Bug's Bleat - - GCF: Credit Card

Volume 7, Issue 17

Hello All,

Excerpts from the El Dorado News-Times:

"Great Lakes Chemical Co. officials were working Thursday to determine the source of an illness that sent 12 employees to the hospital.

Plant Manager Dan Redmond said employees gathered in the break room for a safety meeting at about 7:15 a.m. Thursday experienced nausea and vomiting. Employees were taken to Medical Center of South Arkansas for treatment and all but one had been released by mid-afternoon.

Great Lakes confirmed that the victim who remained hospitalized was transported to a hospital in Little Rock.

Co-workers of the victim's wife told the Banner-news of Magnolia that the employee who was taken to the hospital was Buddy Atkinson of Magnolia."

........"According to the Banner-News, Atkinson was taken to St. Vincent's Infirmary Medical Center in Little Rock and was suffering from respiratory and kidney problems. "

Reports this morning are that Mr. Atkinson died sometime during the night Thursday.

Our prayers are with the family as well as coworkers and emergency responders.
~~~~~
Joe Tudor had a presentation entitled “We don’t work in an Ice Cream Factory.” The fact is that working in Chemical Plants is much much safer than working in an Ice Cream Factory (at our own facility, there hasn’t been a serious injury since 2003). But when things do go wrong, they can be heartbreaking.
We don’t know what happened at Great Lakes, they’re still investigating. News stories say that all the affected employees were in a break room waiting for the start of the morning safety meeting before reporting to work.
We do know that all involved are deeply sorrowful and need our support.
~~~~~
I got to use some of my EMT skills this week when Jeremy Hughes broke his ankle just as Wednesday night service was starting.
As Jeremy related it, he went out to tell the boys playing basketball in the church parking lot that it was time to come in for service. They challenged him to a short contest and he relented. He won the contest but broke his ankle when he came down off the goal.
I put ice packs on it, pillow splinted the ankle and Tim and I took him to the hospital where X-Rays confirmed the break.
Jeremy was a pretty good patient, lying in the church nursery while I worked on his ankle and kids played king of the mountain on his head.
~~~~~
This week, I was reminded of how “Religion" has become a buzzword of people who have no idea who Christ is or what he died for. They were debating the use of technology to “clean up” movies.

Seems that the moderator and “movie studio” guest assumed that the devices were used by parents who were too lazy to control their children’s TV viewing.

Neither party ever considered that an adult might find language and/or nudity offensive. They did take calls from several listeners who concluded that only “religious nuts” would use such devices.

The "religious" thing pulls my chain. We're trapped in the worst situation imaginable.
You can't read or quote the bible in public, that would be offensive but the same people cry FOUL when I want to "filter" movies that I watch at home so I don't have to listen to their obscenity.

A friend relates; “an acquaintance has gotten death threats for daring to speak out on Christianity (he lives in a small town in the San Francisco bay area, a gay and "liberal" haven).
This is a dark age we live in. At least they aren't arresting us--yet. I've little doubt it will come to that.
On the other hand, evil is practically outing itself, so at least the choice is more obvious.”

Up is down and down is up. Seems like the end times to me.
~~~~~
Claiborne and John installed three choir mics and retuned the MCC Sound System today. They really cleaned up our wiring and soundboard organization. WOW! Everything really sounds great. Thanks to Claiborne Sharp Audio for a quick, turnaround.
~~~~~
Annette and I went to Texarkana Thursday to get an MRI of her back. She continues to have pain from a possible pinched nerve.
While there, we decided to buy each other an anniversary present. Albemarle had given us a very nice bonus due to the companies OUTSTANDING profitibility in the first quarter.
I got a 160 gig external hard drive. She got an MRI.
What? Her’s cost more than mine. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it.
~~~~~
Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Saturday, May 14 and Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm daily. Go to Barksdaleairshow.org for details.
~~~~~
This week we share excerpts from “Da Bleat” of Friday, April 21&28, 2000.
~~~~~
We’re always looking for stories as well as jokes and other contributions. Don’t hesitate to share any offerings with us.
~~~~~
Don't forget ... "Da Bleat" is now on the web. Just go to http://bugsbleat.blogspot.com
~~~~~
Feel free to share the "Bleat" with any and all. That's why we publish it.
~~~~~
www.aaa.com Regular Mid Premium Diesel
Current Avg. $2.23 $2.37 $2.46 $2.35
http://www.fuelgaugereport.com/
Gas was selling for $2.17 today at the WalMart Supercenter
~~~~~
Recipe of the week; Three Cheese Pizza - Emeril Lagasse, 2001 -


Recipe Summary
Prep Time: 2 hours
Cook Time: 7 minutes
Yield: Makes 2 (10-inch) pizzas



Dough:
1-cup warm water
1 package active dry yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons)

1 tablespoon plus 1 ½ teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
1-teaspoon salt
3 cups all-purpose flour



Topping:
1-tablespoon olive oil
6 ounces exotic mushrooms, such as chanterelle, shiitake or wood ear, rinsed well, dried and thinly sliced
1 1/4 cups thin strips prosciutto (about 4 ounces)
2 tablespoons white truffle oil
6 ounces soft mild goat cheese such as Montrachet, crumbled (about 3/4 cup)
6 ounces Fontina, grated (about 3/4 cup)
3 ounces thinly sliced Teleme cheese


Heat 1 cup of water to 110 degrees F. In a large mixing bowl, whisk together the water, yeast, 1-tablespoon olive oil, and salt until the yeast is dissolved. Add 1 1/2 cups flour to the yeast mixture, mixing by hand until all the flour is incorporated and no lumps remain. Continue adding flour 1/4 cup at a time working the dough by hand after each addition until all the flour is incorporated, yet the dough remains slightly sticky.

Lightly oil a large mixing bowl with the remaining ½ teaspoon olive oil. Place the dough in the oiled bowl and turn to coat with olive oil. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and set in a warm, non-drafty place. Allow the dough to rise until nearly double in size, about 1 hour.

Remove the dough from the bowl and briefly work by hand, separating into 2 equal sized discs. Place the dough on a lightly greased sheet pan, cover with plastic wrap, and set in a warm, non-drafty place to rest for 15 minutes, or until ready to use.

Preheat the oven to 500 degrees F.

Heat 1-tablespoon olive oil in a skillet over medium high heat. Add the mushrooms and sauté just until their juice has evaporated, stirring from time to time, about 4 minutes. Remove from the heat and cool.

With your hands, gently stretch 1 dough disc to a 6-inch round. Place the dough round on a lightly greased baking sheet, and pat out to a 10 to 12-inch round, about 1/8-inch thick. Repeat with the remaining dough disc. Top each piece of dough with half of the mushrooms, half of the proscuitto, and 1 tablespoon of truffle oil. Sprinkle the cheeses over the mushrooms, and bake until the dough is brown and the cheese is bubbly, about 15 minutes, switching the pans between racks after 7 minutes. Serve immediately.

http://foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,1977,FOOD_9936_14609,00.html

~~~~~
BREAKPOINT Commentaries
by Chuck Colson. - Prison Fellowship

‘Different Together’
The LOGO Channel
April 29, 2005

Not long ago, I talked about how some AIDS activists are finally acknowledging that homosexuals need to change their behavior. Dangerous sexual practices that are common among practicing homosexuals are putting far too many at risk for disease. These practices include rampant promiscuity and sex under the influence of drugs. Rumors of a new, highly resistant “AIDS super virus” haven’t been proven, but they were enough to introduce a more sober, reflective mood in the homosexual community. Good, about time.

But this is why the timing is so bad to announce a new twenty-four-hour gay-themed television channel. And that’s exactly what’s in the works. MTV is planning to launch LOGO, a cable channel “for lesbians and gays and just about anyone who enjoys a gay point of view,” as the publicity materials put it.

Like most channels, LOGO will feature news shows, situation comedies, documentaries, reality shows, movies, talk shows, and more. But all of them will have homosexuality as their focus. For instance, there’s a wedding-planning show, My Fabulous Gay Wedding, and documentaries about gay rugby players.

Unfortunately, the LOGO channel exemplifies the very attitude that has put so many homosexuals in danger. LOGO’s message is not just one of tolerance, but one of celebration—celebration of a way of living that brings with it tragic consequences.

The assumption of the minds behind LOGO apparently is that homosexuality is as normal, healthy, and fulfilling as heterosexuality. The advertising slogan they’re using for the channel is “Different. Together.” Now, to my way of thinking, the “together” part is highly questionable.

Together is meant to signify total equality in all areas of life. I think that’s another way of saying, “Our sexuality is just as good as yours. Our lifestyle deserves validation.”

In one sense, they may have a point, because it makes no sense and helps no one to pretend that homosexuality doesn’t exist. It is a fact; it has to be dealt with as such. But in another way, the LOGO channel’s message is deeply flawed. When you look at human sexuality through the lens of a Christian worldview, you begin to see just how far the homosexual way of life falls short. On the one hand, you have the natural way God designed sexuality to function: as part of a life-affirming, pro-child, monogamous union of the sexes. On the other hand—and this is true for both homosexuals and for promiscuous heterosexuals—you have a series of transient relationships, life-threatening diseases, anti-natalism, and broken homes. And these are hardly things to celebrate.

The debut of the LOGO channel isn’t surprising. Niche programming is the big thing these days, and the gay market means big advertising revenues. What’s more, every human being craves acceptance, and in this day and age, people are willing to do almost anything to get it. But what we all need to understand is that acceptance doesn’t come from forcing others to validate your harmful choices. The only real acceptance comes when we surrender our lives to the One who alone can meet all our deepest needs, and whose design for life is superior to any idea we could come up with.

For further reading and information:

Today’s BreakPoint offer: Subscribe today to BreakPoint WorldView magazine ($25/year). Call 1-877-322-5527.

Read more about the Logo Channel at its website.

“Gay networks, from basic to digital,” Associated Press, 18 April 2005 .

David Bauder, “ New Channels Seek Gay Audience,” The Ledger ( Lakeland, Fla.), 23 April 2005 .

“A Foray into Gay and Lesbian Networks,” WilmingtonStar, 11 April 2005 .

“Slate’s Kausfiles: Cable Network Targets Gay Viewers,” NPR, 21 April 2005 .

Mickey Kaus, “ The Coming Culture War over Gay TV ,” Slate, 19 April 2005 .

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050222, “Radical Solutions: AIDS Prevention from a Different Angle.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 050304, “No Longer ‘Just a Kiss’: As Time Has Gone By.”

BreakPoint Commentary No. 040107, “Unequal Rights: Holding Homosexuals to a Different Standard.”

Copyright 2005 Prison Fellowship Ministries. Reprinted with permission. "BREAKPOINT with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries. Prison Fellowship Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time. To receive "BREAKPOINT" commentaries daily, you can subscribe for free at http://www. breakpoint. org/.
~~~~~
Words of the Week:
rara avis: a rare or unique person or thing.
euphonious: pleasing or sweet in sound.
scintilla: a tiny amount; a spark.
matutinal: relating to or occurring in the morning.
detritus: debris.
pusillanimous: cowardly.
extol: to praise.
intransigent: uncompromising.
from Dictionary.Com
~~~~~
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." -- James Baldwin

"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone." - John Ciardi

"Politeness and consideration for others is like investing pennies and getting dollars back." - Thomas Sowel

"Intellectual 'work' is misnamed; it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward." - Mark Twain

"i thank You God for most this amazing day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes" - E.E. Cummings

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." - Albert Schweitzer

"Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat." - John Morley

"To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves." - Buddha

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GCF: Credit Card

Emailed to me by a friend list (Thanks, Donald) -Tom

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@yahoogroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
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Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Chicken Legs

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to: andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
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A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.

As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up and the chicken did, too!

They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!

Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway, leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.

The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these three-legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Husband's Estimate

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website: Subscribe
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Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Unbreakable Combs

Emailed to me from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send a blank email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
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The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,

"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Mother's Ring

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website:
Subscribe
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While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.

"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three children too?" I asked.

"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me, she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have birthstones for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center gem, "is for the cat."
_ ____________________________ _

GCF: Pilot Pride

Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website:
Subscribe
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As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
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[GCFL.net] Church Marquees

"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."

"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."

"Under same management for over 2000 years."

"Soul food served here."

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."

"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"

"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."

"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."

"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."

"To belittle is to be little."

"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."

"God answers kneemail."

"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."

Received from Rick & Jini Watson.
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[GCFL.net] Smiling At Lightning

A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.

Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture."

Received from Robert Strawhecker.
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[GCFL.net] Diagnosis

One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

Received from Dave's Chuckle.
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[GCFL.net] Disobedient Children

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had to deal with His disobedient children: Adam and Eve.

And the first thing He said to them was:

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Received from Roger AAC Cooper.
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[GCFL.net] Fashion No-No's

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals,

2. Spiked hair and bald spots,

3. A pierced tongue and dentures,

4. Miniskirts and support hose,

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,

6. Speedos and cellulite,

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins,

12. In-line skates and a walker.

Received from Ken Bowers.
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[GCFL] Adam's rib

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,

"Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded,

"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Found on the Internet...
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[GCFL] Application to Date My Daughter
-----
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?

2. Do you own or have access to a van? ____

3. A truck with oversize tires? ____

4. waterbed? ____

5. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

6. Do you have a tattoo? ____

*If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

7. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

8. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

11. Church/Temple you attend:

12. How often do you attend:

13. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi?

14. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be

If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be

The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.
Signature of applicant
_________________________________
Signature of father
_____________________________________
Signature of mother
____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi
___________________________________
Signature of State Representative
_________________________

Thank you for your interest Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Received from dadiodio.
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[GCFL] Look out for the train!
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the man from the desert, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

Received from PackyHumor (Majordomo@dardan.com).
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[GCFL] Why Men Are Proud of Themselves
/* This is only a small subset, but you get the idea! */

1. We know stuff about tanks.

2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.

3. We can open all our own jars.

4. We can make decisions without a support group.

5. We can leave a motel bed unmade.

6. We can kill our own food.

7. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

8. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

9. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.

10. Underwear is $10 a three-pack.

11. Three pairs of shoes is more than adequate.

12. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.

13. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

14. We can sit quietly and watch TV with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."

15. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

16. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

17. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends.

18. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

19. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.

20. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

21. The same hairstyle lasts for years-maybe decades.

22. We don't have to shave below the neck.

23. A few belches are expected and tolerated.

24. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

25. We can do our nails with a pocketknife.

26. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and be done in 45 minutes.

Received from farrardiana.
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[GCFL] Making the Grade & Appreciation

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do... **anything**!!!"

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Yes... Anything!!!"

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study???"
-=+=-
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Both funnies received from Steven C. Sanderson.
(http://www.staff.uiuc.edu/~aardvark/)
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[GCFL] Priests on vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

Received from Steven C. Sanderson.
(http://www.staff.uiuc.edu/~aardvark/)
-=+=-
[GCFL] Pertinent Observations for the Equestrian Neophyte

Tying your horse's reins to a post does no good if you then remove the bridle.

When throwing your saddle over your horse's back, do not let go. See Law of Inertia: a body in motion tends to remain in motion.

Forgetting to tighten the girth before swinging into the saddle gives you a whole new perspective of your horse.

Before using a crop to encourage your horse to move, be sure it is facing the direction you wish to go.

On a five mile long road with a single mud puddle in it, your horse will shy when you are most likely to fall in the puddle. Same for a single cactus in the desert.

It is a mistake to believe horses have no sense of humor. They think we are funny.

A neophyte rider need waste no time being concerned for his horse's welfare. Your horse knows all about being a horse. Concentrate on your own well being.

Horses smell FEAR. Deodorant won't help.
Received from Yona B. & Alvin Keali'i Chock.
-=+=-
[GCFL] Cheating
/* In light of upcoming finals... */

At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn't catch him (so I guess he was not TOO stupid).

One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.

So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:

10. me neither

Received from dadiodio.
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Census For The South
"The Burges"

I just received this from friends in Magnolia, AR. You might like it. In case you do not like it, I will allow you to guess who it was from Magnolia who sent it.

SUBJECT: THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH

Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: _____ Left _____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Politician

Spouse's Name: _________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: ______________________

3rd Spouse's Name: ______________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother's Name: _______ (If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name: _______ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)


Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO: _____

Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis: _____

Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO: _____

How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_) road?
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Subject: Blonde painting
From: "Ben & Trina Montgomery"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(scroll down)... I love this one ...

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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Classic Error Messages:

* USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
* Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
* Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
* A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
* Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
* DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.

(Send in your favorite computer humor: computers@laughalot.com)

~~~ Absolute Confidence! ~~~

At a computer software course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. The instructor asked the lone brave man why he would be so content to stay on board.

"With my team's software," he reasoned, "the plane would be unlikely to successfully taxi to the runway, let alone take off."

- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
(Based on a true story!)

Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member "TexasJM" for today's joke.
LAL! 04/14/00 - Clue-free Computing
This Week's theme: COMPUTERS!

"On a clear disk you can seek forever." - Computerworld button

"#define QUESTION ((2b) !(2b))" - Shakespeare

~~~ You've got a clue... not! ~~~

One afternoon, a man was sitting out on his porch enjoying the nice weather. Every few minutes, he would see his neighbor come out and check her mailbox. He begain to look at his watch, and saw it was in regular 3 minute intervals. After a while of this nonsense, the man called out, "Excuse me, miss, but why do you keep coming out and checking your mail?"

The neighbor sarcastically answered, "Well, this voice in my computer keeps telling me that I have mail!"

- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com

Send new computer jokes to: computers@laughalot.com
Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member Marie W.V. for today's jokes.

LAL! 04/21/00 - Render Unto Caesar
This Week's theme: MONEY!

If any of you recently had to write checks to Uncle Sam, (or your respective government agencies) you'll appreciate today's joke!

"I have nothing against the income tax. It's just that every time my ship comes in, the government unloads it." - Unknown

~~~ Paid In Full! ~~~

A old businessman was on his deathbed, and called for his friend to come to his side.

"Bill," he said weakly, "I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"Yes, my friend, I will," his friend replied. "And what do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
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Loving Couple
"Rogers Family"

Greetings: Thought that you all might enjoy this. Have a great day. Be careful what you ask for.

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90............ (Don't you love it????)
Warmest Regards, Tim
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Subject: You might be a red neck if. (Some different ones, maybe.)

You might be a red neck if...

1. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say CoolWhip on the side.

2. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...

3. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV...

4. If you thought the Unibomber was a wrestler...

5. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

6. If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart...

7. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...

8. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

9. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher...

10. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
-----------------------------
Euphemisms of the year 2000
It helps to keep the phone line open when you page someone.

Early 00's Vocabulary

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.
DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned"
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the "THREE-FINGERED SALUTE."
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to die in the end.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ...um...friend."
BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. --
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Subject: [GCFL] Auburn Deer Hunters
From: GCFL

Two Auburn hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. An Alabama hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck!"

Received from The Funnies
(http://www.egroups.com/list/andychaps_the-funnies)
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Dating Don'ts For Guys

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."

"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."

Received from Joke du Jour.
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Lost snack

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

Received from Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List
(http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh)
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] It Takes Nerve

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

Received from Jokes Every Day (jokeseveryday@lists.dundee.net)
-=+=-
Subject: [GCFL] Global Warming

GLOBAL WARMING FOUND AT EQUATOR

Macapa -- New evidence of global warming has been found in this Brazilian city at the mouth of the Amazon River.

Dr. Bruno Clinckerdinck, Professor of Climatology and Auto Repair at Gomer State University, said evidence of warming is "incontrovertible".

"There's lots of palm trees and stuff, plus it's always hot and humid here." Prof. Clinckerdinck, head of an international team of scientists, has been in Macapa for a month, studying the phenomena caused by global warming.

"We walk up and down the beach all day, taking air and water samples.
Then we sit under beach umbrellas and analyze the results. I'm telling you, it's frightening."

The professor then excused himself, mumbling something about "mai tais" and "nap".

Copyright 2000 Cruddy Enterprises
Blithering Idiot
-=+=-
SCIENTISTS RETRACT GLOBAL WARMING REPORT IN LIGHT OF COLD FRONT

A report validating global warming by a National Academy of Sciences panel retracted their findings only a few days after it was issued in light of the current cold front blanketing much of the country. "Never mind," said one of the researchers who worked on the study. A skeptic of the report, Professor Marvin Lynch of the University of Southern North Carolina School of Atmospheric and Animal Husbandry Sciences, felt vindicated. "I told them to wait just a few more days before concluding their report because it was going to get colder than Hillary Clinton on her wedding anniversary, but they went ahead and rushed it out," he said. The 11 members of the panel were unavailable for further comment on the report. "They're out buying winter clothing," said an administrative assistant at the academy offices.

Breaking News Beyond Repair
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Received from The McHaw List
(http://www.onelist.com/community/McHawList)

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason

It's always fun to share snippets members have sent in. We've got some members fixated on their ice cream. Send in your "money thoughts" and jokes to money@laughalot.com !

~~~ Dead people can't taste! ~~~

"Money cannot buy you happiness, but it can buy you ice cream, which can make you happy!" - Laugh-A-Lot member Tim O.'s daughter


"He who dies with the most cash is still dead ...can he eat more ice cream than me??" - Laugh-A-Lot members Danny & Michelle M.

We were soooooo poor, (How poor were you?) We were so poor...

My parents use to take us to all of the local weddings, Man, we got better at picking up the rice than the birds did.

We thought that running water was when you ran back to the house with a bucket of water from the neighbors house.

My parents had to move allot when I was a kid. One time it took me and my little brother 2 weeks to find them.

My dad was walking down the street kicking a can, someone asked "What are you doing?" and he said "Moving."

A friend came to my house in the winter and stepped on a lit cigarette butt, and mom yelled "who turned off the heat!"

My parents think a quarterback is a tax return!

- Compiled by Laughalot@editors.crosswalk.com

"Spare no expense to save money on this one." - Samuel Goldwyn

~~~ Especially at $650 a toilet seat! ~~~

A father worked as an accountant for the Air National Guard. Despite a regular adequate income he had a "poor" mindset, always unhappy about money matters and very vocal about it.

One year at an air show, in a crowd of many close-by people, his daughter looked up at him and said, "Dad, what do you do out here?"

He answered with a smile, "I pay the bills."

She looked at him in obvious dismay, looked around, looked back at him, and announced (to the delight of all around), "No wonder we're so poor!"

- As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com
(Based on a true story!)
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SMILEAWHILE [The FIrst Jewish-Christian Dialogue]

The year was 1492 A.D., and the citizens of Rome wanted to expel the Jews. The Pope, being somewhat more openminded than his followers, decided to give the Jews a chance to be heard on this question, and challenged them to a public debate. The elders of the Jewish community considered the matter carefully.

"We have many learned and erudite men among us," they reasoned, "but the Pope is also learned and erudite. By learning and erudition alone, we may not prevail. Perhaps we may prevail by common sense." So they chose the most commonsense man among them, a crusty old fellow named Moishe, to represent them. Moishe agreed, but on one condition: The debate must be held in silence, without words.

Surprisingly, the Pope agreed. On the appointed day, the Pope and Moishe took the stage and seated themselves before the crowd.

The Pope held up three fingers.

Moishe held up one finger.

The Pope pointed with his three fingers to the four horizons: East, South, West, and North.

Moishe pointed with his one finger to the ground at their feet.

After some moments, the Pope held up the elements of the Eucharist -- the wine and the wafer.

Moishe immediately held up an apple.

Suddenly, the Pope stood up and declared, "The debate is concluded. The Jews have won. The Jews can stay."

Some days later, a cardinal finally got up the nerve to ask the Pope,
"Your Holiness, just what exactly did you and Moishe say to each other?"

"First," began the Pope, "I held up three fingers to symbolize the Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Then Moishe held up one finger to represent the essential Unity of God. Okay, so he got me on the first round.

"Next, I pointed to all the horizons to indicate that God is all around us. But Moishe pointed to the ground between us to indicate that God is right here with us. Okay, he got me again.

"Finally, I held up the Eucharist to indicate the redemption of humankind through the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. But Moishe held up the apple to indicate the original sin of Adam and Eve that made that sacrifice necessary. I realized that he was right - that we are all one in Adam, and announced the Jews' victory."

Not long after that, one of the rabbis asked Moishe the same question.

"The Pope," said Moishe, "held up three fingers to say, 'The Jews must leave Rome in three days.' I held up one finger to say, 'Not one Jew will leave.' Then the Pope pointed to the horizons to say, 'The Jews must disperse into the wide world.' I pointed to the ground between us to say, 'We are staying right here!' Then," Moishe shrugged, "he held up his lunch, I held up mine, and it was all over."
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SMILEAWHILE [Funerals]

Funerals
--------------------
A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each would like to be said at their funeral.

The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who followed the path of Jesus."

The buddist said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who strived for enlightenment."

The rabbi said that he would like somone to say, "LOOK! He's moving!"
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SMILEAWHILE [The Haircut]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down ashe spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'"
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SMILEAWHILE [Good News/Bad News for Pastor]

Good News and Bad News For a Pastor
-----------------------------------
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

from Fred & Barb Sadler of Columbia, MD
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Subject: SMILEAWHILE [Taxes]

Monday of Holy Week .... and Tax Day! Coincidence, Providence, Etc.????
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

[forwarded by Becky Ayers to Mikey's Funnies, etc.]
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GCF: Truth in Advertising

Found posted in a humor newsgroup (rec.humor.funny) -Tom Submitted
there by Alan Liu (liualan@ix.netcom.com)

If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/
----------------------------------------------------

Tom's note: For those of you who are not familiar with US postage rates, the Postal Service has a ready supply of stamps which do not have a numeric denomination on them, but rather the stamps have a letter of the alphabet. When they are used, the letter assignment represents the correct postage. These "alphabet stamps" are treated as correct postage until the Postal Service can print stamps with the proper numeric denomination.
The important thing you need to know for this story is that the "H" stamp was used the last time postal rates changed in the US.
--------------------------------------------------

The New York Times website carried this story today (04/20/2000):

POST OFFICE: NO MORE ALPHABET STAMPS
By The Associated Press

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Those stamps marked with letters of the alphabet -- used when the price of mailing a letter changes -- have come to an end.

[--- 8< --- snip ---] The spokesman didn't say it, but ending the alphabet series at this point also avoids the next logical step in the series, the "I-rate" stamp. _ _____________________________ _ \ / A cynic is someone who knows \ / \ _/ the price of everything \_ / / / and the value of nothing. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: In the Dorm
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joke of the Day) -Tom
To subscribe to Joke of the Day, send an email to
subscribe-joker@send.memail.com
---------------------------------------------------

In the dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights ... dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, the REsident Assistant noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought: Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag! It was then he realized that "those crazy guys" had removed the drainpipe beneath his sink.
_ _____________________________ _
\ / You are getting old if ... \ /
\ _/ Everything hurts \_ /
/ / and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: $7 Haircuts
Emailed to be from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
----------------------------------------------------

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read:

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
_ _____________________________ _
\ / I have to take my \ /
\ _/ paycheck to the bank. \_ /
/ / It's too little to go by itself. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
GCF: First Pregnancy
Emailed to be from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
---------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / I don't know the meaning \ \_/ ////
\ / of the word fear. In fact, \ /
\ / I don't know the meaning \_ /
/ / of a lot of words. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: Reading That?
Emailed to be from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
-----------------------------------------------------

The scene: The "F" train of the subway line in New York City.

I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it. A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard (someday I may tell of the first), "Are you reading that paper?" I stood up, turned the page, sat down on the paper and answered, "Yes."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / There is absolutely \ /
\ _/ no substitute for \_ /
/ / a genuine lack of preparation. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: Computer Store
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Herman) -Tom
-----------------------------------------------------

Overheard at a computer store: "I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but it's got to be simple enough for his father to play, too."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / You're only young once, \ /
\ _/ but you can be immature forever. \_ /
/ / \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: Barber Shop
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joke of the Day) -Tom
To subscribe to Joke of the Day, send an email to:
subscribe-joker@send.memail.com
--------------------------------------------------

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Help Wanted: Telepath. \ /
\ _/ You know where to apply. \_ /
/ / \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Emailed to me from another humor list (Joke of the Day) -Tom
To subscribe to Joke of the Day, send an email to:
subscribe-joker@send.memail.com
------------------------------------------

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his
sleep."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / I am grateful that I am not \ /
\ _/ as judgmental as all those \_ /
/ / censorious, self-righteous \ people around me.
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Subject: GCF: Usher's Revenge
Emailed to be from another humor list (The Funnies) -Tom
To subscribe to The Funnies, send an email to:
andychaps_the-funnies-subscribe@egroups.com
---------------------------------------------------

A man had a ticket for the theater but when he was seated by the usher, he found that he was too far from the stage.

He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, ............ "The wife did it."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Be true to your teeth \ /
\ _/ and they won't false you. \_ /
/ / \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
Subject: GCF: New Model
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Joe) -Tom
-----------------------------------------------------

"My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine
from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a
Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years."
_ _____________________________ _
\\\\ \_/ / \ \_/ ////
\ / Argue not with dragons, \ /
\ _/ for thou art crunchy \_ /
/ / and go well with Brie. \ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>
You Need to Know
Tom Trigg

Here's something everyone should know:

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
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THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband.

Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Thanks to Daphne Roberts
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Being a Mom and a Grandma

Before I was a Mom - I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.

Before I was a Mom - I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. ! I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom - I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom - I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom - I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom - I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.! I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom - I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. ! I had never known the warmth, The joy, The love, The heartache, The wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

And before I was a Grandma, I didn't know that all those feelings more than doubled when you see that little bundle being held by 'your' baby... And remember that behind every successful mother... Is a basket of dirty laundry.

thanks to: Barbara Daniels
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Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website.
Today's Clean Laugh

Fire Test

Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Grandpa Cut Up

A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Calls to Information Assistance

Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off..

Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.

Caller: The water board please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water

Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.

Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Yes.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Eighteen

A first time prisoner is placed in his cell with a cellmate. Before long it is time for "lights out" and the cellblock becomes dark nearly silent.

Eventually a voice from across the cellblock cries out "twenty-two!" and everyone breaks out into loud and prolonged laughter. A little while later another voice calls out "forty-one!" and again the entire cellblock enjoys a hearty laugh.

The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what this is all about. The cellmate replies that they have been in prison so long that rather than tell the same jokes over and over, they have assigned numbers to them as a more efficient way to tell jokes. The new prisoner asks if he could give it a try. His cellmate says "Sure, why not tell number eighteen!"

No response whatsoever.....not even a snicker! The new prisoner is confused and asks his cellmate what went wrong.

The cellmate replies, "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Deer Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Or pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

*Eye Laugh*

"I Am Your Brother"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=26

"Download The Internet"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=27

"Hot Computer"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=28

"Grass Showdown"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=29

"Suit Sales"
http://www.cybersalt.org/g05.php?id=30

Daily devotionals are available at http://link.Crosswalk.Com/UM/T.asp?A1. 39. 17757. 1. 494611 You can access more information on Crosswalk's Fun page http://www.Crosswalk.Com/fun/! Crosswalk gives credit to the author of a joke when author is known. Feel free to send notification to admin@cybersalt.org in cases where credit has not been given to the author! -SUBSCRIPTION INFO- * Copyright2004 Crosswalk.Com, Inc. and its Content Providers. All rights reserved. Introducing www.Crossguide.Com Where Christians find Products, Services & Ministries.
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"Don't strive for recognition, but work for achievement." -- Vanessa Malone
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Madeleine Begun Kane Latest Columns - - http://www.madkane.com/art_museum_visit_humor.html - - How To Visit An Art Museum "There are many good reasons to visit an art museum. Impressing a date. Vying for a slot in the cultural elite. Some people actually go because they appreciate art. If you're a novice art fan, this is how it's done:
1. Your virgin museum visit should take place while you're out of town. That way, your displays of ignorance will be witnessed only by strangers..."
http://www.madkane.com
http://www.madkane.com/notable.html (Notables Weblog)
http://www.madkane.com/bush.html (Dubya's Dayly Diary)
Subscribe to MadKane Humor Newsletter (weekly) here:
http://www.madkane.com/email.html
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U.S. Economy at a Glance - - http://www.bls.gov./eag/eag.us.htm - - This Department of Labor site presents key economic statistics including: Unmployment Rate, Average Hourly Earnings, Consumer Price Index and much more.
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"Peanuts, a dietary outcast during the fat-phobic 1990s, have made a comeback, with consumption soaring to its highest level in nearly two decades and more doctors recommending nuts as part of a heart-healthy diet. When peanut butter and snack peanuts plummeted as Americans switched to lowfat diets, the peanut industry responded with studies showing the health benefits of peanuts. 'Mothers gave us peanuts and peanut butter. Now, we've figured out that Mom was right. But it took a lot of researchers and universities to figure that out,' said Don Koehler, executive director of Georgia's Peanut Commission. Total consumption of peanuts jumped last year to nearly 1.7 billion pounds, compared to 1.5 billion pounds the year before. The amount of snack peanuts eaten climbed to 415 million pounds in the 2003-2004 crop year, the highest since the mid-1990s. And peanut butter consumption soared to 900 million pounds, from a low of about 700 million in the '90s. The federal government's latest dietary guidelines say peanuts, which contain unsaturated fats, can be eaten in moderation."
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Hubble Celebrates 15th Anniversary with Spectacular New Images - - http://hubblesite.org/newscenter/newsdesk/archive/releases/2005/12/ - - During the 15 years NASA¹s Hubble Space Telescope has orbited the Earth, it has taken more than 700,000 photos of the cosmos; images that have awed, astounded and even confounded astronomers and the public. NASA released new views today of two of the most well-known objects Hubble has ever observed: the Whirlpool Galaxy and the Eagle Nebula. These new images are among the largest and sharpest Hubble has ever taken. They were made with Hubble's newest camera, the Advanced Camera for Surveys. The images are so incredibly sharp, they could be enlarged to billboard size and still retain stunning details. Related site: Hubble Gallery. - - http://hubblesite.org/gallery/
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Rulers of the World - - http://rulers.org/ - - This site contains lists of heads of state and heads of government (and, in certain cases, de facto leaders not occupying either of those formal positions) of all countries and territories, going back to about 1700 in most cases. Also included are the subdivisions of various countries (the links are at the bottom of the respective country entries), as well as a selection of international organizations. Recent foreign ministers of all countries are listed separately.
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"Laughter might be the best medicine for transforming the faintest of glimmers of hope into an eternal spring, reveals research at Texas A&M University that shows humor may significantly increase a person's level of hope. The experience of humor can positively influence a person's state of hopefulness, says Texas A&M psychologist David H. Rosen who, along with colleagues Alexander P. Vilaythong, Randolph C. Arnau and Nathan Mascaro, studied nearly 200 subjects ranging in age from 18-42. As part of the study, which appeared in the International Journal of Humor Research, select participants viewed a 15-minute comedy video. Those that viewed the video had statistically significant increases in their scores for hopefulness after watching it as compared with those that did not view the video, Rosen notes."
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Where Does My Gasoline Come From - - http://www.eia.doe.gov/neic/brochure/gas04/gasoline.htm - - The United States consumes over 20 million barrels (840 million gallons) of petroleum products each day, almost half of it in the form of gasoline used in over 200 million motor vehicles with combined travel over 7 billion miles per day. Gasoline is made from crude oil, which was formed from the remains of tiny aquatic plants and animals that lived hundreds of millions of years ago. These remains were covered with layers of sediment, which over millions of years of extreme pressure and high temperatures became the mix of liquid hydrocarbons (an organic chemical compound of hydrogen and carbon) that we know as crude oil. Because crude oil is made up of a mixture of hydrocarbons, refineries break down these hydrocarbons into different products. These 'refined products' include gasoline, diesel fuel, heating oil, jet fuel, liquefied petroleum gases, residual fuel oil, and many other products.
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Britannica Concise Encyclopedia - - http://concise.britannica.com/ - - From the one-volume desk reference, this reference resource is for information on the people, places, and events of yesterday and today.
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"Americans' quest for more space at a price they can afford is fueling a population boom in counties on the farthest edges of metropolitan areas, according to Census estimates released April 14, 2005. Several of the counties that grew the fastest from 2000 to 2004 are distant suburbs of major cities, from No. 1 Loudoun County in Virginia, 35 miles west of Washington, to No. 6 Henry County, Ga., about 30 miles south of Atlanta. 'This is the decade of the exurbs,' says William Frey, demographer at the Brookings Institution. 'You see the importance of way-out counties in places like Atlanta, Dallas and Denver and even in Minnesota.' This spreading out is happening after a decade when the USA grew faster than at any time since the 1960s, spurring demand for millions of new housing units. Despite efforts to contain suburban sprawl and encourage denser development, many Americans are willing to endure longer commutes to achieve their dream of owning a single-family home with a big yard."
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Occupational Outlook Handbook - - http://www.bls.gov/oco/ - - The Occupational Outlook Handbook is a nationally recognized source of career information, designed to provide valuable assistance to individuals making decisions about their future work lives. Revised every two years, the Handbook describes what workers do on the job, working conditions, the training and education needed, earnings, and expected job prospects in a wide range of occupations.
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"Flagler, Fla., located along the Atlantic coast between Daytona Beach and Jacksonville, was the nationís fastest-growing county between July 1, 2003, and July 1, 2004, experiencing a 10.1 percent population increase, according to estimates released today by the U.S. Census Bureau. Florida led all states with 14 of the nationís 100 fastest-growing counties. According to the estimates, St. Johns, Fla., which borders Flagler to the north, was the ninth fastest-growing county between 2003 and 2004, with a population increase of 6.7 percent. Half of the remaining top-10 fastest-growing counties were located in either the South or West: Loudoun, Va., near Washington, D.C., ranked third in growth with a rate of 8.1 percent; Lampasas, Texas (north of Austin), sixth with 7.3 percent; Lyon, Nev. (near Carson City), seventh at 7.2 percent; and Camden, N.C. (south of Norfolk, Va.), eighth at 7.2 percent. Rounding out the top-10 fastest-growing counties between July 2003 and July 2004 were four counties in the Midwest: Kendall, Ill. (in the Chicago area), second at 8.3 percent; Hanson, S.D., and Lincoln, S.D. (both near Sioux Falls), fourth and fifth, respectively, at 7.9 percent and 7.5 percent; and Dallas, Iowa (west of Des Moines), 10th at 6.6 percent."
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The Elements of Style - - http://www.bartleby.com/141/index.html - - Asserting that one must first know the rules to break them, this classic reference book is a must-have for any student and conscientious writer. Intended for use in which the practice of composition is combined with the study of literature, it gives in brief space the principal requirements of plain English style and concentrates attention on the rules of usage and principles of composition most commonly violated.
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"This year's college grads have an edge over the class that preceded them when it comes to that all-important first paycheck. Employers are paying more in starting salaries overall than they did with the class of 2003-2004, according to the spring salary survey from the National Association of Colleges and Employers. And there are early indications that employers will be hiring more college grads this year. NACE will release exact numbers in its Job Outlook survey next month. Sure, there are a few majors that are seeing slight declines in starting salaries compared with last year. Namely, the starting salary for computer engineering jobs is down 2 percent; and the starting pay for information science jobs is down 0.8 percent. But many have seen significant increases. Aerospace and aeronautical engineering majors, for instance, are enjoying a 9 percent increase in starting salaries; marketing majors have seen a 6 percent increase in starting salaries; while economics and finance majors are getting paid 5.1 percent more than last year."
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Currency Converter - - http://www.oanda.com/converter/classic - - This site provides a multi-lingual Currency Converter with up to date exchange rates provided from leading market data contributors and is filtered for validity. To get the exchange rates for any of the 164 currencies, select the desired currencies from the lists below, as well as the date, language, and amount for which you would like to conduct the currency conversion.
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"Packing on the pounds is not nearly as deadly as the government thought, according to a new calculation from the CDC that found people who are modestly overweight actually have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that obesity accounts for 25,814 deaths a year in the United States. As recently as January, the CDC came up with an estimate 14 times higher: 365,000 deaths. According to the new calculation, obesity ranks No. 7 instead of No. 2 among the nation's leading preventable causes of death. The new analysis found that obesity -- being extremely overweight -- is indisputably lethal. But like several recent smaller studies, it found that people who are modestly overweight have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight."
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Nolo: Law For All - - http://www.nolo.com/ - - This site helps people handle their own everyday legal matters -- or learn enough about them to make working with a lawyer a more satisfying experience -- we publish reliable, plain-English books, software, forms and this website. Some of our products have been in print almost 30 years, which is how long Nolo has been in business. Everything we publish is regularly revised, updated and improved by our staff of lawyer-editors, to make sure that it's the best it can be. We pay attention not only to changes in the law, but to feedback from customers, lawyers, judges and court staffers. The Internet is tailor-made for delivering self-help legal information. Online, we can make useful, up-to-date legal information and products available instantly, 24 hours a day. Our site provides articles on almost any legal topic, and links to other helpful websites. People who need more help can buy a book or software program, download a short "eGuide" or electronic FormKit or fill out a single legal form online. (And unlike any lawyer we know, we provide a money-back guarantee.)
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"Twenty people in the United States and abroad were arrested on charges they ran Internet pharmacies that illegally shipped narcotics, steroids and amphetamines to teenagers and other buyers around the world, federal authorities said. The arrests were the result of a yearlong investigation by six federal agencies of online pharmacies that often operate in the shadows of the Internet, with no fixed address and no way to track where they are located, Drug Enforcement Administrator Karen Tandy said. 'The Internet has become an open medicine cabinet,' Tandy said. 'Strangers are peddling drugs in your home and you don't even know it.' But with the arrests, she added: 'We've logged off some of the worst e-traffickers out there.' The drugs were shipped to buyers with little or no effort to verify ages or medical need, allowing teenagers or drug abusers easy access to addictive and dangerous drugs, officials said."
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U.S. Postal Service: A Consumer's Guide to Mailing - - http://www.usps.com/customersguide/ - - This guide will explain your options for mailing and help you choose the services that are best for you. It includes tips on addressing and packaging your mail and adding extra services. You'll also find useful information about changing your address, putting a vacation hold on your mail, and convenient places to buy stamps.
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"Fewer Americans have had to breathe unhealthy levels of smog or microscopic soot in recent years, but air pollution remained a threat in counties where more than half the nation lives, the American Lung Association said in an annual report April 28, 2005. Using data from the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, the group found that the number of counties in which unhealthy air was recorded fell significantly for the first time in six years, to 390 from 441 in last year's report. The new report covered 2001 to 2003, while the previous one analyzed pollution levels from 2000 to 2002. The association attributed the dip to cool and wet weather in the years studied, government controls on Eastern coal-fired power plants and improved vehicle emissions standards. Areas of the Southeast accounted for much of the drop in pollution."
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Safety From The Heart
April 28, 2005
Child Drivers
Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Charles McMurry.
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I would like to share a couple of child driver incidents that I have witnessed. A short time back, I was on my way up Cannon Bridge Road headed toward town. I came up behind a car that was going back and forth from straddling the center line to off the shoulder of the road. My first thought was, "It's a drunk driver," but as I neared, my thought changed to, "There's no driver!" Then, I saw my answer. The car was being driven by a child. I had not been able to see him because he had slid down in the seat in order to reach the gas and brake pedals. Now my thoughts; 'Where is he going?" and better yet, "Where are his parents?" Ever noticed there's never a policeman around when you need one?

This incident reminded me of an earlier experience that I was involved in some years ago. Back before the turn of the century, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, well when I was younger and living in Whitmire, one Saturday morning I was at a local service station getting the oil changed in my truck. I was standing out front talking to other customers and passersby when I noticed a lady pulling up in front of another business up the street about a hundred yards. She didn't park her truck, she just pulled up, put it in park, left it running, jumped out and ran in the store. Just as she disappeared in the store, the truck came rolling out into the street heading in my direction.

As it neared I noticed a child behind the wheel. A little boy, maybe three years old, was standing in the seat, hanging on to the steering wheel and attempting to drive the truck. I gave chase not knowing how I would be able to stop this full size truck that was steadily picking up speed. As luck would have it, the child steered the truck to the left, across the road, over the curbing and into a chain link fence. After demolishing several feet of the fence, the truck came to a halt. I removed the screaming child from the truck and was trying to console him, when mom came out and discovered both child and truck were missing. When she looked down the road and saw what had transpired, she was terrified. She dropped her packages and came running and screaming down the street. The child was unharmed, but I am sure it cut years off of mom's life expectancy.

When the incident was over and I had time to run through a list of ' What if ' scenarios, I was also terrified by what might have happened.
PLEASE!!! NEVER LEAVE A CHILD UNATTENDED IN A RUNNING VEHICLE. IT ONLY TAKES SECONDS FOR DISASTER TO STRIKE.

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Safety From The Heart
April 27, 2005
Eye Injuries
Today's Message is from Sandy Barclay (a Houston Albemarle employee).
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This is the time of the year when all types of outdoor activities from yard work to sports abound. Actually April is Sports Eye Safety Month. Having had some near misses concerning eye injuries while working outside, being saved by my sunglasses, now I wear safety glasses when working in the yard. Following are some tips that might save your eyesight should an accident occur.

Eye Emergency: What To Do Until Medical Help Arrives

Chemical Eye Injuries or Burns
If caustic substances such as acid, chlorine, ammonia, or pesticides enter your eye, Prevent Blindness America recommends that you immediately rinse your eye with a cool liquid that ordinarily would be drinkable. If you are near a faucet with clean, cool running water, put your head under the gentle flow and try flushing your eye. Keep continually flushing the eye for up to 20 minutes or, in severe cases, until you are able to obtain emergency medical care.

Contact lenses should be removed only after the eye is flushed out.

Eye Bleeding
Never apply pressure to a bleeding eyeball. Gently cover the eye with a clean cloth or cold compress, and seek medical help immediately.

Eye Trauma

Imbedded Object in Eye
Never try to remove an imbedded object such as a fishhook in the eye. Leave the object in place and try shielding the eye by taping on the bottom half of a paper cup or similar object until medical care is available. Minimize eye movement and possible further damage by covering both eyes. Never attempt to wash out an eye in which an object has been imbedded.

Eye Out of Socket
Never try to place an eye back in the socket on your own. Place a moist, clean covering over the dislodged eye, and gently cover both eyes to prevent eye movement and further eye damage until medical help can be obtained.

Other Serious Eye Trauma
On your way to the emergency room or while awaiting an ambulance, make sure both eyes are covered or gently bandaged to prevent further damage from eye movement. Never rub your eyes.

Retinal Detachment
A retinal detachment can be preceded by sudden onset of vision loss such as a dark curtain appearing across the field of vision. Flashing lights also might be noticed. These symptoms can mean that a light-sensitive area in the back of the eye (retina) is partially or completely pulling away from blood vessels necessary for providing nutrients to maintain the health of this all-important eye structure.

A sharp blow to the head sometimes precedes a retinal detachment, which is a fairly common eye emergency. To prevent blindness, your best course of action is to seek medical help as soon as possible so that the retina can be surgically reattached and vision restored. If you delay too long, the retina may become permanently damaged.

Sudden Rise in Internal Eye Pressure (Intraocular Pressure)
If you have sudden onset of blurry vision, eye pain, and eye redness along with possible symptoms such as nausea, you might have a serious eye emergency accompanying an increase in internal eye pressure (intraocular pressure). As with retinal detachments, your best remedy is to seek medical attention immediately. These eye symptoms can be associated with closed-angle glaucoma, a disease that can damage the optic nerve and cause blindness

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Safety From The Heart
April 26, 2005
Flying Insects
Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Ray Wiles.
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With spring here and summer fast approaching, people should be aware of the dangers posed by flying insects: wasps, yellow jackets, bees, etc.

Many people are allergic to stings from these insects and even if they aren't, multiple stings can cause health problems. Wasps and yellow jackets often build nests under boards, tarps, and pieces of plastic in sheds. Any place under a shed is a good site for a nest. I have even seen wasps build nests on coils of rope hanging from a nail in an overhead joist. Yellow jackets love old car seats hanging on walls.

If you are under a shed or in an old barn and you see a wasp flying around and you cannot see the nest, it probably is hidden under a board, a piece of plywood, or such. One should carefully move such items just in case there is a nest on them somewhere. Turning and running to get away may also cause an injury if you trip, fall, or hit your head on something. The main thing is to be very careful and to kill these insects from a distance with an insect spray.

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Safety From The Heart
April 21, 2005
No More Childish Arguments
Today's Message is from Roger Stigen (a Houston Albemarle employee).
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Many of you who are acquainted with me recognize that I work in the inspection department and from this experience I would like to impart a work-related chronicle.

Many years ago I was observing two coworkers argue over the proper way to inspect a vertical vessel. One inspector claimed that the paramount way to inspect a vertical vessel was to start on the bottom and work upward, and the other inspector alleged the only way was to start on the top and work downward. These two inspectors got into such a heated argument over this matter that they did not speak to one another for over three months.

I have a sense that a whole lot of arguments among coworkers are just as insignificant; like who is right and who is wrong in matters that would make no absolute difference. Avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. Fundamental safety regulations need to be guarded, but arguments about trivialities are not beneficial and only divide us and draw us away from our attended purpose.

Remember to be temperate to all and to practice humility. No more childish arguments!

It is honorable for a man to stop striving, since any fool can start a quarrel...Proverbs 20:3

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Safety From The Heart
April 20, 2005
Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Johnny Lawson.
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Enjoy The Spring But Beware of Some of the Traps

Beware of your mail boxes, T & D, State Newspaper holders, outside water faucets and propane tanks etc. The bees are a buzzing now and looking for unsuspecting individuals to lay their stingers into. These are the places where I have encountered them so far.

If you are allergic to the stings be sure you have purchased the appropriate med for yourself. My family did not like my bringing the wasp in with the morning paper. By the way, do not forget the other creatures such as the fire ants with all the rain we have had and the creepy crawly spiders.

Have a nice time in the yard!!!!!

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Safety From The Heart
April 19, 2005

Today's Safety From the Heart message was submitted by Frank Myers.
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Healthy Home Products
What is a pesticide?
That familiar smell of a particular cleaning product may actually be harmful to you or your family. The chemicals in many cleaning products contain volatile organic compounds. That means they become gaseous at room temperature or, when they are sprayed, become small particles that are easily inhaled.

Because indoor pollutants are not as easily dispersed as outdoor pollutants, concentrations of toxic chemicals may be much greater indoors.

Health effects from some household products can be acute or chronic. Acute effects are short-term and can include such symptoms as headaches, eye and/or throat irritation, dry or roughened hands, or even nausea.
Acute effects also include triggering of asthma attacks or allergic reactions.
Chronic effects are those long term effects such as cancer, chemicals that can affect the unborn, and neurotoxins (nervous system effects).

Change your perception of what "clean" is. Clean is more an absence of odor rather than a masking of odors with cleaning products. More evidence is showing that fragrances can also be asthma triggers or cause allergic-like reactions in some people.

Often less toxic products and/or water are sufficient for the job.
The strong products currently used may be overkill. Read about on for healthier alternatives!

Have you ever...Made a dash for fresh air after mixing two cleaning products?
The label is your guide to using household products safely and effectively. It contains pertinent information that you should read and understand before you use a product.

Did You Know?
Indoor air is often two to five times more contaminated than outdoor air.
Childhood asthma has nearly doubled in the last 20 years (American Lung Assoc.) and some cleaners may be triggers to asthma attacks.
The average home contains 25 gallons of hazardous chemicals ? a major portion of these can be found in household cleaning products. In 1999, 92% of all poisonings occurred in the home. Cleaning products are involved in 11% of poisoning exposure in children under 6 years of age.

70,000 synthetic chemicals are in production today. Many are suspected to cause cancer or other health effects, but only 600 have been adequately tested.

Scrub a dub, clean up that tub Baking soda, Borox, and vinegar may not be products you would generally associate with cleaning, but they can do the job and are better for your health since they do not create volatile organic compounds.
Formula: Mix 2 teaspoons Borax, 4 tablespoons of distilled white vinegar and 3-4 cups hot water; pour the mixture into a refillable spray bottle. For stronger cleaning power, add 1/4 teaspoon of liquid soap.

Got germs? You don't have to use commercial products to kill germs and your health. Hydrogen peroxide is an effective germ killer or disinfectant. You can use this formula to wash your hands, disinfect toilets, showers, sinks, or even to wash your vegetables.
Formula: Spray area with 3-5% solution of hydrogen peroxide (available at your local drugstore) and follow with a spray of acetic acid (vinegar). Order of sprays can be reversed and will still be effective. Source: The Safe Shoppers Bible, and Science News Online (www.sciencenews.org)

DANGER-POISON
DANGER
WARNING
CAUTION
These signal words indicate the product's potential hazard to humans, with "DANGER-POISON" being the most hazardous.
Use these words as a guide to find the least hazardous product that will do the job. No matter what product you choose, Read the Label!

Think Clean! In choosing cleaning products, it is important to consider both health and environmental hazards. For example, a drain cleaner may be very hazardous to use but has little effect on the environment once it goes down the drain.
An all-purpose cleaner with phosphates may pose little hazard to the user, but when it goes down the drain, the phosphates can create water quality problems.
The three most dangerous cleaning products in the average home are probably drain cleaners, oven cleaners, and acid-based toilet bowl cleaners. Most of them are labeled "DANGER. Corrosive." The best products are both safe to use and safe for the environment.

The table below gives just a few examples of products to avoid, health effects, and some alternatives.

Active Ingredients, Products and Uses, Health Effects, Alternatives
Ammonia
Windex, Mr. Clean, Formula 409, other glass cleaners or general cleaners
A powerful eye irritant, respiratory irritant that may trigger asthma. Chronic effects can cause bronchitis and pneumonia.
White vinegar, or lemon juice mixed with water for cleaning windows, baking soda or borax as a general all-purpose cleaner

Paradichloro-benzene
Toilet bowl deodorizers, fumigants
Possible carcinogen (cancer-causing agent)
Baking soda, white vinegar

Petroleum Distillates
Furniture Polish, heavy duty cleaners, car wax, pet flea treatments.
Eye, skin, and respiratory irritant. May also contain traces of benzene, a carcinogen.
Citrus oil-based products, cedar oil, olive oil and white vinegar, or olive oil and lemon juice Sodium Hypochlorite (bleach)
Wide range of household cleaners, disinfectants, deodorizers

Corrosive. Eye, skin, and respiratory irritant ? especially hazardous to those with heart conditions or asthma.
Borax soap, baking soda, hydrogen peroxide

A Word About Making Your Own Cleaners
There are some good reasons to make your own cleaning products.
Homemade cleaners can be less expensive than commercial ones, and you know exactly what is in the products. The basic shopping list for making your own less hazardous household cleaning products are: baking soda, borax, lemon juice, salt, soap (a biodegradable one), and white vinegar. These ingredients can be found at the local grocery store or drugstore.

Be aware there can be potential dangers to kitchen chemistry. If you choose to mix your own cleaning products, be careful. Follow these guidelines:

Only mix ingredients as directed by a reputable source. Avoid recipes with hazardous ingredients such as bleach, ammonia, alcohols, turpentine, etc.

Never mix products containing chlorine bleach and ammonia, or chlorine bleach and a strong acid.

Try to avoid making more product than you can use at one time.

That way you avoid having to store products. If you do store homemade cleaners, always mark your containers, saying what the product is for and what it contains. This is important in case a child should accidentally drink some of your concoction; you will need to tell the poison center what it contained.

Keep all cleaning products out of reach of children.

If a homemade cleaner is so ineffective that you need to use very large amounts to do a job, consider discontinuing its use.

Extremely ineffective products waste resources and may actually be more polluting than commercial products. Many home made cleaners are surprisingly effective, however.

Source: The Washington Toxics Coalition

Guides to Safer Products and Practices

Web sites:

http://bcn.boulder.co.us/basin/local/houslist.html: List of environmental and health hazards and alternatives

www.checnet.org: Children's Health Environmental Coalition, information on a safe household, alternatives, storage and disposal.

http://es.epa.gov/new/contacts/newsltrs/shopping.html: Consumer guide to safer alternatives to hazardous household products

www.environmentalhealth.org: Environmental Health Coalition,
information, Toxic Free Neighborhoods Community Planning Guide

www.DenverGov.org/DenverRecycles: information on handling hazardous waste in your home
Books:

Clean and Green: The Complete Guide to Non-Toxic and Environmentally Safe Housekeeping by Annie Berthold-Bond, Ceres, 1994

Clean House, Clean Planet: Clean Your House for Pennies a Day, the Safe, Nontoxic Way by Karen Noonan Logan, Pocket Books, 1997

The Safe Shopper's Bible by David Steinman & Samuel S. Epstein, M.D., Macmillan, 1995

Home Safe Home: Protecting Yourself and Your Family from Everyday Toxics and Harmful Household Products by Debra Lynn Dadd & Jeremy P. Tarcher, Putnam, 1997

Vendors of Less Hazardous Products:

Seventh Generation, www.seventhgen.com, All-Purpose Cleaner, Toilet Bowl Cleaner, Glass & Surface Cleaner, Citrafresh Multi-Purpose Heavy Duty Cleaner. Available at King Sooper's, Albertson's, Wild Oats, Whole Foods.

Simple Green, www.simplegreen.com, All-Purpose Cleaner. Available at Ace Hardware, Albertson's, King Sooper's, K-Mart, Safeway, Target, Walmart and Sam's Club.

Ecover, www.ecover.com, All-Purpose Cleaner. Available at Wild Oats, Whole Foods.
Planet Inc., www.planetinc.com, All-Purpose Cleaner. Available at Safeway, larger health food stores.

http://www.ci.boulder.co.us/environmentalaffairs/healthyhome/

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Safety From The Heart
April 18, 2005
National Poison Prevention Week
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Q. If I find my youngster playing with a bottle of medicine or some household product, how can I tell if he or she has swallowed some and what should I do?
A. Reactions vary, depending on the product. Sometimes the child may vomit; or he or she may appear to be drowsy or sluggish. Some of the substance may remain around the child's mouth and teeth. There may be burns around the lips or mouth from corrosive items; or you may be able to smell the product on the child's breath. Some products cause no immediate symptoms. If a household chemical or medicine has been ingested, call the Poison Control Center 1-800-222-1222. Even if you suspect, but don't know for sure, that your child has ingested a potentially hazardous product, call your Poison Control Center right away. Keep the telephone number on your phone.

Q. Why are so many poisonings related to children under 5 years of age?
A. Children under the age of 5 are in stages of growth and development in which they are constantly exploring and investigating the world around them. This is the way they learn. It is a normal characteristic and should not be discouraged. Unfortunately, what children see and reach, they usually put in their mouths. It is this behavior to which parents must be alerted. As youngsters' mobility, ingenuity, and capabilities increase, they can reach medicines and household chemicals wherever stored. For instance, when children are crawling, they can find such products as drain cleaners stored under the kitchen sink or on the floor.

As soon as they are able to stand, they can reach such products as furniture polish on low-lying tables, as well as medications in purses on beds. When they start to climb, they can reach medicine on countertops or open the medicine cabinet and get to the medicine. These products should be locked up where possible, out of the child's reach - even when safety packaging is used. Adults should never leave a medicine or household chemical product unattended while in use; children act fast and can get hold of a product and swallow it during the short time while the adult is answering the telephone or doorbell. Advise the caregiver to take the child (or product) with them to answer the phone or doorbell.

http://www.poisonprevention.org/main.html

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Safety From The Heart
April 15, 2005
Prepared by Baton Rouge Tower Employee Marcia Hardy
-----------------------------------
A few weeks ago, I came home to a nasty surprise. My front door was wide open. The new screen porch was ripped. The front gate was open. Several thousand dollars worth of possessions were stolen. My jewelry was gone, as were half a dozen trophies won at horse shows (mugs full of loose change), my Gore-Tex rain jacket and my technical backpack with a brand new ultra-light tent and other assorted goodies. The good news was it happened when no one was home, and my animals were all OK. It could have been much worse, and I count myself lucky.

That being said, what would I have done differently based on 20:20 hindsight? I'd have beefed up the locks on all 6 my of exterior doors instead of on just a couple. I'd have installed that security system I'd been thinking about. I'd not have stored my favorite jewelry in a box on top of my dresser - I'd have stored each piece in separate boxes and put the boxes in different places. I'd either deposit the loose change in the bank or store it containers I didn't care about. And as for the camping gear? Well, I would have had it stored in separate places, and hung the jacket up in the closet.

I've now done all of the above, and the $ price tag for the locks and security/fire system (with 24/7 monitoring) is a bit less than what was taken. Oh, plus 1.5 days of vacation to deal with installation, etc., missing my favorite pieces of jewelry that I'd collected in travels around the world and had hoped to pass on to family, and the knowledge that someone pawed through my dresser drawers. I haven't gotten around to fixing the screen porch.

Final thoughts - a little clutter can be a good thing. The thieves missed a pair of binoculars and a very small color TV underneath the clutter. Tarnish can be good, too. They missed the silver candlesticks and mint julep cups. If you suspect someone has been in your house while you're gone, don't go in!!! Call the police, let them check it out and give you the 'all clear'. It's their job, and if you've been burglarized, you'll be calling them anyway. If home security is one of those things you haven't gotten around to, you might want to move it up on the priority list. Statistics show that about 1 in 4 will be robbed at some point, and most home burglaries occur during the day while folks are at work. If you've got a security system, make sure it works and turn it on!

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Safety From The Heart
April 14, 2005
Today's Safety From the Heart message is from Pam Kemp.
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This is one of those stories that you really don't want to tell but hope that if you do, it will help someone else:

A couple of weeks ago my son and I were attempting to repair a chain on my garage door opener that had slipped off the track. He and I both had taken all the precautions we thought necessary to brace the ladder against one of the overhead boards in the garage and leveled the bottom of the ladder on the garage floor before he climbed up to the motor housing. I stood at the bottom to hand him whatever tool he may have needed to put the chain back on.

After a few attempts at loosening the screws to fit the chain back on, it finally fit again. He tightened up the screws, came down the ladder and told me to stand back while he pushed the button to see if the job was a success....as soon as he hit the button the chain popped off and came down with a bang. If he had not told me to stand aside I would have caught the chain with my head. Instead there was nothing under it that could be in harm's way.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we may try to save ourselves a few dollars by trying to fix things ourselves but it is better to get someone who knows what they're doing. Could be cheaper than an emergency room visit.
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TOURBUS - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -:)
-- :) :) ----------------------------------

TOURBUS Volume 10, Number 58 -- 26 Apr 2005
Tourbus Home - http://www.TOURBUS.com
Tourbus News Service - http://tourbus.com/news.html
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TODAY'S TOURBUS TOPIC: RIDER'S REVENGE #33

Hi all... It's been quite a while since the last Rider's Revenge issue, where I share sites that fellow Tourbus riders think are useful, fun, cool or otherwise worthy of attention. If you have a favorite site that's possibly of interest to an global audience, send it along for the next Rider's Revenge. Read on!

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Blunder Down Under
--------------------

Daniel from Australia proffered the following:

Hi there Bob, I hopped off the Bus for a while then wondered what was missing in my life. Hopped back on and the planets came back into alignment. I thought I would mention a site for you to check out. It's called 'Braingle' and is a brain teaser web site.

The creator of the site wanted to create a site that contained all the brain teasers that have ever been written (yep, huge job) but many people began writing their own teasers and submitting them. I started off as just a lowly user there and it is one of the only sites I have ever really 'stuck' to as a regular visitor.

http://www.braingle.com

RELATED NEWS : http://tourbus.com/online-games-news.html
RELATED LINKS: http://tourbus.com/best_games.html

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Star-Struck South of the Equator
----------------------------------

Ken from Auckland, New Zealand opined thusly:

Bob, I've been riding the Tourbus for quite a number of years, so thanks to you and Patrick. I enjoy a site called "Heavens Above" which is an amazing site and well worth sharing, so am passing it on. Kind regards and many thanks for your help.

http://www.heavens-above.com

RELATED NEWS : http://tourbus.com/astronomy-news.html
RELATED LINKS: http://tourbus.com/best_astronomy.html

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I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me
-------------------------------------------

Deputy Watson, presumed to be in NY State, offered up this:

This is a live cam website from a lot of cities. You can go to the Chicago site and wait for the Sears Tower to show up, the top is orange and blue. Just thought the Tourbus folks might like to see these cameras. But be careful they are addicting!!

http://www.earthcam.com/metrocams

RELATED NEWS : http://tourbus.com/webcam-news.html

DRIVER'S NOTE: This *is* a really cool site. These images from all over the world are updated every few seconds, so you can watch the traffic and pedestrians moving about on city streets.

----------------------
Blah, Blagh, Blog...
----------------------

Ken Leebow from Marietta, GA said:

I've created a new blog called Blogging About Blogs. I'm reporting on incredible blogs. I think it's a much needed service, as it's difficult to find the ones that are worth reading.

http://bloggingaboutblogs.blogspot.com.

RELATED NEWS : http://tourbus.com/blog-news.html

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Wouldja Take Fifty Cents For That?
------------------------------------

Doug in Boise, ID wrote:

Hey Bob, Thanks for years of great reading and help! I've created a free site for fundraising via a yard sale. All the price tags, reports, etc. are custom generated PDF output. The tags print out on standard mailing labels, and you can even place a bar code on them. The site grew out of a project I created for my neighbor's "Mother's of Twins Club" bi-annual fundraiser.

http://www.gyrosale.com/

RELATED NEWS : http://tourbus.com/yard-sale-news.html

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Very Strange Things
---------------------

I want to remind you about a fun feature on the TOURBUS website. "Very Strange Things on the Web" is a collection of links to offbeat sites that are fun, amusing or just bizarre. All in good taste, of course. In the recent past we featured "French Guy With Bike Horns Plays Classical Music" and "Death of a Printer". Today, we proudly feature The Official Dryer Lint Page.

Very Strange Things - http://www.tourbus.com/bizarre.htm

That's all for now, see you next time! -- Bob Rankin
+---------------------------------------+
==[ Tourbus Rider Information ]=
The Internet Tourbus - U.S. Library of Congress ISSN #1094-2238
Copyright 1995-2005, Rankin & Crispen - All rights reserved
Tourbus News Service - http://tourbus.com/news.html
Subscribe, Signoff, Archives, Free Stuff and More at the
Tourbus Website - http://www.TOURBUS.com
========================
.~~~. ))
(\__/) .' ) )) Patrick Douglas Crispen
/o o \/ .~
{o_, \ { crispen@netsquirrel.com
/ , , ) \ http://www.netsquirrel.com/
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Our Church, Magnolia Christian Center, has the following mission statement. Our purpose is to build a great church for the glory of God through the great commission and the great commandment. MCC' Vision - That MCC will be a place hopping with children, energized with teenagers, balanced with diversity and transformed by the power of God! We want to turn uninterested people into interested people and win the lost to make fully devoted followers of Christ.
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Doctor sparks debate over CPR
Physician advocates continuous chest compressions
By Robert Bazell - Correspondent - NBC News
April 26, 2005

TUCSON, Ariz. - Each year, 600,000 people die in the United States when their heart suddenly stops beating and professional help does not arrive in time. That's why for 40 years the Red Cross and the American Heart Association have been teaching citizens to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) with a combination of 15 chest compressions then two breaths in the mouth.

But Dr. Gorden Ewy is out to prove that CPR ? as it is done now ? is a gigantic failure.

"What's at stake?" asks Ewy, director of the Sarver Heart Center at the University of Arizona. "Thousands of people's lives. Doing it right, advancing medicine. I mean, what's medicine all about?"

Ewy says the big problem with CPR as it is currently practiced is those breaths to the mouth, which interrupt chest compressions. During that interruption, he says, the critical flow of blood to the brain also gets interrupted.

And more important, surveys show most people won't blow into a stranger's mouth.

What's the right way to perform CPR? Ewy says it is simple, continuous chest compression ? 100 times a minute ? with no breaths.

Ewy has convinced the city of Tucson, Ariz., to start teaching classes with his new method. He not only persuaded the public in Tucson, he also convinced the fire department and the paramedics that his was the right way to do CPR.

"The paramedics in the field are reporting that it's an easier way to resuscitate code arrests and they are seeing a lot better response from the patients," saysJoe Gulotta, deputy chief of the Tucson Fire Department.

So far, the Red Cross and American Heart Association are staying with the old method.

"You know, there's a huge investment of 40 years of doing it that way," says Ewy. But he believes the world will eventually see things his way, and save a lot of lives.
© 2005 MSNBC Interactive
© 2005 MSNBC.com
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7642998/
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Chemical plants vulnerable to terror attack
EPA finds leaks at 123 plants could affect millions
By Pete Williams - Justice correspondent - NBC News
April 27, 2005

WASHINGTON - When a hose broke on a chlorine tank near St. Louis two years ago, dangerous gas spread quickly, forcing evacuations and sending dozens to the hospital. Federal investigators later discovered that plant workers couldn't do much, because their safety equipment was stored too close to the leaking tank.

That lack of readiness, safety experts told Congress Wednesday, is so widespread that chemical sites are sitting ducks for terror attacks.

"If companies have not maintained their first line of response with regard to a potential release, then the public is exposed," says Carolyn Merritt, an investigator with the U.S. Chemical Safety Board.

How bad is the problem? The Environmental Protection Agency says it found 123 chemical plants where a release would threaten more than 1 million people.

But government safety inspectors say most communities: Are not ready to handle even small releases; Have no system for getting warnings out other than going door-to-door; Don't know whether to order residents to stay home or leave; In evacuations, often don't give clear instructions, leaving some to head for the toxic clouds.
A former Bush White House terrorism adviser told Congress Wednesday that the administration hasn't done enough.

"I think it is safe to say that the federal government has made, itself, no material reduction in the inherent vulnerability of this target set since 9/11," Richard Falkenrath told the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs.

The chemical industry encourages plants to voluntarily improve their security, but now actually supports more government regulation, saying it would standardize security and make all companies share the burden equally.

Many at the Homeland Security Department believe voluntary improvements have done all they can and Congress should set mandatory safety rules for an industry that is so vulnerable.

© 2005 MSNBC Interactive
© 2005 MSNBC.com
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7656745/
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Today, when I woke, I suddenly realized this is the very best day of my life..... ever!.

I admit there were times when I wondered if I would make it until today; but I did! And because I did, I'm going to celebrate!

I am going to celebrate what an unbelievable life I have had so far: the friends, my family, the accomplishments, the laughs, the many blessings and, yes, even the hardships and trials because they have served to make me stronger, wiser and more understanding.

I am going to walk through today with my head held high and with a happy heart. I will marvel at God's seemingly simple gifts: sun, flowers, trees, birds and every other normally unnoticed miracle. Today, none of these will escape my notice. Today, I will go out of my way to share my excitement for the life God gave me with as many people as I possibly can. I am going to make someone smile and others laugh. I will look for and do my best to perform an unexpected act of kindness for someone who I do not know. Today, I am going to give a sincere compliment to someone who appears depressed or lonely. Today I am going to tell at least one child how special she or he is. I am going to tell others I love how deeply I care for them and try my best to express just how much they truly mean to me.

Today is the day I resolve to quit worrying about what I don't have and start appreciating more all the things God has already given me. I will remember that to worry is just a waste of my time because my faith in God and His divine plan ensures me that everything will be just fine. I will say over and over to myself that I have more than I need.

And tonight, before I go to bed, I am going to go outside and raise my eyes to the heavens. I will stand in awe of the beauty of the stars and that full moon we are all seeing, and I will give thanks to God for these magnificent treasures.

Tonight when I go to bed and lay my head on my pillow, I will remember to thank God for the best day of my life. I will then sleep the sleep of a contented child, excited with expectation because I know that tomorrow is going to be the best day of my life....ever!

It would be great if you could share this happiness with me. Please join me today to celebrate the best day of your life...ever!

Thanks to Trina Montgomery
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Dear God:

Why didn't you save the school children at ?.

Moses Lake, Washington 2/2/96
Bethel, Alaska 2/19/97
Pearl, Mississippi 10/1/97
West Paducah, Kentucky 12/1/97
Stamps, Arkansas 12/15/97
Jonesboro, Arkansas 3/24/98
Edinboro, Pennsylvania 4/24/98
Fayetteville, Tennessee 5/19/98
Springfield, Oregon 5/21/98
Richmond, Virginia 6/15/98
Littleton, Colorado 4/20/99
Taber, Alberta, Canada 5/28/99
Conyers, Georgia 5/20/99
Deming, New Mexico 11/19/99
Fort Gibson, Oklahoma 12/6/99
Santee, California 3/5/01 and
El Cajon, California 3/22/01?

Sincerely,

Concerned Student
-----------------------------------------------------
Reply:

Dear Concerned Student:
I am not allowed in schools.

Sincerely,
God
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The Resume of Jesus Christ

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications
I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)
I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)
I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)
I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)
The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

Occupational Background
I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

Skills Work Experiences
Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

Educational Background
I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments

I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).
I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!
There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References
Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance

In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

Thanks to David & Martha Godwin
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TGIF-Today God Is First


Tests of the Heart
-------------------------------
by Os Hillman

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. ~ Deuteronomy 8:2

Has God performed a heart test on you lately? There are times in our lives when God leads us into the desert in order to let us find out what is in our heart. These times can be very difficult and humbling. They can test our mettle like no other time. Desert times often mean we are living without those things we are normally accustomed to: water, food, limited supplies-and with few comforts. In modern terms, it may mean a different environment. God is performing a very important work during these times. He wants to know if we can be obedient to Him in these times; or will we be obedient only when times are good?
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you (Deuteronomy 8:3-5).

These desert times may mean experiencing new ways of provision from the Lord. Like manna from Heaven, it may mean seeing miracles we've never seen before. Like clothing that never wears out, it may mean seeing your normal capabilities expanded. Like walking hundreds of miles without pain, desert experiences provide new lessons and new experiences that only these times can teach us.

What desert experience has He brought into your life lately? Perhaps it is a lean time in business. Perhaps it is a new environment. Whatever it is, when God decides to bring new disciplines into our lives by bringing us into the desert, do not fear the heat that is sure to come. He is walking beside you in order to test you and find out what is really in your heart. Ask for His grace to pass the test. He wants to bring all of His children into the Promised Land.

Copyright 2005. www.MarketplaceLeaders.org
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To contact Os Hillman, request reprint permission, or to book Os to speak in your town write to os@marketplaceleaders.org. Marketplace Leaders Website: http://www.marketplaceleaders.org/ Copyright 2004
--------------------------------------------------
Please recommend this TGIF daily devotional to everyone interested in applying their faith to their worklife. Tell them to subscribe at http://www.TodayGodIsFirst.com

Os Hillman Copyright 2004
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… always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father … Eph 5:20 (NASB)

“Your home is more than just a house. It is your cocoon for comfort and joy,” reads the web page for Gracious Living Interiors, a furniture company. What does gracious mean? I’m sure the writers of that sales tool intend for us to understand it as “elegant and comfortable” as the Encarta Dictionary: English (North America) says in definition number 3. But what do you think definitions number one and two indicate? “1. kind and polite: full of tact, kindness, and politeness” and “2. condescendingly polite: condescendingly indulgent and generous to perceived inferiors”. We could move on to number four as well: “4. having divine grace: Christianity displaying divine grace or mercy, or compassion”. Three out of for definitions have to do with some form of social behavior. Isn’t that interesting? What do you think of when you read the word “gracious”? I’ll freely admit, I think of gracious with a sense of thanksgiving or thankfulness.

Melanie and I sat down to an evening meal a few minutes ago. Before we dove into a plate full of spaghetti, we said “grace” … that is, we gave thanks to the Father for our food. If I am gracious, I am a thankful person. Someone does me a kindness, I say “thank you”. Someone gives me a gift, the proper response is “thank you”. Even the abbreviated “thanks” is acceptable in most cases, though often overlooked. Americans used to be the most “gracious” people around, do you think that still fits us as a whole?

Paul tells us, after we have sung for a while, to give thanks or “all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father …” That looks simple enough.
Thank you Father, in Jesus Name, for my wonderful wife, kids, car, house …

Wait a minute! What’s this about “all things”? Does that include that bad case of poison ivy? The auto accident? The broken legs? The death of a spouse or child? ALL things? What is this? Surely Paul is being mistranslated here. There has to be a mistake. A quick search for the phrase “all things” in the New American Standard Bible returns 116 occurrences. Many of those occurrences are positive, but some are strikingly similar to the “all things” in today’s verse. 1 Corinthians 6:12 reports that “all things are permissible, but not all things are profitable”. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says that love endures “all things” (implication: even the bad things). Romans 8:28 tells us that God uses “all things” for our good. Again, the implication is that even the bad works toward our benefit. Peter informs us that God must be glorified in “all things”. (1 Peter 4:11)

It seems safe to assume that Paul means “everything, both good and bad” when he says “all things”. So, yes, we must learn to thank God for the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly, the life giving and the life draining, for in doing so, God is glorified – His beauty and graciousness is seen through these happenings. “How?” you may ask. How is God glorified in the death of a young man? Let me briefly tell you a story that illustrates this point perfectly.

Sam (not his real name) was a young veteran of the U.S. Navy. He was raised a Christian, but frequently stumbled in his daily walk. At a church conference, he once again gave his life to the Lord … and a few days later was killed in a motorcycle accident. Everyone in town was shocked. “How could this be? How could God do such a thing?” was frequently asked. The answer lies in the reaction of Sam’s parents. Glenn and Samantha (again pseudonyms) stood before the whole community as pillars of faith. The Gospel was preached at Sam’s funeral. People saw how godly people look at death. Sam was released from his sinful burdens. He was in Heaven with his Lord. His parents rejoiced that Sam would never again fall from God’s grace. They demonstrated what Paul meant by giving thanks for “all things”.

No, it’s not easy. It wasn’t easy for Glenn and Samantha. It won’t be easy for us … but we must continually trust God and believe that He not only can, but will make it all turn out to His glory. That is how we walk in Christ … being filled with God’s Holy Spirit … being drunk on Him.

Harley
~==~
… speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord … Eph 5:19 (NASB)

Who was it that Joshua sent before the army as they marched around Jericho? Who did Jehoshaphat put in front of the army as they marched out to meet the armies of Ammon, Moab, and Seir? In both cases, the battles ended in great victory. The walls of Jericho crumbled. The Ammonites, Moabites, and inhabitants of Seir turned on each other … and Israel won the battle without lifting a sword. Who was it? That’s right. Joshua put the trumpeters first. Jehoshaphat put the singers in front. Who did the servants of Saul look for to calm him when evil spirits overpowered him? They sought a young musician named … David, and the beasts that haunted Saul were stilled as David plucked his harp and sang psalms.

I don’t think it is accidental that Paul places music first in the list of things that result from being “filled with the Spirit”. Someone said that music is the language of the soul. Music plays an important part in every culture. Musical instruments have been crafted since the onset of time, and singing was a natural outgrowth of verbal praise to God. Who was “third in command” in heaven before time began? That’s right, this individual was a musician of great renown … we know him now as “satan”. He has perverted the great gift God gave him and uses it to destroy. Still, God uses music to touch the souls of men.

So, Paul tells us to “speak to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs” as a result of the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Some people have tried to classify these three types of music according to today’s standards. This seems to be a stretching of the meaning Paul intends. It seems that the Apostle is simply telling us to minister to each other … and God … with our voices. You know that I am touched by music. We all are. Music can make us laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice, bow our knees in awe, and dance for joy. Few people have a distinct distaste for all types of music. While some may dislike “country” music, others love it. Though some thrive on “classical”, others are moved by the beat of “heavy metal”. If we were not moved by music, radio would be filled with nothing but talk shows! Yet, the vast majority of radio stations are music oriented. Paul wants us to move one another with melodious sounds. Can you imagine what would happen if the next time you have an argument with your spouse or children you broke into song and sang your argument? It wouldn’t be long before laughter filled the room!

But Paul does not stop with singing to one another. He continues, “… singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord …” That is why a major part of our worship services are filled with song. We sing happy songs telling of what God has done for us. We sing worship songs praising the one who has blessed us so much. We sing invitations, pleading with the lost to turn to Christ for salvation. We sing meditative songs focusing our thoughts on the sacrifice of Jesus before partaking in the Lord’s Supper.

Friends, let us spend more time making melody to the Lord and speaking to one another in song. Let us worship together as we praise the King of all Kings. Let us lead each other into a deeper relationship with God … and let us do it in song!

Harley
~==~
… speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord; always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father; and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Eph 5:19 - 21 (NASB)

Music creates order out of chaos: for rhythm imposes unanimity upon the divergent, melody imposes continuity upon the disjointed, and harmony imposes compatibility upon the incongruous. – Yehudi Menuhin

Sir Yehudi Menuhin was a British violinist and conductor, so it stands to reason that he knows what he is talking about. Take a look at what he said: Music creates order out of chaos. In a way, isn’t that what God expects of the church? Aren’t we to bring order out of the chaos satan has created in this world? And how are we to do that? We do it the same way Menuhin created symphonic sounds. …for rhythm imposes unanimity upon the divergent …Rhythm, that’s the steady drum beat that keeps the dancers united in movement, keeps the band marching in lock-step down the parade route, and keeps the army united as it marches to the front. Rhythm, the Gospel of Jesus Christ, the foundational doctrines that unite all believers in the faith. All Christians believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior. True believers know that He was virgin born, lived to bring birth to the Church, and died a sacrificial death that everyone who calls upon Him might be saved.

… melody imposes continuity upon the disjointed … Melody, that is the lead line of a song that give motion to the words. Melody is what most people sing, whether it is a simple melody or a complicated melody, everyone can recognize a song by its melody – and even if the words are not sung every time, they are still there in the recesses of the mind. Melody is the love of God, the single theme that sings forth from Genesis to Revelation. It is that love that binds us all together, red or yellow, black or white, Catholic, or Baptist, or Pentecostal, or Episcopalian. Love is the single item that the world can see in the Church … and sing along with.

…and harmony imposes compatibility upon the incongruous. Harmony, the related notes that give depth and interest to the simplest melody. Think for a minute about the song Silent Night. That is a simple melody, yet we have heard it sung by choirs that add rich harmony to make the simple, haunting strains even more beautiful. Harmony, the word implies unity in spite of differences. Basses, tenors, altos, and sopranos all singing different notes, adding different sounds and temperament, all being themselves, yet each is adding something to the whole. Sometimes it is the soprano line that carries the melody, sometimes the bass, but always the sounds merge to make something pleasant to the ear of the listener. Harmony is the work of the Holy Spirit, conducting the divergent members of the Church choir into a harmonious blend that is pleasing to the ear of God. Just as some forms of music destroy harmony and creates chaos, satan chooses to attack the Holy Spirit in an effort to destroy the harmony of the church resulting in world-wide chaos.

What does all of this have to do with today’s verses? Read them again. Where does Paul begin in his discussion of “being filled with the Holy Spirit”? That’s right. He begins with music. We’ll take a closer look at today’s verses next time.

Harley
~==~
c. 2005 Harley E. Hudson

If you received Verse of the Day as a forward and you wish to have your own subscription, simply send an e-mail to hhudson719@earthlink.net and request a free subscription.
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Activities and Events of Interest
~~~
12th ANNUAL ALBEMARLE BASS TOURNAMENT - Saturday, May 14, 2005
Where: Lake Columbia ? North Shore Landing
Time: 6:00 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Entry Fee: $30.00 per boat plus $10.00 per team for Big Bass Contest
1st - 50% of entries
2nd - 30% of entries
3rd - 20% of entries
PRIZES TO BE GIVEN IN RANDOM DRAWING
Big Bass Pot 1st - 75% 2nd -25%
~~~
Annual Barksdale Air Force Base Air Show. 10 am to 4 pm, Saturday, May 14 and Sunday, May 15. Blue Angels will perform at 3 pm daily.
http://barksdaleairshow.org/
~~~
---Blossom Festival 5K Run - May 21, 2005---

Albemarle Team Competition ? Albemarle will pay the $25.00 "team" entry fee for up to four teams. Must have 3 or more persons on a team. An individual entry fee is also required.

Entry Fees:**
$12 if postmarked by May 14 (T-shirts to first 200 registered runners/walkers)
$15 after May 14 and day of race
$5 for Fun Run
$25.00 Team entry fee (which Albemarle will pay)(Be sure to have a Team Name.)

Contact Cindy Borne, by e-mail or phone, for the entry form.

Note:** In order to get the paperwork done for getting the team entry fee processed, you will need to get your information in to Cindy Borne by May 1st.
~~~
May 20 & 21 - Magnolia Blossom Festival & World Championship Steak Cook-Off. Tickets and/or Information 800-482-3330. Www.magnoliachamber.com
~~~
Albemarle Kid's Fishing Tournament, Saturday, June 11th
Highway 371 Training Center - 10 am to 1 pm - Free Tee Shirts
Lots of Prizes - Hamburgers and Hot Dogs.
Check In @ 9:30 am - Fishing begins @ 10 am - Weigh In @ 1 pm
~~~
The Emancipation Proclamation will be on display at the Clinton Library September 22-25, 2007.
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"September 11 WDYTJWD" W. P. Florence
Justice first, then peace."
"September 11" Never forget.--Tony Moses
"ONE NATION UNDER GOD ...the only way"--Phillip Story
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself." -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
"Keeping my head down but face toward Heaven" - - Jody Eldred, ABC News Cameraman in Kuwait
"Remember Pearl Harbor? Remember 9/11!" --"Bug"
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. - - George Carlin
"Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!" - - Queen E. Watson
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NEVER FORGET! We're listing the names of our soldiers killed weekly. These records can be found at http://www.defenselink. mil/releases/

01. Pfc. Gavin J. Colburn, 20, of Frankfort, Ind., died April 22 along a supply route in Iraq when an improvised explosive device detonated near his convoy vehicle. Colburn was assigned to the Army Reserve's 542nd Transportation Company, Kingsbury, Ind.

02. Pfc. Robert A. Guy, 26, of Willards, Md., died April 21 as a result of a non-hostile incident near Al Karmah, Iraq. He was assigned to 3rd Battalion, 8th Marine Regiment, 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Lejeune, N.C.

03. Sgt. Anthony J. Davis Jr., 22, of Long Beach, Calif., died April 23 in Mosul, Iraq, when a vehicle-borne improvised explosive device detonated near his Stryker military vehicle. Davis was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 24th Infantry Regiment, 1st Brigade, 25th Infantry Division (Stryker Brigade Combat Team), Fort Lewis, Wash.

04. Hospitalman Aaron A. Kent, 28, of Portland, Oregon, died Apr. 23, from an improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations near Fallujah, Iraq. Kent was assigned to 2nd Marine Division, II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward), Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.

05. Spc. Robert W. Defazio, 21, of West Babylon, N.Y., died April 24 in Kandahar, Afghanistan, of non-combat related injuries. Defazio was assigned to the 23rd Ordnance Company, Miesau, Germany.

06. Spc. Gary W. Walters Jr., 31, of Victoria, Texas, died April 24 in Baghdad, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Walters was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 9th Field Artillery Regiment, 3rd Infantry Division, Fort Stewart, Ga.

07. Cpl. Kevin W. Prince, 22, of Plain City, Ohio, died April 23 in Baghdad, Iraq, of injuries sustained in Iskandariyah, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Prince was assigned to the 2nd Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, Calif.

08. 1st Sgt. Timmy J. Millsap, 39, of Wichita, Kan., died April 25 in Baghdad, Iraq, of injuries sustained in Taji, Iraq, when an improvised explosive device detonated near his HMMWV. Millsap was assigned to the 70th Engineer Battalion, 3rd Brigade, 1st Armored Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

09. Spc. David L. Rice, 22, of Sioux City, Iowa, died April 26 in Balad, Iraq, of injuries sustained in Muqdadiyah, Iraq, when his HMMWV rolled over. Rice was assigned 1st Battalion, 5th Field Artillery Regiment, 1st Infantry Division, Fort Riley, Kan.

10. Sgt.1st Class Allen C. Johnson, 31, of Los Molinos, Calif., died April 26 in Khanaqin, Afghanistan, of injuries sustained when enemy forces using small arms fire attacked his patrol. Johnson was assigned to 1st Battalion, 7th Special Forces Group, Fort Bragg, N.C.

11. Pvt. Robert C. White III, 21, of Camden, N.J., died April 23 at Kandahar Airfield, Afghanistan, of non-combat related injuries. White was assigned to the 864th Engineer Battalion, 555th Maneuver Enhancement Brigade (Provisional), Fort Lewis, Wash.
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Remember that for every soldier killed in modern war, 10 are wounded. Don't forget to pray for them and their families.
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Please remember to pray for the American soldiers stationed everywhere around the globe and especially in Iraq. Times have been and are very tough and it would be nice if you would all just say a prayer for their safety and for their families.
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Scheduled Activities
~~~
Alcoholics Anonymous meets at 8 p.m. Monday - Friday. At noon on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays and at 7 p.m. Sunday at 914 N. Vine
~~~
Columbia County Amateur Radio Club meets Every second Thursday @ 7:00 p.m. Union Street Station. And YOU'RE invited. Net is every Sunday at 20:30 on 147.105.
~~~
Columbia County Diabetes Support Group - Every third Monday, 7:00 p.m. room 222, Magnolia Hospital
~~~
"Focus on the Family" with Dr. James Dobson weekday afternoons at 1 PM on KVMA am 630 it's a great show!
~~~
MCC - Abraham Prayer - Sunday at 5:00 p.m and Wednesday from 11:30 am to 1:00 pm
~~~
MCC - Early Morning Prayer - Monday - Friday, From 6:30 am to 8:00 am
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MCC - "Beth Moore" Video Class - Thursday nights at 5:45 pm
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MCC - "Faith Builders" Small group meets at 1051 Columbia 36 the second and fourth Tuesdays, 6:30 pm to 7:45 pm.
~~~
MCC - Firm Foundations Class, Sunday 9:30 to 10:15 a.m
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MCC - Meadow Brook Nursing Home Ministry Tuesday from 10:00 to 11:00 a.m
~~~
MCC - Mom's Day Out - Every Tuesday and Thursday from 9 to 2.$10 for the first child, $5 for the second. Call 234-3225 for reservations.
~~~
MCC - Nursing Home Ministry - Meadowbrook Every Tuesday from 10 to 11 am. Taylor, the last Thursday each month.
~~~
MCC - Over comers: Fridays @ 7:00 p.m- Director, Traci Foster invites you to a 12 step Christian support program. For anyone with a life controlling problem. Child care is provided.
~~~
Men's Prayer Breakfast held every Tuesday morning at 6 AM in Miller's Cafeteria. If you aren't a regular participant at the Men's Prayer Breakfast, you're missing some great food, fellowship and inspired teaching of the Word. Hope to see you there.
~~~
Narcotics Anonymous 5-6 pm every Monday at 220 Pine street.
~~~
TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) 5 pm every Tuesday in the Magnolia Hospital break room.
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Emergency Phone Number 911
(Fire, Police, Ambulance, Sheriff, etc. )
Central Dispatch 234-5655
(Non - Emergency Number)
Direct Numbers
Ambulance - 234-7371 (24 Hour)
Jail - 234-5331 (24 Hour)
Poison Control - 800-222-1222 (24 Hour)
http://www. aapcc. org/
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"Fight till you win!" - - Mark Brazee
"Bring 'em on!" - -President George W. Bush
"There is not enough darkness in the world to put out the light of one candle."
"Laugh whenever you can and cry if you need to." -- "Bug"
"I read the end of the book. We win!" -- "Bug"
"We may not be able to cure the world, but we don't have to make it sicker." -- "Bug"
"There just ain't enough fingers for all the holes in the dike." - - "Bug"
"If you can read this e-mail, thank a teacher. - - If you read it in English, thank a serviceman."
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... and how many want out." - - Tony Blair
"Information is the currency of democracy." - Jefferson
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." - - Margaret Mead
~~~~~
Hope you enjoy the newsletter.
Again, thanks to all our contributors this week.

God bless and GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!
Heb 11:11-12 Psalm 30:5 Heb 11:1-3 John 2:7-11 Luke 22:8-13 John 8:34-36
God is Good and Faithful CU 73 IC JFM CSP NREMT-I KC5HII

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