is about someone in Indiana and I couldn't resist passing it on... gives one pause for thought....
Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago. His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing with his dad. The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.
Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits. "Mikey, what happened?"
Sheriff Marr asked.
Mikey replied, "Well, Papaw, I was fishin' with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin' pole and I didn't get to catch no fish!"
As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and in the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two places. Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine.
Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Wal-mart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out. The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can. When they were alone, Mikey matter-of-factly said, "Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?"
"Well," the Sheriff replied, a little startled. "Yes,Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts."
"No," said Mikey. "I mean Jesus is REALLY real."
"What do you mean?" asked the Sheriff.
"I know he's real 'cause I saw him, "said Mikey, still casting into the trash can. "You did?" said the Sheriff.
"Yep," said Mikey. "When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle."

Thanks to Trina Montgomery
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Good thing no one “unplugged” him!

Can't tell me miracles don't happen....
Updated: 12:58 PM EDT
Buffalo Fireman Regains Long-Lost Memories
Speaks to Family After 10 Years of Silence

By ROBERT D. McFADDEN, The New York Times

A Buffalo firefighter who apparently suffered brain damage in a 1995 burning roof collapse and has since been virtually silent and nearly blind had a sudden unexplained recovery on Saturday, animatedly speaking to family and friends and trying to recover a lost decade.
"How long have I been gone?" the puzzled firefighter, Donald Herbert, 44, asked in a 14-hour marathon of hugs, kisses, reunions and conversations with his wife, four sons, other relatives and old firefighter comrades.

"We told him almost 10 years, and he said 'Holy cow!' " Simon A. Manka, his uncle, recalled yesterday. "He thought it had been three months."

In a news conference at Father Baker Manor, a skilled nursing home in the Buffalo suburb of Orchard Park, where Mr. Herbert has been a patient for seven years, Mr. Manka said his nephew - who has passed most days in a wheelchair in front of a television set - abruptly returned to life and "began to speak after nine and a half years of silence."

Pending medical tests, Mr. Manka said, the extent and the probable duration of Mr. Herbert's recovery are unknown. "However, we can tell you he did recognize several family members and friends and did call them by name."

It happened out of the blue Saturday morning, a nursing home employee said.

"I want to talk to my wife," Mr. Herbert was quoted as saying. A staff member called his wife, Linda, but it was his youngest son, Nicholas, 13, who picked up the phone and began speaking.

"That can't be," Mr. Herbert said. "He's just a baby. He can't talk."

Nicholas was indeed a toddler when Mr. Herbert, then a 34-year-old member of a fire rescue squad, rushed into a burning two-and-a-half story apartment building in Buffalo on the morning of Dec. 29, 1995. He wore a breathing mask against heavy smoke and was searching the attic for victims when the roof collapsed.

Buried under flaming debris, Mr. Herbert was knocked unconscious and, according to reports at the time, went six minutes without oxygen before other firefighters pulled him free. They carried him out a window and down a ladder, and he was taken to Erie County Medical Center in critical condition.
Mr. Herbert, who had rescued two adults and two small children in a 1990 fire and had many citations for bravery, had severe head trauma as well as prolonged oxygen deprivation and remained in a coma for two and a half months.

An avalanche of cards and letters, meanwhile, was delivered to his wife and sons, Donny, 14; Tom, 13; Patrick, 11; and the baby Nicholas. News articles at the time described Mr. Herbert as a dedicated family man, coaching his children's soccer and baseball teams, taking them hunting and fishing.

Fellow firefighters rallied around the family, helping with the boys, with shopping, with financial help. The outpouring of support included a benefit party, organized by firefighters and other well-wishers, at the Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo. Thousands attended, and tens of thousands of dollars were raised.

While Mr. Herbert regained consciousness in 1996, his speech was slurred, he was unable to eat without assistance, he was confined to a bed or a wheelchair and his vision was reduced to a series of blurs. Doctors said that they had found no damage to the optic nerves, but that the part of the brain that controls vision appeared to have been damaged.

Moreover, Mr. Herbert's memory seemed all but nonexistent. He could not say how old he was or what his job had been. He seemed unable to recognize family members and friends, and firefighting comrades had become virtual strangers.

In 1999, a year after he was moved to the nursing home, Linda Herbert prevailed in a brief legal fight with Mr. Herbert's parents, Geraldine and Donald P. Herbert, over who should have control over decisions in a medical emergency, like pneumonia or a serious infection. All agreed that extraordinary resuscitative measures should not be taken in the event of a stroke or a heart attack.

But Mr. Herbert's condition remained stable over the years. "He would sit in a wheelchair in front of a TV with no awareness," Linda Herbert's mother, Mary Blake, said yesterday. "He could say yes or no, but he could not put words together or talk back if people asked him a question. Most days, he just sat silently."

On Saturday, as word of Mr. Herbert's progress spread, a stream of visitors arrived at Father Baker Manor for joyous reunions with a man who had seemed lost to them.

For a stretch of 14 hours, Mr. Manka said, Mr. Herbert spoke with people and asked questions, especially about his sons: Donny, now 24, and Thomas, 23, both in graduate school; Patrick, 21, a college student, and Nicholas, 13, a schoolboy but hardly the infant his father remembered.

"He wouldn't go to sleep," said Ms. Blake. "He stayed up all night talking to his sons."

Mr. Manka, a lawyer, said in a telephone interview that his nephew's apparent recovery struck everyone as amazing. "He was completely different," he said. "He was asking questions, and he'd recognize a voice. When somebody came in the room, he'd say the name before anyone told him who it was. He was the same for nine years, and then all of a sudden he started talking."

Patrick J. Coghlan, who was the lieutenant in charge of Mr. Herbert's rescue squad on the night of the roof collapse and who retired in 1999, remembered years of all-but-fruitless visits by colleagues to the nursing home, with Mr. Herbert sitting quietly, seemingly unable to respond. On Sunday, he said, Mr. Herbert recognized the voices of his comrades and, while he could not see them, identified members of his old crew.

No one had an explanation. "We don't know what to make of it," Mr. Manka said. "The doctors haven't finished their evaluation. The doctors are cautiously optimistic, and so are we."

"We have no idea how it happened," Ms. Blake said. "There are more people praying for this young man, so it's all in God's hands. Even if we had him for just one day, we'd be eternally grateful."

(David Staba contributed reporting from Buffalo for this article.)

Thanks to Terry Neal
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SURVIVE THE ALBEMARLE SAFETY CHALLENGE!
All Albemarle and Permanent Site Contractors

Be the last survivor on the island of "albemarle" and win $1,500!!

First, get on the island by submitting a safety item ? either a near hit, tailgate, scan, or a good safety suggestion will do it. You have two weeks from the day of "rollout" to submit an item to your supervisor. Safety item confirmation should be sent, either via e-mail or inter-office, to clay graham in hr. Once you are on the island, your name will go on the "survivor" list. A bi-weekly random drawing will be conducted in one of the plant areas to determine who has lost immunity. These people will be notified via e-mail and employee communications and will have two weeks from that communication to get safely back on the island. This will require another more difficult safety challenge task (to be decided by a committee).

If a person is drawn 'off' the island more than twice and works to get back on, he/she will be eligible for a "persistence reward" which will be aside from the main contest. This will take place prior to the final drawing and there will be a maximum of four of these drawings.

Once we are down to 30 or so, one more safety immunity challenge of more difficulty will be required. Once this has been accomplished, a drawing will be held to get to the final 11 survivors. There will be a special drawing and presentation to determine the sole survivor. 10 will receive $250 rewards and the sole survivor wins the $1500!
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TGIF-Today God Is First


The Value of Words
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Friday, May 06, 2005
by Os Hillman

And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. Simply let your "Yes" be "Yes," and your "No," "No"; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. ~ Matthew 5:36-37


Imagine for a moment that you are living in Jesus' time. It is before Jesus has begun His public ministry. He is a carpenter in your local town of Nazareth. You have asked Jesus to make a table for you. You're on a deadline and you must have it in a week. You agree on the price of $100 for the table and the date of one week for completion. A week later you arrive to pick up the table. You lay your money down on the table and Jesus says, "Mr. Johnson, I am sorry but the table is not ready. I ran into complications. Also, I can no longer honor the price I gave you. It is now $150 instead of $100."

Two years later you hear about this same Jesus who is preaching to the local townspeople. How are you going to view this Jesus? You probably won't give much credence to His message because of your personal experience. Our lives have an ability to reinforce the message we stand for, or they can violate it and make it totally ineffective. This literally happens all over the world in different settings with Christian workplace believers. Our message becomes ineffective because we have not done what we said.

I know people who, when they tell me they plan to do something, I can expect them to follow through about 50 percent of the time. I am sure you have had the same experience. Words and commitments are made with little meaning behind those words. However, I know others who will follow through almost every time. The only time they don't is when something falls outside their control. I quickly learn whose words have substance behind them.

There are times when we are unable to perform or deliver what we promised due to outside influences. The key to turning these potentially negative circumstances into a witness for Christ is communication. If we are unable to pay a bill on time, we must communicate with those we owe and make a good faith effort to resolve it within our means. In these cases, God's purposes are being performed as well if we seek to do the right thing.

Do your words mean anything to those who hear them? Do you make commitments and fail to follow through on them? What would others say about how you follow through? Ask the Lord today to show you how you are doing in this area. You might even want to ask three people who are the closest to you how you fare in this area.

Copyright 2005. www.MarketplaceLeaders.org
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To contact Os Hillman, request reprint permission, or to book Os to speak in your town write to os@marketplaceleaders.org. Marketplace Leaders Website: http://www.marketplaceleaders.org/ Copyright 2004
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Please recommend this TGIF daily devotional to everyone interested in applying their faith to their worklife. Tell them to subscribe at http://www.TodayGodIsFirst.com

Os Hillman Copyright 2004
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Verse of the Day

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Eph 5:22 - 24 (NASB)

Now Paul gets personal. Our walk in Christ is not much if it doesn’t get into our daily living. So, let the fun begin …

Volumes have been written about these verses with no single author drawing everyone into a mutual acceptance of interpretations. Therefore, I have no grandiose vision of solving all the mysteries wrapped up in these three little verses in these few paragraphs. However, there are a few things that need to be said. First, ladies, don’t get in a thither about the “be subject” part of the verse. Paul directs only three verses to Christian women. He spends nine verses talking to the MEN!

Second, most of us misunderstand the “be subject” phrase anyway. Literally translated, “be subject” means “to draw up or order under”. Paul is pointing out a natural order … one ordained from the beginning of time. God created Adam and from his rib created Eve. If you think anatomy for a second, the ribs are located under the arms. As I sit here, the closest part of my body to the ribs are my arms. As I type, my arms are gripping my ribs in a protective mode. Not only was Eve created after Adam, and created from Adam, but she was created to be protected by Adam and be a helper for Adam. God knew from the very beginning how helpless Adam would be without Eve. I know how helpless I am without Melanie. The house would be as messy as my desk … if it wasn’t for Melanie’s ministering to me. Even more importantly, she keeps me on track financially, emotionally, and spiritually. That is an important job in any household. She certainly does not feel like a second-class citizen. Rather, she is a very important part of a well-oiled organism called a “family”.

Finally, in all honesty, the relationship between husband and wife, like that of Christ and the Church, is a symbiotic one. A symbiotic relationship is one in which each organism is totally dependent upon the other for sustained life. Forgive the lapse into science fiction, but some of the characters of Star Trek illustrate the point quite well. In this series, a certain race of humanoids exists primarily to host a second, non-humanoid organism. Both have separate memories, but the first is never complete until the second is introduced into the body of the host. At that time, both memories are “melded” into one, each remembers all that has happened to the other. Each would die without the other. So it is with marriage. While the husband is the “head”, he is still dependent upon the wife to fulfill him. It is much more than a physical thing; it involves the will, the emotions, the spirit of a man. Likewise, the wife is never fully completed until she has a mate, a man who loves her, affirms her, cares for her, nurtures her, and meets all of her needs as well. One without the other is incomplete, just like the Church without Christ would be nothing but another social club.

Wives, be content to be “second in command” to your husbands, but complete him, help him be all that God intended him to be. And, rest assured, we will discuss husbands over several days! Guys, feel free to read ahead. It might lessen the blow a bit and prepare you for one of the greatest experiences you will ever have!

Harley

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… and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Eph 5:21 (NASB)

“… be careful how you walk …” “… making the most of your time …” “… do not be foolish …” “… understand what the will of the Lord is …” “… do not get drunk with wine …” “… be filled with the Spirit …” “… speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart …” “… giving thanks for all things …”

All of these excerpts from our most recent verses have to do with how we walk. Our walk is a result of understanding God, our relationship with Him, and who we are because of Jesus. Our walk is our lifestyle. A very wise pastor told me that there is a new religion in America … and it influences us all. The “Official American Religion” has three basic tenets or doctrines: 1. believers get their value from money, 2. their truth from science and 3. their meaning from sensuality.

The average American looks at another and judges that person’s status on the basis of their apparent wealth. We all like to be close to the wealthy but shun the un-bathed street person sitting on a park bench. We read incessantly about the “rich and the famous” ogling the tabloids at the grocer’s checkout lane. Would we do the same if a magazine was published telling the story of “John Smith, bum for fifteen years” or “Jane Hobson, America’s oldest prostitute”?

That same American believes that science will cure all of our ills … maybe in our own lifetimes. I read recently that one scientist believes that the first person to live over 900 years may be alive today! (Sorry, bud, but that has already been done … except you don’t accept the biblical account as anything but fiction.) If we manage to destroy our world, science will find us another one. If we find a new disease, science will find the cure. Someday we will have a pill that will make us intelligent … hurrah, no more school!

Mr. Common American finds his meaning is fulfilling his every desire … whether it is “normal” or “perverted” makes no difference. American law is gradually chipping away the prohibitions about any perversion … we have a “right” to fulfill our sensual desires. The ACLU is defending NAMBA, the North American Man Boy Association, in a lawsuit. It seems as though NAMBA printed an article telling how to murder a young boy. A lad’s parents are suing for damages because their son was viciously murdered following the instructions in this perverted rag. The ACLU says that restraining NAMBA would be breaking NAMBA’s First Amendment Rights to freedom of the press!

While I have illustrated my point with some absurdities, the point is still there. All of us have been influenced by The American Religion. The question is “how much?” Picture it this way.

Imagine a fuel gauge. It has two colors that follow a needle to indicate contents, red and white. The red equals The American Religion, and white equals the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What color is prevalent on your gauge? I have to admit that I have a little red on one end of the gauge. (Remember, there is no PINK!) What percentage of my life is white and what is red? You answer first!

Harley
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… always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father … Eph 5:20 (NASB)

“Hey, Harley, you used this same scripture last time! I know it was nearly a week ago. Has your rememberer lost its memory?”

Yes, I know this is what I used last time. And I know that was nearly a week ago. I had to take some time off to lead a men’s retreat and father-son float down the mighty (ha) Caddo River. Events have happened that will further illustrate the meaning of Paul’s words. If you recall, we talked about giving thanks for “all things”, and I made mention that “all things” included the bad as well as the good. Let me tell you a little bit of what I experienced.

The men’s retreat was one of those good “all things”. The men thoroughly enjoyed the food and fellowship on Friday night. We talked, prayed, sang, and heard a wonderful word from one of our teaching pastors. Many men stayed up until after midnight visiting, playing, and simply enjoying the great outdoors. We spent the night on a meadowy park-like spot on the Caddo owned by a friend of mine. I rejoice in the evening. It was great. I can easily thank God for that.

The next morning was wonderful as well. The morning dawned bright and sunny and warmer. The river was running nicely. The water was clear and cold. A breakfast of eggs, sausage, biscuits, sausage gravy and Danish was well received. Out other teaching pastor provided fantastic spiritual nourishment before the men began their float down the river. This was also easy to thank God for.

What happened next was the challenge. Our host, and my friend, decided some trees needed cut. One member of the cooking crew was especially skilled in that aspect (he, too, was a good friend of the owner) and the dead wood was about to fall. Unfortunately, a series of incidents resulted in our host being killed by a falling tree – no one’s fault. As I bent over our dying host, our men began to exit the river for a planned lunch. Obviously, the glorious day we started was not the same day that ended at sundown Saturday.

“Harley, that is tragic. How can you possibly give thanks for that?”

I relate this tragic story because I want you to know that what Paul is asking of us is indeed possible … for several known reasons and who knows how many reasons yet to come. Our friend was a believer … an associate pastor of a local church. Though only 53, he had lived a full life. He had just visited on the phone with his newly married son. He had spent the night with his beloved wife (she had almost stayed in town). He was doing what he loved … working on his river. (He had often said that he wanted to die on his river.) His wife had just renewed acquaintance with a widow of about two years in our church … helping a friend of hers through the grieving period. Our group of men included not one, but two well qualified doctors … a great assurance to the new widow. We were there to help her thorough the initial rough waters of a life transformation. The list of “God” preparations runs deep and wide, but let’s continue.

The obituary in today’s paper is a testimony to God’s grace and love. The funeral tomorrow will be a celebration of God’s provision. It will be attended by hundreds of people, some of whom are not Children of the King. The Gospel will be proclaimed. The witness to the community will reaffirm God’s sovereignty and grace. The funeral is likely to be spread around the country via tape. Who knows what impact this alone will have on the lives of people who may or my not have known our former host. What’s more, there are multitudes of positive results that we may or may not ever know.

Thank God for the death of a friend? Certainly. Yes, it is a sad occasion, and it has been difficult for all of us who were deeply involved to handle, however, God is in control … He was making preparations for this event at least two years ago! There have been and will be positive results (read Romans 8:28).

Harley
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c. 2005 Harley E. Hudson

If you received Verse of the Day as a forward and you wish to have your own subscription, simply send an e-mail to hhudson719@earthlink.net and request a free subscription.
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Activities and Events of Interest
~~~
12th ANNUAL ALBEMARLE BASS TOURNAMENT - Saturday, May 14, 2005
Where: Lake Columbia ? North Shore Landing
Time: 6:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Entry Fee: $30.00 per boat plus $10.00 per team for Big Bass Contest
1st - 50% of entries
2nd - 30% of entries
3rd - 20% of entries
PRIZES TO BE GIVEN IN RANDOM DRAWING
Big Bass Pot 1st - 75% 2nd -25%
~~~
Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Saturday, May 14 and Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm daily.
http://barksdaleairshow.org/
~~~
---Blossom Festival 5K Run - May 21, 2005---

Albemarle Team Competition ? Albemarle will pay the $25.00 "team" entry fee for up to four teams. Must have 3 or more persons on a team. An individual entry fee is also required.

Entry Fees:**
$12 if postmarked by May 14 (T-shirts to first 200 registered runners/walkers)
$15 after May 14 and day of race
$5 for Fun Run
$25.00 Team entry fee (which Albemarle will pay)(Be sure to have a Team Name.)

Contact Cindy Borne, by e-mail or phone, for the entry form.

Note:** In order to get the paperwork done for getting the team entry fee processed, you will need to get your information in to Cindy Borne by May 1st.
~~~
May 20 & 21 - Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off. Tickets and/or Information 800-482-3330. Www.magnoliachamber.com
~~~
Albemarle Kid's Fishing Tournament, Saturday, June 11th
Highway 371 Training Center - 10 am to 1 pm - Free Tee Shirts
Lots of Prizes - Hamburgers and Hot Dogs.
Check In @ 9:30 am - Fishing begins @ 10 am - Weigh In @ 1 pm
~~~
The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/

The Department of Defense announced the death of four soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died April 28 in Tal Afar, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near their Stryker military vehicle. Killed were:
01. 1st Lt. William A. Edens, 29, of Columbia, Mo. Edens was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 5th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
02. Sgt. Eric W. Morris, 31, of Sparks, Nev. Morris was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 5th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
03. Spc. Ricky W. Rockholt Jr., 28, of Winston, Ore. Rockholt was assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 3rd Armor Cavalry Regiment, Fort Carson, Colo.
04. Pfc. Robert W. Murray Jr., 21, of Westfield, Ind. Murray was assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 3rd Armor Cavalry Regiment, Fort Carson, Colo.

05. Sgt. Timothy C. Kiser, 37, of Tehama, Calif., died April 28 in Riyhad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his patrol. Kiser was assigned to the Army National Guard's 340th Forward Support Battalion, 40th Infantry Division, Red Bluff, Calif.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were killed supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died April 29 in Baghdad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near their dismounted patrol. Both soldiers were assigned to 2nd Battalion, 14th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry), Fort Drum, N.Y. The soldiers were:
06. Pfc. Darren A. Deblanc, 20, of Evansville, Ind.
07. Pvt. Charles S. Cooper, Jr., 19, of Jamestown, N.Y.

08. Cpl. Joseph S. Tremblay, 23, of New Windsor, N.Y., died April 27 from injuries received from a mine explosion while conducting combat operations in vicinity of Hit, Iraq. He was assigned to Marine Forces Reserve’s 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment, 4th Marine Division, Moundsville, W.Va. As part of Operation Iraqi Freedom his unit was attached to 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward).

09. Staff Sgt. Juan De Dios Garcia-Arana, 27, of Los Angeles, Calif., died April 30 in Khaladiyah, Iraq, when his Bradley Fighting Vehicle was attacked by enemy forces using small arms fire. Garcia-Arana was assigned to the 5th Battalion, 5th Air Defense Artillery Regiment, 2nd Infantry Division, Camp Hovey, Korea.

10. 2nd Lt. Clifford V. Gadsden, 25, of South Carolina, died April 29 in Balad, Iraq, when a vehicle-born improvised explosive device detonated near his convoy vehicle. Gadsden was assigned to the Army’s 603rd Transportation Company, 142nd Corps Support Battalion, Warrior Brigade, Fort Polk, La.

11. Staff Sgt. Tommy S. Little, 47, of Aliceville, Ala., died May 2 at Brooke Army Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas, of injuries sustained on April 19 near Iskandariyah, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Little was assigned to the Army National Guard’s 2nd Battalion, 114th Field Artillery Regiment, Columbus, Miss.

The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died April 29 in Diyarah, Iraq, when a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device detonated as they were conducting a traffic control point inspection. Both were assigned to 2nd Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, Calif. Killed were:
12. Capt. Stephen W. Frank, 29, of Michigan.
13. Capt. Ralph J. Harting III, 28, of Delaware.

14. Spc. Derrick J. Lutters, 24, of Burlington, Colo., died May 1 along a supply route in Iraq when a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device detonated while his unit was inspecting a bridge for enemy tampering. Lutters was assigned to the Army National Guard’s 891st Engineer Battalion, Pittsburg, Kan.

15. Maj. John C. Spahr, 42, of Cherry Hill, N.J., died May 2 from injuries received when the F/A-18 Hornet aircraft he was piloting apparently crashed in Iraq. He was assigned to Marine Fighter Attack Squadron 323, Marine Aircraft Group 11, 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing, Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, Calif. His unit was embarked aboard the U.S.S. Carl Vinson.

16. Sgt. Kenya A. Parker, 26, of Fairfield, Ala., died April 30 in Baghdad, Iraq, of a non-combat related medical condition. Parker was assigned to the Special Troops Battalion, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.

17. Capt. Kelly C. Hinz, 30, of Woodbury, Minn., died May 2 from injuries received when the F/A-18 Hornet aircraft he was piloting crashed in Iraq while flying in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. He was assigned to Marine Fighter Attack Squadron 323, Marine Aircraft Group 11, 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing, Marine Corps Air Station Miramar, Calif. His unit was embarked aboard the U.S.S. Carl Vinson.

18. Sgt. John E. McGee, 36, of Columbus, Ga., died May 2 near Diwaniyah, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his convoy vehicle. McGee was assigned to the Army National Guard’s 2101st Transportation Company, Camden, Ala.

19. Sgt. Stephen P. Saxton, 24, of Temecula, Calif., died May 3 in Baghdad, Iraq, when his unit was conducting a route security mission and an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Saxton was assigned to the Army’s 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Carson, Colo.

20. Staff Sgt. William J. Brooks, 30, of Birmingham, Ala., died May 3 in Baghdad, Iraq, when his unit was conducting a route security mission and an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Brooks was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 64th Armor Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.
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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.
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Please remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families.
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Scheduled Activities
~~~
Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m. Monday - Friday. At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m. Sunday at 914 N. Vine
~~~
Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m. Union Street Station. And YOU'RE invited. Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
~~~
Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital
~~~
"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!
~~~
MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm
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MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am
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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm
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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
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MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m
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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m
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MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second. Call 234-3225 for reservations.
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MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
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MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program. For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.
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Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
~~~
Narcotics Anonymous 5-6 pm every Monday at 220 Pine street.
~~~
TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) 5 pm every Tuesday in the Magnolia Hospital break room.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee
"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
"Information is the currency of democracy." - Jefferson
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - - Margaret Mead
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Psa 121 Heb 9:22-24 James 2:18-20 Psa 119:10-12 2 Cor 3:1-3
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

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