GCF: Mathematically Speaking

Volume 7, Issue 19

Hello ALL,

MCC’s Dream center team invited us to bring out the Albemarle Fire Truck last Saturday. Thanks to John Burge, Pat, Charlie and Josh Hammock for bringing out the fire truck and participating in Dream center. Over 125 kids toured the Fire Truck that day.
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Austin and Tyler Prince toured the Albemarle fire truck last week. They are both Jr. Albemarle Fire Fighters now.
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Albemarle’s Chairman of the Board visited Magnolia last week. It’s nice to have Da Boss come to visit
~~~~~
Ben and Trina Montgomery, two of our favorite people, moved to Virginia last week. We’re eagerly awaiting Trina’s first e-mail from their new home.
~~~~~
Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm. Go to Barksdaleairshow.org for details.
~~~~~
Operation Starting Line, a ministry of Prison Fellowship has occupied most of Annette’s waking hours this week. Not to mention Brother Robert and Brother Roy’s waking hours.
Operation Starting Line (OSL) is a sweeping evangelistic outreach that links the resources of over twenty five leading Christian organizations with believers from local churches to saturate America's prisons with the message of Christ's forgiveness and power. This collaboration is designed to introduce every prisoner in every prison in America to the Christian Gospel over a ten-year period, and to disciple to Christian maturity all those who respond. Since its inception on Easter Sunday 2000 (when Annette, Verna, Robert and the team ministered in Angola), through August 2004, Operation Starting Line has conducted over 2,450 in-prison events that have reached over 550,000 inmates at 684 correctional facilities throughout 21 states.
During this period, over 70,000 inmates have made a first time decision to accept Christ, rededicated their life to Christ or signed up to participate in a Bible Study program.

It really takes dedication to use vacation time, leaving home at 4 am, going to some of the worst “hell holes” in the state to minister and then getting home in the evening, only to start over the next day.
I’m privileged to know these fine ministers of the Gospel. OSL runs through May 16 this year.
~~~~~
Dear all Good Friends and Family,
Please take a moment and email extreme home make over in honor of Spec Kyle Burleson who was wounded in Iraq in August 2004 and is paralyzed from the neck down and needs a home make over due to his disability. He is 24/7 in bed or a wheelchair and needs wider doors and lots more things to accommodate his wheelchair and he lives in a 100-year-old farmhouse.
Please give Kyle a moment of your time as he went and gave his life for our freedom. Write an email requesting a home make over to lucy@hollywoodpc.com.
Thank you so much and remember FREEDOM ISN'T FREE!!!!
May God bless each of you each and every day. And remember, whatsoever you ask for in prayer, believe that the Lord will provide and it shall be yours. Love you so much, Julie Morris, R
~~~~~
Thirteen people, pledged to eliminate triskaidekaphobia, fear of the number 13, today tried to reassure American sufferers by renting a 13 ft plot of land in Brooklyn for 13 cents . . . a month.
--Daily Telegraph, January 14, 1967

Past disasters linked to the number 13 hardly help triskaidekaphobics overcome their affliction. The most famous is the Apollo 13 mission, launched on April 11, 1970 (the sum of 4, 11 and 70 equals 85 - which when added together comes to 13), from Pad 39 (three times 13) at 13:13 local time, and struck by an explosion on April 13.
--"It's just bad luck that the 13th is so often a Friday," Electronic Telegraph, September 8, 1996
~~~~~
Speaking of ignorance, as of Wednesday May 11, 63 individual cases of polio have been reported in Yemen, causing the United Nations to stress the importance of containment. The World Health Organization (WHO) fears that the polio epidemic could spread to other polio-free nations.
Indonesia has also seen an increase in polio cases, with six confirmed reports since May 3. The WHO also reported that the overall epidemic could top 100 shortly.
In response to the sudden outbreak, 6 million doses of vaccine are traveling to the infected countries. The major problem being reported in Yemen and Indonesia is that treatment of the virus is being stopped once the cases are cleared up.
Investigators have proposed that the virus originated in Nigeria, before spreading to both Yemen and Indonesia. Muslim clerics in Nigeria had suggested to parents that the Western-born vaccine was harmful to native Nigerians. The clerics were successful in convincing many families not to take the medication.
~~~~~
Mother’s Day was a blessing to Annette. Vanessa and Jimmy sent a flower, balloon and card. David and Bobbie brought her a corsage and had us to lunch.
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Annette is taking a series of lumbar injections for her back pain.
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A small plane strayed within three miles of the White House on Wednesday, leading to frantic evacuation of the Executive Mansion and the Capitol with military jets scrambling to intercept the aircraft and firing flares to steer it away.
Upon hearing the news, the stock market took a tumble, then, upon hearing it was all a mistake on the pilot’s part, the market recovered, the Dow ending up 19 points.
~
Does it bother anyone else that the stock market is so volatile that an errant Cessna could cause it to stumble?
I’m really trying to come to terms with why we have a stock market and why we allow it to have such power over our society.
I guess I’m just dwelling on the negative, but isn’t this the same people who gave us Enron and salaries of millions of dollars for people of questionable talent and morals?
~
I don’t agree with their politics but Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream was a great example of how to combine entrepreneurial spirit with respect for employees. At least it was from 1978 to 1992. During those years, no employee (including Ben and Jerry) was allowed to make more that 10 times the salary of the lowest paid worker.
They went “public” in ‘92 and soon had a CEO making thousands of times more than their average worker.
Unilever acquired the company in 2000.
~~~~~
These quotes, from people I respect in the business world, can be taken more than one way. I prefer to read them in a positive light.

"I can find a hundred men who will tell me why an idea won't work; I want to find one man who will tell me how it can be made to work." - - (Herbert Dow, the founder of Dow Chemical Company)

I have become deaf in the decibel range of "it won't work because of ****
". Let's get honest. Our business future is going to be pretty bleak if our goal is just to run out the clock with existing technologies. For all you innovative sorts, as illustrated in the picture above, keep the fire burning.

Top 10 Statements on How to Stay Clear of Innovation

01) We do not have enough resources.
02) It is not in the budget.
03) We have already tried that and it did not work.
04) If this was such a good idea, why hasn't someone else already done it?
05) That will not work (because of "ya ya", followed by no encouragement to keep trying)
06) We need to investigate options _____, ______, and _______ (study it to death).
07) I know a person who tried it and got fired.
08) Let's get back to reality.
09) Where'd you dig that one up?
10) The competition will eat us alive.
~~~~~
This week we share excerpts from “Da Bleat” of Friday, May 12, 2000.
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We’re always looking for stories as well as jokes and other contributions. Don’t hesitate to share any offerings with us.
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Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleatnew.blogspot.com
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Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
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www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel
Current Avg. $2.17 $2.30 $2.39 $2.31
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
Gas was selling for $2.06 today at the Wal-Mart Supercenter
~~~~~
Recipe of the week; Apple Pecan Wild Rice


½ cup uncooked wild rice
1 small onion, sliced very thin
2 teaspoons butter
1 cup unsweetened apple juice
1-cup chicken stock
¼ teaspoon salt
¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 apple, cored and cut in ¼ inch dice
1 tablespoon chopped pecans



Wash the rice in cold water and drain well. Sauté the onion in the butter in a medium saucepan until tender, about 5 minutes. Add the rice; cook and stir 1 minute. Add the juice, broth, salt, and cinnamon. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Cover and simmer until the rice is tender and most of the liquid is absorbed, about 45 minutes. Stir in the apple; cover and let stand 5 minutes. Drain off any excess liquid before serving. Sprinkle with chopped pecans.

"Victoria Gardner" Svgardner@speccom
~
Vanessa thought you would be interested in this link to "My Version of My Friend Jon's Polish Stir-Fry and Pierogis Pot Stickers with Herbs and Sour Cream" on the Food Network Web site:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_26966,00.html

This is the recipe she wants to make when she next visits us.
~~~~~
BREAKPOINT Commentaries
by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship

Beyond Divisions
Living in a Red and Blue America

May 13, 2005

Note: This commentary was delivered by Prison Fellowship President Mark Earley.

What does it mean to be conservative and Christian in a red and blue America?

Chuck Colson recently attempted to answer that question in a speech he gave to the Council for National Policy. The answer he gave was not the answer you might expect. But I believe it was an answer that a lot of us need to hear. Judging from the response Chuck received from the audience—a group made up of many different races and backgrounds—they felt the same way.

The theory of a divided America is a very popular one these days. In fact, some people positively seem to revel in the idea. In his speech, Chuck cited columnist Thomas Friedman, who wrote after the election, “What troubled me . . . was my feeling that this election was tipped because of an outpouring of support for Bush by people who don’t just favor different policies from me—they favor a whole different kind of America from me. We don’t just disagree on what America should be doing; we disagree on what America is.” As you’re probably aware, Friedman is hardly the only American who feels like that.

And there is some truth to that view. But it doesn’t have to be that way. While it’s important for us to take a strong stand for revealed truth, we have to recognize that we can’t just be part of a war of ideologies. As the great conservative author Russell Kirk said, ideology is the enemy—of the Gospel, and of conservatism as well. Clashing utopian schemes are not going to get us anywhere.

Chuck believes, as I do, that conservatives “have a responsibility to reach out across that ideological divide” and to help our opponents not to feel like aliens in their own country. I’m not saying that’s an easy task. We have to truly live out the ideals we believe in—ideals like “tradition and order and a sense of personal responsibility and religion,” as Chuck put it. That’s how we can show people that Christians and conservatives really do have something valuable to say. And furthermore, we have the credibility to say it.

Chuck gave the example of Prison Fellowship’s work among the “most marginalized” members of society. As we serve prison inmates, we help them understand that redemption is possible for everyone. But we also help others to understand that “a Christian understanding of life is one that brings people hope and can restore them back to society.”

A key role of government is to work for the common good. Unfortunately, a liberal worldview fails, in one sense, in that it doesn’t believe in a common good. But in a society where 83 percent of our teenagers believe there’s no such thing as moral truth, even liberals are recognizing that something’s wrong. By sharing our vision of revealed truth, and by authentically living out that vision in our everyday lives, we can try to help everyone see past all our divisions to the common good that exists for us all.

For further reading and information:

Today’s BreakPoint offer: Order a CD of Chuck Colson’s CNP speech, “Red and Blue America.”

Thomas Friedman, “Two nations under God,” New York Times, 5 November 2004. Reprinted by the International Herald Tribune.

J. Budziszewski, “‘Little Platoons’,” BreakPoint WorldView, March 2003. Chuck referred to Edmund Burke’s famous phrase “little platoons” in his speech; this article explains the concept and how it works to benefit society.

Charles Colson with Anne Morse, “Reclaiming Occupied Territory,” Christianity Today, August 2004.

BreakPoint Commentary No. 031024, “Ordered Liberty: Remembering Russell Kirk.”
Russell Kirk, “Ten Conservative Principles,” 1993 (adapted from The Politics of Prudence).

Copyright 2005 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.
~~~~~
Words of the Week:
extempore: without premeditation or preparation.
cosset: to treat with excessive indulgence; to pamper.
aver: to assert as true.
wayworn: wearied by traveling.
ameliorate: to make or grow better.
concomitant: accompanying; attending.
triskaidekaphobia: fear of the number 13.
from Dictionary.Com
~~~~~
I have this theory that it is the dream of most educated people to own/work in a bookstore. ~ Megan Coughlin

Strangeness is the indispensable condiment of all beauty.

~ Charles Baudelaire

"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." - Tom Stoppard

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them." - Thomas Jefferson

"The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting fire in a theater and causing a panic." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

"If I were to wish for anything, I should not wish for wealth and power, but for the passionate sense of the potential, for the eye which, ever young and ardent, sees the possible. Pleasure disappoints, possibility never. And what wine is so sparkling, what so fragrant, what so intoxicating, as possibility!" - Soren Kierkegaard

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." - Bessie Stanley

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work." - Aristotle

In the case of good books, the point is not to see how many of them you can get through, but how many can get through to you.

~ Mortimer J. Adler
~~~~~
This week is National Nurses Week. In honor of this week, let us all take a moment to recognize and honor the tireless efforts and crucial role that nurses play in the health and well being of our communities across America. Nurses, like my late grandmother, are the cornerstone of health care in this country.

In Arkansas and all over America, we are faced with a nursing shortage. There are over 25,000 nurses registered in Arkansas, and over 1,000 of those are nurse practitioners. For a state with 2.5 million citizens, this is simply not enough. A nurse's role goes far beyond the hospital; nurses reach into charity clinics, in-home care, churches, and school volunteer health programs. The low nurse to patient ratio is far below what it needs to be, and as a result, the health and safety of the patient is compromised. This is America and we can do better.

Unfortunately, nursing programs are severely under funded in the fiscal year 2006 budget. The president's budget has requested $150 million for nursing workforce development programs including the Nurse Reinvestment Act. That figure represents a cut of $1 million over the FY 2005 funding level. With a predicted nursing shortage of more than 275,000 registered nurses by the year 2010, this is the wrong time to be cutting back our investment in this country's future nurses.

As a member committed to supporting our nurses, I have sent a request to the appropriations committee for $175 million that will go toward nurse workforce development programs, which will enable nurses to receive the proper training necessary to keep up with their ever-evolving profession. These funds would also be used to provide incentives for students and nurses to receive advanced degrees in the nursing profession and student loan programs.

Nurses are a critical component of health care in this country, offering support and providing assistance at every step of the health care process. Access to health care should be a fundamental right for every American, regardless of their economic status. I commend nurses for their hard work and tireless efforts, from school nurses to emergency rooms, and charity clinics to nursing homes. As your United States Congressman, I will continue to fight to ensure nurses are adequately funded and have the resources they need to continue to properly care for our nation's children, working families, and elderly.

Mike Ross

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GCF: Mathematically Speaking

Emailed to me from another humor list (Cascade Express E-zine) -Tom To subscribe to Cascade Express E-zine, send a blank email to: Cascade_Express-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life.
Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
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A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.

"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start speaking English."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Simple Support

Emailed to me from another humor list (You Make Me Laugh) -Tom To subscribe to You Make Me Laugh, send a blank email to: SUBSCRIBE-laugh@lists.crosswalk.com
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Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Price Reduction

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
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Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."

From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Doctor Mistake

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
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During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"

"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Unsubscribe Directions

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
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To Unsubscribe From the Good Clean Fun List:

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_ ____________________________ _
\ / \ /
\ _/ Few women admit their age. \_ /
/ / Few men act theirs. \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / If it weren't for electricity \ /
\ _/ we'd all be watching \_ /
/ / television by candlelight. \ - George Gobel
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / Did you ever notice: \ \_/ ////
\ / If you put the 2 words "THE" \ /
\ _/ and "IRS" together \_ /
/ / it spells "THEIRS"? \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Life is wonderful. \ /
\ _/ Without it you'd be dead. \_ /
/ / \ (((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_| \\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / \ /
\ _/ Deadlines amuse me. \_ /
/ / \ _ ____________________________ _
/ )| Thomas S. Ellsworth |( / / | tellswor@slonet.org | \ _( (_ | http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor | _) )_
(((\ \>|_/ )_______________________( \_|Stop for a visit, leave with a smile! To join Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.Com To leave Good Clean Fun, email: good-clean-fun-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.Com Or visit the Good Clean Fun web site at http://www. slonet.org/~tellswor/
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[GCFL.net] Of Cars and Trees

A police officer pulled a blonde over for driving erratically. She explained, "I was driving down the road, when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees magically appeared in the road."

Shaking his head the officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Received from RussowRnK.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] First Jump

A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.

Nothing happens.

He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.

Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"

Received from K D Kribbs.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Traits Passed From Parents To Children

A true story (names have been changed).

Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike (middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.

The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity, and Steve has my intelligence."

Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"

Received from Anonymous.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] My Biggest Surprise

My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."

Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all. It was Mrs. Del Campo!"

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.

Received from Pulpit Supply.
-=+=-
[GCFL.net] Mid-Life Crisis

This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

Received from Felicity.
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Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Top 10 Items Moms REALLY Want}
From: "Roy D. Knight"

>From Dean Haggard who rec'd it from Pastor Tim Davis:

Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want for Mother's Day

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want for Mother's Day is.....

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[10 Signs You are a Frustrated Mother]
"Roy D. Knight"

In honor of Mother's Day this SUnday.............

TEN SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER

1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner.

2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question.

3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.

4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!".

5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink.

6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time.

7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you.

8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children.

9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an Angel" is just coming on.

10.You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.
[forwarded by Len Evans to Mikey's Funnies]
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SMILEAWHILE [Chief & His Wives]

An old one, but a good one still!:-)
____________________

A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully.

Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

Submitted by David Berenguer through Fishers of Grin. Remember in prayer
The General Conference of The United Methodist Church meeting May 2-12
in Cleveland, Ohio.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apology from SMILEAWHILE

The last SMILEAWHILE entitled "Chief and His Wives" contained the derogatory designation of "squaw" in reference to Native American women. I apologize for my insensivity, especially in the light of the fact that I know better. I told one reader I simply must have gotten in a hurry that day and did not editorially "clean up" the joke.

Again, I apologize.

Pastor Roy
______________________________________
SMILEAWHILE [The Head Hog]

THE HEAD HOG

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

The secretary wasn't sure she had heard right: "I'm sorry, who?"

The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"

She said, "If you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog at the trough'!"

To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $100,000 to the building fund...."

The secretary said, "Hang on, I think the big fat pig just walked in!"
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SECRET TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE]
"Rogers Family"

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to their secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband.
"We visited the grand canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'that's once.'"

"We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. This time my wife quietly said, 'that's twice.'"

"We hadn't gone a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time.

My wife promptly got off the mule, removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'that's once.'"
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[GCFL] You Know You're a Mom When...

/* GCFL wishes all Mothers a Happy Mother's Day!! */

You Know You're a Mom When...

10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door.

6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.

3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Received from Merry Hearts (http://egroups.com/group/merry-hearts)
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] He's lying & Tickets

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
=+=
Subject: [GCFL] Lamaze Class

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher...

... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Received from Leon Taylor.

-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Evil Brothers

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

Received from Julia Owens.

-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] God's left-handed

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Received from Julia Owens.
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Momilies III

This Week's theme: FAMILY!

"What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would do it for you." - Nora Ephron

Today's posting is another Laugh-A-Lot Original! If reposting to another list, you must include the credit:

Written by Laugh-A-Lot! - the clean-jokes-only mailing list. To join, send an email: laughalot@crosswalk.com Thanks!

~~~ Here's to Mom! ~~~

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE WHAT I HAVE - "It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other off, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you to the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me LOVE - "You know that whatever happens, I'll always stand behind you."

THANKS, MOM!

- Compiled and told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com

LAL! 05/10/00 - Momilies II

This Week's theme: FAMILY!

"Education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within the hearing of little children tends towards the formation of character." - Hosea Ballou

~~~ Thanks Mom! ~~~

My mother taught me about the FOOD GROUPS - "If you put one foot outside that door, you're not getting any home-made bread."

My mother taught me CONTORTIONS - "Have you seen the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me to STAND FIRM - "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "Looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "What if I yelled because I saw a meteor coming down toward you; would you jump then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR PROGRAMMING - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children who don't have have parents like you!"

- Compiled and told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com
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Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website.
Today's Clean Laugh

Eggsacting Solution

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that.."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Letter of Recommendation

When Art learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources.

"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Art found the letter on his desk.

It read, "Art worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

Fly Catch

My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.

Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.

Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.

As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said, "That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Simple Support

Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual.

I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him.

He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.

"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"

"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"



*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"Donkey Whack"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=39

"Computer Packaging"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=38

"Whatever"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=40

"Playing The Giants"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=41

"Retired Plate"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=42

Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2004 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/hazardoushouseguests.html - - Hazardous House-Guests "Has your country home been converted to an inn by people you scarcely know? Can friendship withstand a weekend stay with homeowners who long to be alone..."
http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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Facts for Features: Mother's Day - - http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/004109.html - - The first Mother's Day observance was a church service in 1908 requested by Anna Jarvis, of Philadelphia, to honor her deceased mother. Jarvis, at an early age, had heard her mother express hope that a day to commemorate all mothers would be established. Her mother had also expressed the sentiment that there were many days dedicated to men but none to mothers. Two years after her motherís death, Jarvis and friends began a letter-writing campaign to declare a national Mother's Day observance to honor mothers. In 1914, Congress passed legislation designating the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day.
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Galaxy Evolution Explorer - - http://www.galex.caltech.edu/ - - The Galaxy Evolution Explorer (GALEX) is an orbiting space telescope that will observe galaxies in ultraviolet light across 10 billion years of cosmic history. Such observations will tell scientists how galaxies, the basic structures of our Universe, evolve and change. Additionally, GALEX will probe the causes of star formation during a period when most of the stars and elements we see today had their origins.
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"The number of secret court-authorized wiretaps across the country surged by 19 percent last year, according to court records which also showed that not a single application was denied. State and federal judges approved 1,710 applications for wiretaps of wire, oral or electronic communications last year, and four states - New York, California, New Jersey and Florida - accounted for three out of every four surveillance orders, according to the Administrative Office of the U.S. Courts. That agency is required to collect the figures and report them to Congress. The numbers, released April 28, 2005, do not include court orders for terror-related investigations under the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, which reached a record 1,754 warrants last year, according to the Justice Department."
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How Spyware Works - - http://www.howstuffworks.com/spyware.htm - - Has your computer ever become so slow that you can fix yourself a snack in the time it takes your word processor to open? Spyware may be to blame. According to recent estimates, more than two-thirds of all personal computers are infected with some kind of spyware [ref]. But before you chuck your computer out the window and move to a desert island, you might want to read on. This HowStuffWorks article explains how spyware gets on your computer, what it does there and how to get rid of it.
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"U.S. Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta called the problem of highway traffic deaths a 'national epidemic' and encouraged Americans to view wearing safety belts as a form of preventative medicine. Mineta directed attention to his concern for traffic safety as he announced mixed results in the effort to reduce the number of people who die on U.S. highways each year. While the fatality rate dropped and alcohol-related crashes are down from 2003, 42,800 died on the nation's highways in 2004, up slightly from 42,643 in 2003, according to projected 2004 data compiled by the Department of Transportation's National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in a preliminary report. 'We are in the midst of a national epidemic', said Secretary Mineta. 'If this many people were to die from any one disease in a single year, Americans would demand a vaccine. The irony is we already have the best vaccine available to reduce the death toll on our highways - safety belts'. "
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2005 Urban Mobility Study - - http://mobility.tamu.edu/ums/ - - The mobility provided by the nation's transportation system is the subject of discussion everyday. The 2005 Urban Mobility Report, released in May 2005, provides data on the performance of some elements of the transportation system in 85 urban areas. Note: You will need the free Adobe Acrobat Reader to view the report on the Web.
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Choosing a Safe and Successful Weight-loss Program - - http://win.niddk.nih.gov/publications/choosing.htm - - Choosing a weight-loss program may be a difficult task. You may not know what to look for in a weight-loss program or what questions to ask. This fact sheet can help you make an informed decision about joining a program.
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"Insomniacs can now try another sleeping pill for desperately needed slumber. Lunesta, from Sepracor Inc., is the latest entry into the sleep medication market, and it has the distinction of being the only such medication approved for long-term use by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. About 60 million Americans a year have insomnia often or for extended periods, according to the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. Untreated chronic insomnia can lead to even more serious sleep deficits. Even so, most people with sleep problems remain undiagnosed. According to Sepracor, which launched the sleeping medication this month, company studies found that Lunesta did not lose its effectiveness over time, and it didn't cause grogginess the next day."
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The Gateway to Astronaut Photography of Earth - - http://eol.jsc.nasa.gov/ - - The Gateway to Astronaut Photography of Earth hosts the best and most complete online collection of astronaut photographs of the Earth. Beginning with the Mercury missions in the early 1960s, astronauts have taken photographs of the Earth. This NASA database tracks the locations, supporting data, and digital images for these photographs. Related site: Cities Collection - - http://city.jsc.nasa.gov/cities/default.htm
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"The poor are most likely to be fat, but the more affluent are closing the gap. Obesity is growing fastest among Americans who make more than $60,000 a year, researchers reported. 'This is a very surprising finding,' said Dr. Jennifer Robinson of the University of Iowa, whose study was presented at a meeting of the American Heart Association. But it 'underlines the whole complexity' of the obesity epidemic, she said. For years doctors have known that the people most likely to be overweight have the lowest incomes. Fresh produce and other healthful fare can be expensive as well as less accessible than fast food and other high-fat options in low-income neighborhoods."
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NASA: Return to Flight - - http://www.nasa.gov/returntoflight/main/index.html - - Welcome to NASA's Return to Flight page. Follow the latest news as we prepare to return the Space Shuttle fleet safely to flight.
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"Mothers across the country like being mothers, but they also tend to feel underappreciated and less valued by society, according to a study on motherhood being released May 2, 2005. Those sentiments may not have changed much for moms through the decades, but these findings come at a time when women who work outside the home and stay-at-home moms are both stressed from parenting pressures and the need to better balance their lives. The research conducted in January and February by the University of Connecticut and the University of Minnesota, found that 81% are "very" satisfied with life as a mother. But of the 2,000 mothers surveyed (41% employed full time and 21% part-time), 33% said their ideal work situation would be working part-time; 30% said working for pay from home; and 21% said not working at all."
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Triskaidekaphobia - - http://dictionary.reference.com/wordoftheday/ - - Triskaidekaphobia is a morbid fear of the number 13 or the date Friday the 13th. Why is the number 13 considered unlucky? - - http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_080.html
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Kodak: Taking Great Pictures - - http://www.kodak.com/eknec/PageQuerier.jhtml?pq-path=2/3/38&pq-locale=en_US - - Whether you want a little information about taking and shooting pictures, or a lot, it's all here! Look up a quick photo tip, follow the steps for e-mailing a picture, or explore black-and-white photography. Related site: Kodak Picture of the Day. - - http://www.kodak.com/eknec/PageQuerier.jhtml?pq-path=2549&pq-locale=en_US
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"Furry 'pocket pets' like hamsters, mice and rats have sickened up to 30 people in at least 10 states with dangerous multidrug-resistant bacteria, health officials are warning. It is the first known outbreak of salmonella illness tied to such pets and reveals a previously unknown public health risk, officials said. Many of the victims were children; six were hospitalized for vomiting, fever and severe diarrhea. Some passed the illness to others. The germ they had was resistant to five drugs spanning several classes of antibiotics. 'This is likely an underrepresentation of how large the problem is,' because others who were sick may not have gone to doctors and not all labs do the kind of tests that would detect this germ, said Dr. Chris Braden, an epidemiologist at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Salmonella infections are common from reptiles, especially small turtles called red-eared sliders that are banned but have made an illegal comeback in several states in recent years. The 2003 monkeypox outbreak that originated in imported African rats and spread to U.S. prairie dogs showed the risks of owning exotic pets."
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"When you're buying something as pricey as a new laptop, it takes courage to stray from the comfort of established names like Dell, IBM and Sony. And it's the sort of courage that can easily lead to "penny-wise, pound-foolish" regrets after the purchase. But there are cheaper laptop alternatives that don't involve a multi-thousand dollar bet on Brand X. Though the names might not ring a bell when it comes to computers, most Americans surely recognize Sharp Electronics Corp. and Fujitsu Ltd. as quality brands in consumer electronics. Both of these Japanese manufacturers, its turns out, produce laptops with all the latest options - and even a few that are scarce among rival products - yet at prices several hundred dollars below comparable machines from the 'name' brands."
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The Great Buildings Collection - - http://www.greatbuildings.com/ - - This gateway to architecture around the world and across history documents a thousand buildings and hundreds of leading architects, with 3D models, photographic images and architectural drawings, commentaries, bibliographies, web links, and more, for famous designers and structures of all kinds.
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.
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TGIF-Today God Is First


The Plans of Tomorrow
------------------------------
Friday, May 13, 2005
by Os Hillman

You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. ~ James 4:14b

A group of workplace believers meet at my office every week for fellowship, study, and prayer. One man attended our group for several years. Jim was well liked and in good health. One Thursday he showed up as usual. The next morning I received a call, "Jim is dead! He died in his easy chair last night!" Jim had no prior problems and there was no indication he was about to go be with the Lord. Naturally, it came as a shock to us all.

Whenever things like this happen close to home, it brings us face to face with our mortality. A friend of mine said he was challenged by someone to do an experiment. He challenged him to live his life for one year as if it were the last year he would live. He responded to the challenge and did as proposed. It changed his life forever. He began to focus on different priorities and people when he viewed life in these terms.

James gives us a perspective on viewing tomorrow.

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that" (James 4:13-15).

Life is fragile. Consider where you are investing your time and energies. Someone once said they had never heard anyone on his deathbed say that he wished he had made more money in his lifetime or he wished he had made a certain deal. Usually it is something like, "I wish I had spent more time with my kids." Ask the Lord to give you His priorities for your life.

Copyright 2005. www.MarketplaceLeaders.org
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To contact Os Hillman, request reprint permission, or to book Os to speak in your town write to os@marketplaceleaders.org. Marketplace Leaders Website: http://www.marketplaceleaders.org/ Copyright 2004
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Please recommend this TGIF daily devotional to everyone interested in applying their faith to their worklife. Tell them to subscribe at http://www.TodayGodIsFirst.com

Os Hillman Copyright 2004
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Verse of the Day

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. Eph 5:28 - 30 (NASB)

Bear with me for a minute; the English teacher in me is just dying to get out! Two things are absolutely essential to make a sentence: nouns (or pronouns) and verbs. Without these two, communication is reduced to just a bit more than grunts. Nouns and verbs thus become keywords … words that unlock meaning.

Now that the English lesson is over, what are the key words in these verses? Sentence 1: husbands (n) and love (v). Paul is giving us a hint at how much a man should love his wife … as his own body. Come on guys; let’s be honest for a few minutes. We really DO stand in front of the mirror and examine ourselves. I looked this morning and thought, “Hey, I think I look a bit thinner.” That made me feel good about myself. It started the day off on the right foot. Some of us look at our hair and wonder if we’ve lost another batch. I’ll admit that I look in the mirror and wonder if I have any more gray ones. (I have precious few for my age, and what I do have gives me a look of distinction – at least that’s what I think!) Granted, we don’t spend as much time gazing in the mirror as our wives … but that’s another story. We do love our bodies. We feed them regularly. We feed them what they want … whether it is good for our bodies or not – mostly not. We may exercise. We may loaf. We may dance. But mostly, we do what we love to do. Now, translate that love to your wife. Do we take as good care of her as we do ourselves? Do we give her what she wants … at our own expense? Do we take dance lessons because she wants to? Do we love her as much as we love ourselves?

Sentence 2: no one (pronoun) hated (v) but (conjunction – ties together two thoughts) nourishes (v) and cherishes (v). Basically, Paul is repeating the previous thoughts. This is done for emphasis. We REALLY DO love ourselves and take care of what we perceive are basic or pleasant needs. The really interesting thing is at the beginning of this sentence; the part I skipped: He who loves his own wife loves himself. At first blush this seems a bit narcissistic – self-loving. However, if we take a deeper look at this concept, we find that loving our wives produces results that both they and we will enjoy. It’s kind of like buying my wife her favorite ice cream cone with my last dollar. My intent is to sit and watch her enjoy it. But, she invites me to lick from one side while she consumes from the other … and we meet in the middle! The only difference is that loving our wives is much better than eating ice cream! One could say it this way: He who loves his life loses it to his wife, and he who hates his life in order to please his wife will keep it. Hey! That sounds familiar: “He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal. John 12:25 (NASB)

Paul is saying: if we really love ourselves, we will love our wives even more. The rewards are fantastic!

Harley
~=|=~
… so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. Eph 5:26 - 27 (NASB)

This is a tough one. The problem with analogies is that they can only be carried so far … and Paul appears to have exceeded the limit on this one – at least for the moment. The reason that Jesus went to the extremes that He did for the church is that He wanted to prepare her as His bride. He cleansed her. He sanctified her – that means that He set her aside as holy and righteous. He did all of this for the express purpose of making her His bride!

Imagine with me for a moment that we are in the courts of Ahasuerus, king of Persia. His wife has just offended him – severely, by the way – in such a way that his authority as king is in jeopardy. The wise men of the day suggest the only real answer … put her away and choose a new wife. This the king does. A beauty contest is initiated throughout the land, and every true beauty is taken to the king’s palace and given a free yearlong makeover … all at the king’s expense. This is the picture that Paul presents to us of Jesus and the church. The problem we face, since Paul IS talking about marriage between a man and a woman as well as between Christ and the church, is that we must find some meaning for today’s marriages. Years ago, I made the mistake of trying to apply this word-for-word … and failed miserably to communicate Paul’s intent. So, with fear and trepidation, I make a new attempt.

The obvious is out. Paul is not indicating that we men ought to pamper our brides-to-be with a year-long makeover before the wedding. Sorry gals; the spa treatment is won’t likely happen before the wedding! So what is he saying? I believe our goal as husbands is to help our wives to become the very best they can be. It might involve a spa treatment. (Do I hear a shout for joy?) However, that is only temporary. (Sigh.) What the Apostle is helping us see is the inner beauty that God has placed in our wives. That physical attraction will eventually be affected by gravity and good home cooking. It is what lays within that holds the true beauty. What I say next needs to be kept in context, fellas. We need to gently, lovingly, compassionately, tenderly, and very graciously strip away our vision of the exterior and expose the true woman that we married.

This is not an overnight event, though we may wish it to happen in the twinkling of an eye. Indeed, this is a lifetime experience. It takes foresight, insight, and spiritual vision to accomplish. It must be attempted with the greatest of sacrificial love. It requires that a man not only know his wife, but he must know his God and who he is in Jesus Christ. If God has called us to marriage, or we find ourselves in the marital state, this is our “walk in the Spirit”. This is what we must dedicate our lives to … in the power and authority of the Father. Note that I mentioned three things we must know. I did not put them in proper order, so let’s do that now.

All three must work in concert for this to be a totally pleasant experience for both husband and wife, but there is a priority. The loving husband must first know God. Without this foundation, all else is nothing but human endeavor … and human endeavor is doomed to starts and stops, hits and misses, successes and failures. If we know God, we know the ideal. Second, the loving husband must know who he is in Christ. Only when he has at least a rudimentary knowledge of this is he capable of translating the instructions of God into a viable experience. Finally, the loving husband must know his wife. He must be a student of that wonderful creature that God has given him. He must know her moods, her instincts, her strengths, and her weaknesses. This knowledge does not come overnight … and it certainly can not be crammed into a study session or two before the final exam. It is a lifetime project requiring dedication, the insight of the Holy Spirit, the power of God, and the vision of a prophet … and all of these are available to those who know God and who they are in Christ!

This is not an impossible task … just a wonderfully complex adventure with all kinds of fascinating twists and turns leading to exciting discoveries along the way – for both husband and wife.

Enjoy the trip, folks!

Harley
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Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her … Eph 5:25 (NASB)

If wives are to be “in submission to” or “subordinate to” their husbands, they must have a very good reason. Guys, physical attraction is not enough. That means that sex will not hold a marriage together forever. Nor will a woman’s innate desire to “mother” their husbands last long. Money and the things it will buy soon loose appeal, so that is not the answer. Kids? Hah! Most men leave the “little woman” to tend the children while he “entertains the boss” on the golf course. Is it any wonder the little woman is dog tired at the end of the day … and “macho man” is just getting started! So, if all of these things don’t keep a woman “in submission”, what does?

Fellow brothers, there is only one answer … and it is expensive … very expensive … and it is not found at the jewelers! Women respond to a man who is willing to sacrifice himself for her. That is usually what won the “beauty” in the beginning. That is what will keep her in the end. Paul tells us to love our wives as Christ love the church. If we stop there, that doesn’t sound too bad. Loving is fun! Loving is good! Loving is … WONDERFUL! Ah, but Paul didn’t stop there. He continued to define “love” by telling us how much Christ loved the church. “… and gave Himself up for her …” Even that doesn’t sound too terribly hard … on the surface. Certainly I can give up a bit of TV to keep Melanie happy. I can go to the nursery with her and watch as she picks out some new plants. I can dig the holes for her … even turn up a new bed if necessary. That should be sufficient. As a friend of mine says, “that is chalking up the points.” Indeed, that isn’t a bad beginning. But that is not what Jesus did for the church.

What DID Jesus give up for his bride? Let’s see. He left Heaven. He gave up His rightful place at the right hand of the Father. He left comfort. He left His spiritual realm. He became a man. He lived in the dirt and squalor and sweaty land we know as Israel. He left comfort and became the son of a carpenter … and learned the trade. He walked the dusty roads of Israel proclaiming that He was who He was … the long awaited Messiah. He suffered rejection from those very same people He came to liberate. He gave up His throne and was hung on a cross instead. He gave up eternal peace to suffer an ugly death. He gave up a perfect life to die and be buried in a borrowed tomb. He gave up all of that in order to prepare His bride for the wedding feast!

Come to think of it, turning a few spades of dirt is nothing in comparison to what Jesus did. Brothers, if you want to keep your wife in submission, you must learn to love like Jesus loved … unconditionally. Don’t get this wrong, guys. While Jesus loved the church and gave His life up for her, He didn’t give up everything and become miserable.

Jesus enjoyed life. It is easy to hear Him chuckle when He called Herod “that fox”. He enjoyed serving people. Do you think feeding 5,000 men was a drag? He enjoyed it. Did you sense the humor when Jesus walked on water to the Twelve struggling in the Sea of Galilee? The Word tells us that He was “walking past them”. He was teasing them! He was testing them to see what they were made of! He enjoyed inviting Peter to walk on the water with Him. I can see Him smile as Peter takes that first tentative step. I can hear Him laugh as Peter begins to sink … and Jesus reaches out His hand to help Peter back to the surface. Jesus loved to confound the wise men of the day. He called the Pharisees “white washed graves”. He toyed with their emotions … and then brought the high and mighty low. He loved to heal the sick, raise the dead, and make the lame to walk. He loved children! Anyone who loves children must love life.

No, Jesus was no martyr in the sense that He was miserable. He was a martyr in that He loved to serve … He set the standard of what a true servant should be. We, men, can love our wives as Jesus loved the church … we can give up our lives to share with our wives … and we can expect them to willingly submit to their loving husbands! THAT, my friends, is how to get a woman to be submissive to her man!

Harley
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c. 2005 Harley E. Hudson

If you received Verse of the Day as a forward and you wish to have your own subscription, simply send an e-mail to hhudson719@earthlink.net and request a free subscription.
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Activities and Events of Interest
~~~
12th ANNUAL ALBEMARLE BASS TOURNAMENT - Saturday, May 14, 2005
Where: Lake Columbia ? North Shore Landing
Time: 6:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Entry Fee: $30.00 per boat plus $10.00 per team for Big Bass Contest
1st - 50% of entries
2nd - 30% of entries
3rd - 20% of entries
PRIZES TO BE GIVEN IN RANDOM DRAWING
Big Bass Pot 1st - 75% 2nd -25%
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Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Saturday, May 14 and Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm daily.
http://barksdaleairshow.org/
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---Blossom Festival 5K Run - May 21, 2005---

Albemarle Team Competition ? Albemarle will pay the $25.00 "team" entry fee for up to four teams. Must have 3 or more persons on a team. An individual entry fee is also required.

Entry Fees:**
$12 if postmarked by May 14 (T-shirts to first 200 registered runners/walkers)
$15 after May 14 and day of race
$5 for Fun Run
$25.00 Team entry fee (which Albemarle will pay)(Be sure to have a Team Name.)

Contact Cindy Borne, by e-mail or phone, for the entry form.

Note:** In order to get the paperwork done for getting the team entry fee processed, you will need to get your information in to Cindy Borne by May 1st.
~~~
May 20 & 21 - Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off. Tickets and/or Information 800-482-3330. Www.magnoliachamber.com
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Albemarle Kid's Fishing Tournament, Saturday, June 11th Highway 371 Training Center - 10 am to 1 pm - Free Tee Shirts Lots of Prizes - Hamburgers and Hot Dogs. Check In @ 9:30 am - Fishing begins @ 10 am - Weigh In @ 1 pm
~~~
The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/

The Department of Defense announced the death of three Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom:
01. Sgt. Aaron N. Cepeda Sr., 22, San Antonio, Texas
02. Lance Cpl. Lance T. Graham, 26, San Antonio, Texas
03. Lance Cpl. Michael V. Postal, 21, Glen Oaks, N.Y.
All died May 7 from explosions as a result of enemy action while conducting combat operations in Al Anbar Province, Iraq.
Cepeda and Graham were assigned to Marine Forces Reserve’s 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment, 4th Marine Division, San Antonio, Texas. As part of Operation Iraqi Freedom their unit was attached to 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward).
Postal was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
04. Lance Cpl. Lawrence R. Philippon, 22, of Hartford, Conn., died May 8 from enemy small-arms fire while conducting combat operations in the vicinity of Al Qa’im, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
The Department of Defense announced the death of two Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.
04. Cpl. Dustin A. Derga, 24, of Columbus, Ohio, died May 8 as the result of enemy small arms fire while conducting combat operations in Ubaydi, Iraq.
05. Sgt. Michael A. Marzano, 28, of Greenville, Pa., died May 7 as the result of an explosion caused by suicide vehicle borne improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations in Hadithah, Iraq.
Both Marines were assigned to Marine Forces Reserve’s 3rd Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment, 4th Marine Division. Marzano’s company is based in Phoenix, Ariz., and Derga’s company is based Columbus, Ohio. As part of Operation Iraqi Freedom their unit was attached to 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward).
06. Cpl. Richard P. Schoener, 22, of Hayes, La., died May 8 in Alishang, Afghanistan, while conducting combat operations. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii.
07. Sgt. Gary A. Eckert Jr., 24, of Toledo, Ohio, died May 8 in Balad, Iraq, from injuries sustained earlier that day in Samarra, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Eckert was assigned to the Army Reserve's 983rd Engineer Battalion, Monclova, Ohio.
08. Petty Officer Third Class Jeffery L. Wiener, 32, of Louisville, Ky., died May 7, in a combat related incident. Weiner was a Navy hospital corpsman assigned to II Marine Expeditionary Force (MEF).
The Department of Defense announced the death of two soldiers who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom. They died May 8 in Khalidiyah, Iraq, when they were conducting combat operations and an improvised explosive device detonated near their HMMWV. Both were assigned to the 1st Battalion, 506th Infantry Regiment, 2nd Brigade Combat Team, 2nd Infantry Division, Camp Greaves, Korea. Killed were:
09. Staff Sgt. Thor H. Ingraham, 24, of Murrysville, Pa.
10. Pfc. Nicolas E. Messmer, 20, of Franklin, Ohio.
The Department of Defense announced the death of two Marines who were supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.
11. Pfc. Stephen P. Baldwyn, 19, of Saltillo, Miss.
12. Lance Cpl. Taylor B. Prazynski, 20, of Fairfield, Ohio
Both Marines died May 9. Baldwyn died as a result of wounds received from an explosion while conducting combat operations against enemy forces in Nasser Wa Salaam, Iraq. Prazynski died from an explosion while conducting combat operations against enemy forces in Al Karmah, Iraq.
Both Marines were assigned to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
13. Staff Sgt. Anthony L. Goodwin, 33, of Mount Holly, N.J., died May 9 from enemy small-arms fire while conducting combat operations in the vicinity of Al Qaim, Iraq. He was assigned to 2nd Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
14. Lance Cpl. Nicholas C. Kirven, 21, of Richmond, Va., was killed May 8 as a result of enemy action in Alishang, Afghanistan, while conducting combat operations. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 3rd Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division, III Marine Expeditionary Force, Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii.
15. Lance Cpl. Marcus Mahdee, 20, of Fort Walton Beach, Fla., died May 9 as a result of wounds received from an enemy explosion while conducting combat operations in the vicinity of Al Karmah, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
16. 1st Sgt. Michael J. Bordelon, 37, of Morgan City, La., died May 10 at Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, from injuries sustained April 23 in Mosul, Iraq, when a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device detonated near his Stryker military vehicle. Bordelon was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.
17. Lance Cpl. Wesley G. Davids, 20, of Dublin, Ohio, died May 11 from an explosion while conducting combat operations against enemy forces in Karabilah, Iraq. He was assigned to Marine Forces Reserve’s 3rd Battalion, 25th Marines, 4th Marine Division, Columbus, Ohio. During Operation Iraqi Freedom, his reserve unit was attached to 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward).
18. Sgt. John M. Smith, 22, of Wilmington, N.C., died May 12 in Iskandariyah, Iraq, from injuries sustained when an improvised explosive device detonated near his vehicle. Smith was assigned to the Army's 2nd Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, Calif.
19. Lance Cpl. John T. Schmidt III, 21, of Brookfield, Conn., died May 11 from wounds received as a result of an explosion while conducting combat operations against enemy forces in Al Anbar Province, Iraq, on Jan. 30. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C. During Operation Iraqi Freedom, Schmidt’s unit was attached to 1st Marine Division, I Marine Expeditionary Force.
20. Staff Sgt. Kendall H. Ivy II, 28, of Crawford, Ohio, was killed May 11 from an explosion while conducting combat operations against enemy forces in Karabilah, Iraq. He was assigned to Regimental Combat Team 2, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.
21. Spec. Steven R. Givens, 26, of Mobile, Ala., died May 8 in Balad, Iraq, from injuries sustained from enemy small arms fire. Givens was assigned to the Army's 1st Battalion, 15th Infantry Regiment, 3d Brigade, 3d Infantry Division, Fort Benning, Ga.
22. Staff Sgt. Samuel T. Castle, 26, of Naples, Texas, died May 11 in Al Asad, Iraq, from injuries sustained from an improvised explosive device detonation. Castle was assigned to the Army's 327th Signal Battalion, 35th Signal Brigade, Fort Bragg. N. C.
23. Sgt. Andrew R. Jodon, 27, of Karthaus, Penn., died May 12 in Samarra, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his military vehicle. Jodon was assigned to the Army's 3rd Battalion, 69th Armor Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.
24. Pfc. Kenneth E. Zeigler II, 22, of Dillsburg, Penn., died May 12 in Baghdad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his military vehicle. Ziegler was assigned to the Army's 1st Battalion, 64th Armor Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.
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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.
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Please remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families.
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Scheduled Activities
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Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m. Monday - Friday. At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m. Sunday at 914 N. Vine
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Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m. Union Street Station. And YOU'RE invited. Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
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Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital
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"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!
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MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm
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MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am
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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm
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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
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MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m
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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m
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MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second. Call 234-3225 for reservations.
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MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
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MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program. For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.
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Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
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Narcotics Anonymous 5-6 pm every Monday at 220 Pine street.
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TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) 5 pm every Tuesday in the Magnolia Hospital break room.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee
"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
"Information is the currency of democracy." - Jefferson
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - - Margaret Mead
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Acts 5:1-4 Psa 136:1-5 Job 14:1,2,7-10 1 John 4:16-18 Phil 4:6-7
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

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